


Canoeing Eve

by Lemonsnake



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: 66k words, Alternate Universe, Comedy, F/F, Lots of strong swearing, Mystery, No Smut, Not WIP, Slow burn no burn, Swearing, tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 66,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23597041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonsnake/pseuds/Lemonsnake
Summary: Once a household name, TV presenter Eve Polastri goes against her better judgement by taking up producer Carolyn Marten’s offer of a potentially career saving project, but all is not as it seems.  Forced to team up with her nemesis, the obtuse but achingly talented actress Villanelle, she quickly finds herself caught in a web of intrigue that turns her life upside down and leaves her questioning everything.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Niko Polastri, Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	1. That Sinking Feeling

That Sinking Feeling

Chapter 1

Eve wondered how she had ever gotten into this mess as the frigid water started to slosh menacingly over her lap. The waves were merrily jumping into the opening of the boat at the same rate the boat was creeping lower and lower into the water, like it was sliding down its chair in a cinema trying to avoid being seen by an ex. Villanelle sat impassively in the front seat, wide eyed with curiosity at the scene unfolding before both of them. She had the demeanour of a 7-year-old watching a science experiment about how much water it takes to sink a boat.

"Fucking hell, will you do something?" barked Eve at the back of Villanelle's head.

"What do you want me to do?" Villanelle replied with her usual childish intonation.

"Whatever the fuck he told us to do in training!"

Villanelle rolled her eyes and pulled her mouth into a low frown, "I don't know what he said, I didn't listen," she said somewhat matter of factly, in a way that only added more adrenaline to Eve's fight or flight bonfire. If they didn't drown Eve decided that she would kill Villanelle herself, but first she had to do something about not drowning.

"We need to get out of the boat."

"Ahh, but then we will lose the boat and be floating in the sea. We need to stay with the boat."

Damn, Villanelle had a point, but the boat was sinking. "But.the.boat.is.fuck.ing.sink.ing!", Eve said every word slowly, deliberately, and unfortunately slightly hysterically which mean that the Russian idiot in the front of the boat didn't take her seriously.

Villanelle misheard Eve's call to action as a request for emotional containment, so when she replied, "relax, it's going to work out fine. You worry too much," she was perplexed by Eve smacking her across the back of the head with her paddle. She found women to be curious creatures, and none more so than Eve Polastri. This only made her more interesting. The sharp pain from the sudden solid contact of paddle to skull faded instantaneously to be replaced by unspeakable feelings of softness as Villanelle momentarily went baby over Eve. She wrinkled her nose in delight at Eve's unpredictability, again misreading this hideously as a display of affection, and still failing to do appreciate their watery predicament.

Again Villanelle's sensory experience changed in an instant as a huge, icy wave crashed over her head, suddenly infuriating her to action as she puffed out angrily at the impertinence of the sea to ruin her hair so spectacularly.

"Uhh! Stupid water!"

Eve meanwhile was wondering how this clown shoes bitch sitting in front of her in the two-man canoe had managed to even breathe and walk at the same time, never mind learn to speak several languages fluently and become a renowned actress. She also wondered if this clown shoes bitch would float long enough for them to get rescued because this was the only suggestion that her mind was throwing out: Villanelle as the door from Titanic.

Eve didn't have time to process the connection between Villanelle and a door at that exact moment, but her subconscious had revealed her deepest thoughts about the Russian through the medium of buoyancy aids. There was something inert about Villanelle at times, something lifeless, like a piece of furniture or a shop fitting. Faced with the prospect of death Eve's mind connected these notions to the possibility that she also floated like one. Anything was worth a shot right now.

Villanelle twisted around suddenly to face Eve, who was surprised to see Villanelle actually doing something. She didn't hold out much hope that she was going to do anything useful though, her eyes only scanned Villanelle for her door like qualities in a desperate hope that her hypothesis of her floating abilities was correct.

"We need to do something before the boat sinks," said Villanelle emphatically then paused, "why are you looking at me like that?" she intoned with a theatrically confused look on her face.

"What do you fucking suggest Captain Birdseye?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

Villanelle had so many questions, but another outrageous wave crashed over her. "Goddamit! Will you stop doing that!" she shouted at the sea. Eve stared at her in utter disbelief but with a growing sense of certainty in Villanelle's floating properties. Villanelle misread this as Eve's growing confidence in her ability to save them both, with a faint hint of arousal. This spurred her into action.

"Turn the boat into the waves! The water will stop coming in the sides long enough for us to get the water out of the boat."

Eve furrowed her brow, "but how do we keep the boat facing the waves, we need to keep paddling to do that. We can't paddle and bail at the same time!"

"Buh-ale?" Villanelle spat gutturally in her thick Russian accent.

"Bail, it means get the water out!"

"You have a word for that in English? Wow, so specific."

"What are we going to fucking do?" screamed Eve.

Villanelle pulled another one of her stupid childish faces, "I'm going to paddle and you're going to bwale."

Eve stared at her for a few seconds, eyes wide and unblinking, "OK then, OK. Let's do that then" she finally said, her voice solid and rational sounding. Her mind had gone completely to shit though, to the point that she was prepared to take instructions from a door.


	2. Pitch Away

Pitch Away

Chapter 2

"Canoeing Eve," said Carolyn curtly and without any context. Eve wondered for a moment if their conversation had started a few minutes earlier, but she had somehow only become conscious at this point. She realised it was more likely that Carolyn had probably just started the conversation at the part that most other people consider to be the middle. If Carolyn knew any jokes she would probably only tell you the punchline. This thought often crossed Eve's mind, one's a whore and the other one is an hour and a half. Maybe she was already at the punchline?

"Canoeing Eve?" said Eve, while slightly but perceptibly shaking her head a little as if to check that she was actually awake now.

A waiter appeared at her elbow. "Are you ready to order madam?" the young man asked Carolyn. She was a regular here and most of the staff knew what she was going to order, but company policy dictated that they still had to ask.

"A Moscow mule and a bacon brioche, and none of that brown stuff."

"Sauce, madam, no brown sauce of course." said the waiter as he scribbled the same order she always makes onto his pad.

"Is that what it is?" said Carolyn with raised eyebrows, "well I'd never have guessed that. Sauce!" she said with a delighted chuckle.

Eve wondered why everyone she knew was so fucking weird.

The waiter turned to Eve, "and for you madam?"

"Just a black coffee please," and with a tiny nod the waiter wrote on his pad and promptly disappeared.

Eve briefly swivelled her eyes around as she tried to think of a way into this conversation that she seemed to be joining halfway through. "So do you mean canoeing, Eve, or do you mean Canoeing Eve?"

"Yes"

Oh for fuck sake. Eve took a deep breath. "Tell me about the project Carolyn" she said forcing her voice to sound like she was really interested and wanted to hear more, when really she was as confused as fuck and slightly irritated at Carolyn's perpetual weirdness.

"So they have these boat things, little you know, and you can get two people in them" said Carolyn seriously. Her eyes were fixed on Eve. "So you, Eve, get in a canoe with a different celebrity every week, Canoeing Eve." She finished the sentence with the air of a woman who had just said the most sensible and logical thing ever heard by the human ear before. A brilliant idea, classic.

Eve wondered again if she was actually awake. Tv pitches can sound pretty ludicrous when you hear them out loud but this was out there even for Carolyn. But Carolyn got results every time; something in her twisted logic seemed to hit gold time after time, and Eve was getting desperate for a show that would get her back in the public eye again. It had been five years since Eve had been a household name. Good work had pretty much dried up, there was little to go on apart from the constant offers of reality TV.

Eve had never wanted to get into that kind of stuff, she never wanted to be famous just for being famous. When she started out in TV 20 years ago you had to be good at something, an academic, a journalist, a proper career broadcaster. Now all you need is a big pair of boobs and a capacity to overshare. She was a versatile and well trusted front woman to many shows over the years, everything from walking in the Lake District to popular science shows, but the changing landscape of TV had caught her generation off guard. It was all celebrity this and celebrity that now. And she couldn't ice skate for peanuts.

She had passed over the chance to do "Celebrity Amazon Warehouse Xmas Casual" where hapless celebrities spent the two weeks before Christmas receiving no training and sending orders to the wrong addresses. The highlight of the show was when Jodie Comer accidently posted a sex toy gift set to a nunnery. Fortunately, they assumed that they were statue blanks and added them to their Nativity scene as the Three Wise Men. They did wonder why they had no arms though. That show was one of Carolyn's ideas, and it was another big hit.

Eve had come to realise that she didn't understand the market anymore, so she should really stop listening to her own hunches. Carolyn was getting it right every time, she needed to trust her track record and take her ideas more seriously. She shrugged a surrender.

"OK. Fine. What do we do in the boat? Who are the celebrities? What's the story?"

Carolyn's face didn't change a jot. "You paddle the boat. In the sea. You go somewhere."

Eve suddenly wondered if Carolyn was making this up on the spot, but quickly dismissed this idea. Carolyn is just weird; she talks like this all the time. Eve raised her eyebrows with an "and?" expression and looked at Carolyn, imploring her to continue talking.

"You bond, with the celebrity. You overcome adversity and share stories about your life with each other. There's crying. And hugs. People love a human story."

This sounded ironic coming from Carolyn's mouth, she was one of the least ordinarily human people Eve knew. She wished Carolyn was a celebrity instead of a tv producer so she could stick _her_ in a canoe and take her somewhere. She wondered if Carolyn had any life stories or if it was just a series of random and weird events, which would explain her conversation style.

Eve knew it was a flimsy idea but she was vain enough to think that she could make it into something really compelling, that she could get under the skin of these celebrities and prise out sides of their personalities that no one had ever seen before. Get some really juicy confessions and heart-breaking stories of childhood traumas that even a therapist would need six months to get to. Yes, she could wheedle it out of them in a weekend with just a canoe and two-man tent; the two-man measurement being based on 10 year old conjoined twins. And people would just love it, every week wondering what deep secrets Eve would manage to release from the darkest corners of their favourite celebrity's psyche.

Eve nodded her head emphatically, "Yep, yep. I can see it. I mean I don't know shit about canoes, but I can get inside people's heads... Let's do it."

Carolyn responded with a short sharp nod, the kind that suggests that she knew this would be Eve's response all along. "Good."

"Uh, the celebrities, who were you going to try to get? Anyone on board yet, ha! No pun intended."

Carolyn looked blankly at Eve, suggesting that the pun had gone over her head.

"The celebrities?" said Eve, whilst trying to stop her face from contorting into one that said oh my God Carolyn why are you so weird all the time.

"We're in talks with a few but we've got one definite."

"Oh" said Eve in surprise, "you've got one already?"

"Yes, that Eastern European one. Actress. Oh, thank you." The waiter had just turned up with the order and was laboriously placing it on the table.

"Who? Who is it?" Eve asked impatiently.

Carolyn took a swig of her drink, momentarily forgetting Eve was there and then suddenly surprised to see her when Eve fell back into her vision. "Who what? Oh the canoe thing."

"Yes, who is the definite?"

"Villanelle," said Carolyn and Eve didn't remember what happened for the next ten minutes.


	3. Why Always Her?

Why Always Her?

Chapter 3

"VILLANELLE! Can you fucking believe it?" Eve was wide eyed, and wild eyed as she paced around her kitchen, flailing arms causing her husband Niko to occasionally have to lurch out of the way.

"Villan - fucking - elle! That fucking Russian dick swab! That cu... uhh, I can't believe it!"

His moustache scarcely registered any emotion as his wife ranted vigorously and seemingly without taking any breaths. She wasn't always like this, but he had seen it enough to be unconcerned. She didn't need any solutions from him right now, she just needed to be heard.

"What has she got with me? Why can't she just stay out of my life? She's fucking stalking me or something," said Eve throwing her hands up as she too and fro-ed around the breakfast bar. Niko didn't say anything but unfortunately his face said that he thought Eve was being a little extreme. Unfortunately Eve's face noticed this and told the rest of her, so now she was pissed off at Niko too. What's the point of husbands if don't just go with your side of the story, she wondered subconsciously. She didn't realise it at the time but her subconscious had a lot to say about Niko, and Villanelle, but it was keeping schtum, for now. It was quite happy to let her mouth do all the talking today.

Eve suddenly stopped moving like a car that had just hit a lamp post, and turned herself fully to face Niko. His buttocks clenched involuntarily. "Do you not think this is weird? At all?" said Eve straight to his hirsute face. "She's a movie star for Christ's sake," she continued without missing a beat, "she doesn't need to do television any more, I mean if Carolyn said HBO was part funding I might understand, but even still, why the fuck does Villanelle want to get in a fucking floating death trap, with me?" Her eyes widened suddenly as she took a sharp intake of breath, "Death trap! Do you think she wants to kill me or something? Like fucking revenge or something, except she's the ass wipe who fucked me over so I should want to kill her. God! She's so fucking twisted, I bet she's exactly the type of person who would try to get revenge on someone who should be trying to get revenge on her." By the end of this sentence Eve's argument sounded like a logical conclusion to her, all the while Niko and his moustache were trying desperately to not betray their doubts.

Niko braced himself to be as gentle as possible, double checking that he had engaged his gentle, reasonable, calm voice before he allowed any sound to come from his mouth. "You don't think she still remembers? I mean it was nothing to her, you were the one she made uncomfortable, she just made a stupid remark," he said gently, reasonably, and calmly, "you were the one who got laughed at." Eve frowned at Niko with hard eyes, he understood that he needed to say more, "what I mean is that it probably didn't even register with her how humiliating the whole thing was for you. If she is insensitive enough to do that kind of thing in public then I'd doubt she would be sensitive enough to put herself in your shoes and understand how it made you feel." Niko breathed an internal sigh of relief as Eve's face reshaped to show that she was pondering this as a possibility.

"Maybe" said Eve, her arms now folded and her eyes shifting from one corner of her eyes to another as the cogs whirred in her mind. No, not maybe, her brain dug up some damning evidence and dramatically threw it onto the desk in her mind, "see?" it said to her victoriously.

"No, not maybe!" said Eve strongly, "she sent me flowers, and a card, 'I'm sooooo sorrrryyy if I upset you in any way'" she said in a mock Russian accent completing the mimicry with an outlandishly petted lip.

"That was probably her manager's idea, Konstantin told her to do it, she'd never think of it on her own," Niko puffed, pulling his face into Polish shapes that tell other Polish people that he thinks this is the definitive answer.

Eve isn't Polish though, and she thinks it makes him look like he has cheap shitty white bread stuck to the roof of his mouth and he is trying to suck it off. The moustache only exacerbates the effect. Why does he do that fucking thing with his fucking podgy face? God it's so annoying, thought Eve, her own face momentarily contorting to mirror Niko's, as if to try to understand it from the inside. Her incredulity reminded her that she was mid-argument and was definitely right. She swung her attention back to the conversation.

"She knows she done something wrong, she knows she had to apologise...whether she meant it or not is another story," said Eve pointing with a firm arm and a flat hand in emphasis at each step of her statement, finishing with a flourish as she threw both hands upwards at all the amorphous possibilities that the other story might entail. She did wonder what the other story might be, her subconscious had versions it would quite like it to be, but in the face of such infinite unknown-ness she stuck to the stories that fell closest to the tree: Villanelle is an asshole, and other variations on this theme. She thought about Villanelle more than her mind cared to take note of. It did take note though and had decided it was better that she didn't know, leaving her unaware of how much of her mental time was occupied with the younger woman.

It was, though, perfectly reasonable for Eve's mind to be occupied with Villanelle, under the circumstances. Well at least it was for the first few months. But the humiliating incident had happened nearly two years ago now, and it was rarely even showed up even in the Villanelle fandoms online. It was the meme that had really gotten to Eve. A moment of embarrassment in real time you can shrug off, a few days of headlines in the paper you can muscle through, but seeing your face over and over again every day with some new 'hilarious' words typed over it was continuous humiliation, death by a thousand embarrassments. She had even seen a woman wearing a t shirt with the picture on it. "You look cute!" the meme typeface blared over the photo of Villanelle smirking and Eve looking like she had just swallowed a wasp. At that moment Eve had resolved to never forgive that Russian butt monger, in fact perhaps her mind had even decided that revenge was the only solution, but Eve didn't know this. All she knew is that whenever she laid eyes on that little fucker she seethed with the kind of fury that even a scorned woman would be wary of dicing with. Villan - fucking - elle, that absolute fucking fuckwad.


	4. How Dangerous Can It Be?

How Dangerous Can It Be?

Chapter 4

"Eve Polastri," Villanelle sighed, "can you believe it?" she finished, with a smile spreading slowly over her face. 

Konstantin pouted with concern, "Now don't upset her, you know that she might still be angry with you, just because she has said yes to this it doesn't mean she has forgiven you." 

Villanelle wasn't listening, she heard Konstantin's words and that Eve might not have forgiven her, but this meant nothing to her. Why wouldn't Eve forgive her? She sent her flowers. There was a card and everything. Villanelle wasn't angry with herself about the whole incident so she couldn't see why Eve would be. 

Konstantin knew Villanelle wasn't listening, so he continued in the hope that something might slip into her brain eventually, if he threw enough information at it. "Villanelle, I'm being serious, you need to be careful with Eve Polastri," Konstantin said, his soft bearded face pulled into an 'I'm being serious' expression. 

Villanelle pulled the same face and said in a low gruff voice "you are being serious, I can see, you have the serious face on" and then wandered around the room with the serious face on, being serious with everything she encountered. The pile of postcards on the table wasn't being serious enough for her liking so she picked them up and told them "I'm being serious! Take this seriously!" all the while wearing the serious face.

To people like Eve Polastri Villanelle was little more than a fucking toddler trapped in a beautiful woman's body, but Konstantin had a daughter and often failed to see that Villanelle was a woman now, as a parent often fails to notice that their child has grown, their picture of them stuck in the past. In some ways that wasn't good for Villanelle because he allowed her childish excesses, but in other ways it was perfect for her because a firm hand would only lead to revolt. She couldn't be controlled, only temporarily contained. Anyway, his association with Villanelle had done Konstantin's business no harm, despite the endless messes that he had to clean up. Actors and actresses flocked to be represented by his management agency, after all if he could keep a loose cannon like Villanelle at the top of the game then he must be good. So much mess though, he sometimes wondered if he would get too old for it one day.

"Villanelle!" Konstantin said emphatically. 

She put the postcards down, and the serious face, and turned to him. "OK. I hear you. Eve might be pissed off with me. It will be fine," she said with her own actual, proper serious face.

The trouble is that she is an actress though, and Konstantin needed to double check that she isn't just acting. "It will be fine?" he said quizzically.

"Yes," she replied with the kind of straight face that only Russians can pull off. 

Konstantin was Russian so he recognised this as a straight face. Eve Polastri wasn't Russian so she could only interpret that kind of face as indicating that Villanelle was a dick swab. But she wasn't here right now, except in Villanelle's mind, and trouser brain perhaps. 

Villanelle fluttered her eye lashes, "I can be very charming you know," she said as she launched into a faux-girly act.

Konstantin let out a hearty Russian bear of a laugh, he was endlessly amused by her absurdity and how quickly she could change her tone. Villanelle could be charming, well the outcome of her behaviour was that the person in question was charmed by her, how much of her actual behaviour was recognisable as charming was another thing entirely. This was the other reason Konstantin was laughing, Villanelle was utterly charmless and yet had charmed the pants off a string of actors and actresses. She was childish and vacuous, yet these vapid creatures endlessly fell in love with her. How does she do it? He had given up wondering, he stopped trying to analyse Villanelle years ago, he now just accepted her as a phenomenon like the weather. You can try to predict it, but even with the best information you are only ever guessing.

"Well," he laughed, "then you better hope you can charm Eve Polastri, because the last time you saw her she was really pissed off with you."

Villanelle's mind stopped at the part where Konstantin said you better charm Eve Polastri, it skipped the part about her being pissed off, and selectively ignored the word hope. 'You better charm Eve Polastri, yes you better,' Villanelle said inside her own mind. Eve Polastri had to be hers, there was no other option, so she had better charm her. Konstantin had no way of knowing just how obsessed with Eve she was, nothing in her behaviour would suggest to an ordinary person that Villanelle thought she was in love with Eve. Nothing in her behaviour followed conventional expectations of courtship or expressions of affection, but to Villanelle her behaviour made perfect sense.

No one else would have decided at that very moment two years ago that she had to have Eve. They stood in front of the bathroom mirrors; both having gone for a break during a montage section of everyone famous who had died this year. Neither of them had much excitement for the BAFTAs ceremonies, Eve dutifully turned out every year, Villanelle only attending when she was a nominee. 

Eve was jabbing her fingers into her dense curly hair and wondering out loud if she should have worn it up, Villanelle beside her staring transfixed. 

"No," Villanelle breathed, "wear it down." 

Eve had been taken aback by her intensity. Actresses are normally such wispy creatures, but Villanelle had a complexity about her that Eve had never seen before. Eve smiled, or did she? She can't remember what she done, but she feels like she done something. Actually she only blinked but in her own mind she was sure that she responded. No one else would have thought that with that blink Eve had signalled anything, but Villanelle read that as clear proof that Eve welcomed her attention.

As Eve left the bathroom that evening Villanelle wondered how she could find out who this captivating woman was, she didn't watch much tv and certainly not the kind of dry worthy programmes that Eve fronted. And yet only half an hour later the universe conspired to pull them into each other's gravity again. Eve was presenting one of the awards this year, it was cheesy, but Eve was glad for some publicity. Villanelle was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her part as Billie, a dead-beat New Yorker from the wrong side of the bridge battling a drug problem. Somewhere backstage Eve was holding a gold envelope with Villanelle's name in it, and the key to two years of humiliation. 


	5. Shall I Compare Thee to a Kayak?

Shall I Compare Thee to a Kayak?

Chapter 5

The room was dark but for the glow of the laptop screen, it's faint illumination just enough to allow an observer to find the outline of Eve Polastri in amongst the inky blackness. It was almost midnight. Closer observation, if anyone was watching, would find there was a pile of books with their spines out of alignment with each other on the desk, and a notepad opened out flat on a double page. If she, sorry you, could get close enough to read it then the page would look like an undergrad reading list, complete with ticks, crosses, strikethroughs, and arrows pointing out to comments next each item on the list. The overall gist of each title is sea kayak, minor linguistic deviations differentiate each book from the next: The Complete Sea Kayakers Handbook; Sea Kayaking The Classic Manual; Scottish Sea Kayaking; Sea Kayak Handling; The Basic Bitch of Sea Kayaking - it was supposed to say basic book of sea kayaking but Eve didn't realise she was thinking of Villanelle at the exact moment she was writing the title on the page some fourteen hours earlier. She still hasn't noticed. Her mind was very good at hiding things from her.

From the look of the list in her notepad you might think that Eve had had a productive day researching sea kayaking, but Eve didn't feel that way about it. She read through the books, dutifully taking notes, going back over key sections to try to implant the information in her memory but somehow she felt like she never fully gave herself to the work. Something she couldn't bring to the fore was skulking in the shadows of her mind, nipping the heels of her concentration like a radio playing in the background so quietly that you can't actually tell what any of the songs are but still just loud enough that you can hear it. It was this sense of dissatisfaction with her studies that rather than guide Eve to give it up for the day pushed her to try even harder. Niko had tried many hours previously to make her see the foolhardiness of trying to grind it out, but Eve couldn't let herself be beaten, she wouldn't give in to this something, whatever it was.

"I would never have known that so much of the English language had been devoted to sea kayaking," Niko chirped with a head wobble, "have you got to Shakespeare's Sea Kayak Sonnets yet?"

"No, but A Brave New Kayak is next up on my list," chuckled Eve.

"Are you going to stop at any point before midnight?" quizzed Niko gently and jokingly.

Eve made a faux shocked noise and pulled a face, "of course I am!" she smiled. At that point in the day she had fully meant what she said, what kind of weird kayak geek would stay up all night reading this shit, and uh, anyway it's Friday night and you know what that means...well a couple of times a month anyway.

"What about food?" said Niko.

Eve looked confused, "what about food?"

Niko's face creased into a laugh, "what do you want for dinner!" he said with wide eyes.

Eve rolled her eyes at her own stupidity for not understanding such a simple question, but still she was smiling. Her brain wouldn't give up any bandwidth to think about it though, so she waved her hands and said anything, honestly, anything.

"Indian?"

"Yeah! Indian," said Eve affirmatively, her eyes then moving immediately from Niko's and back to the screen: The Italian Murder, Thriller, 2014, English, Robert De Niro, Frances MacDormand, Villanelle, Rotten Tomatoes rating 87%. Villanelle. Villanelle. Villanelle. Villanelle. VILLANELLE.

Niko said something. Did Niko say something? Stop looking at the screen, stop looking at the screen, LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN!

"Huh?" said Eve as she snapped her eyes onto Niko.

"I said did you want anything else?" he said, his head slightly angled as if this would somehow help him to understand what was going on in his wife's mind.

"Lime pickle" she blurted, sounding plausibly like that was what she had meant to say, "extra lime pickle, you know they just never give us enough." Eve felt uncomfortable, guilty even. That split second that her eyes wanted to stay on the screen instead of looking at Niko felt like a betrayal. These transient feelings slipped back into the shadows before she could even register that they were there. Still she would be left with an awareness that something had just left.

The screen of her laptop seemed to glow as bright as a full moon on a crystal-clear night. It dominated her peripheral vision. Moth like, she struggled to keep her central vision on Niko, all the while the gleaming light urging her to look. Her brain was screaming at her to look. She tried her best to ignore it's screams in the same way she had mastered politely overlooking the inconvenience of a toddler in melt down in Waitrose since she moved to England. Really Niko needed to keep talking to her, but he was gone already, his phone coming up to his ear while he was still halfway out of the kitchen.

The only thing between Eve and looking at the screen was willpower, and she had none of that. It would be at least a minute before the powerful wave of denial crashed in, so her impulses had free rein for now, but they would need to work quickly. Instinctively her eyes scanned the room to check for the absence of Niko then fell onto the screen. Dopamine hit her system as she finally gave it what it wanted.

She had only been searching for sea kayaking videos on YouTube, but those suggestion algorithms are like karma sometimes, your past comes back to haunt you at unexpected times. Most of the screen was dominated by Sea Kayaking Videos: Episode 1, but the Up Next list had auto populated with a mix of more sea kayaking videos, TED talks, 80s music, and...

Villanelle. Tv shows from years earlier, her face young and babyish. An advert she made when she was only 16. Clips of Villanelle in interviews. Fan vids of Villanelle in different outfits. Edits of Villanelle pulling childish faces. Villanelle. Villanelle. Villanelle.

She couldn't do it; she snapped the laptop shut and took a few breaths like she had just come up from being underwater. She would be spending a lot of time underwater so this was useful preparation though. She hated when her feelings got the better of her, those fuckers are not going to win. At times she was her own nemesis, not Villanelle. Come on Eve, she muttered silently to herself as she opened the laptop again with deliberation. Do not pass go, do not collect £200, and with this she made her eyes go only to the main video on the screen. She wiggled the cursor and swept it over to the full screen icon. With a swift tap on the touchpad the icon was clicked and the image of a man and woman in sportswear circa 1996 filled out the rest of the screen. Good, thought Eve, no distractions now, just sea kayaking.

And she kept up the pretence that there were no distractions for the rest of the evening, yet still she couldn't let go of her research and just give herself up completely to food, Niko, and the occasional Friday night. Niko dutifully held out for another couple of hours after the takeaway but with his eyes and moustache drooping he finally submitted to his fatigue at 10.30, kissed Eve's distracted forehead, and dragged his sleepy man-carcass up to bed.

Alone and with the lights from other downstairs rooms now turned off, the darkness crept in around Eve. It was the light that had drawn her in before but now it was the darkness that was pushing her elbow. It almost felt like Villanelle was somewhere in the darkness, watching her, urging her; to do what though she didn't know. Her own mind was doing a good enough job on its own. Look, just look. No. Go on. No. Why wouldn't you look? Are you hiding from something? No! Well look then, prove it. It's nothing. You're just making a problem where there isn't one. Look. Go on. Look.

Slide, tap, tap.

Villanelle filled the screen. Eve kept her body tense and her face firm as the clip of Villanelle lit the room, the bright yellow sunlight of Italy flooding warmth out of the laptop. The space where breaths should have been was empty. Eve was completely static, and then as suddenly as a car smashing unannounced through your living room window she snapped the laptop shut. She returned to her static state for a moment, then put a hand out to illuminate the screen of her phone. 11.57. It was still Friday night. If Niko didn't wake up then, well, she'd just have to paddle her own canoe. Fucking sea kayaks, sheesh.


	6. Little Pointy Things

Little Pointy Things

Chapter 6

"Where were you last night? You were supposed to be at the awards for the sick children? It's a good thing Jodie Comer stepped in at the last minute, I had to ask for a BIIIIG favour from an old friend." Konstantin was infuriated but his face could never seem to fully convey the depths of his anger.

"Jodie Comer? You got Jodie Comer? Wow, that's so cool! I wish I had been there" said Villanelle with an enthusiastic smile. She looked like she was thinking about what it would have been like to meet Jodie Comer, but she wasn't really, she was thinking about the Lake Region, or whatever it was called. "She was so cute in that warehouse thing," she said scrunching her face a little.

"Come on Villanelle, at least give me some kind of excuse," implored Konstantin, throwing his hands out to sides in exasperation, "at least try to explain to me just what goes on in your head sometimes."

He almost instantly regretted saying this as Villanelle turned to him with the emptiest expression that it was possible to see on the face of a living human being.

"You really don't want to know what is in my head," she said flatly, with a stern but somehow still emotionless face. Even when she blinked it looked like she wasn't blinking, Konstantin had no idea how she did this, but the effect was like staring into the black, black heart of an enormous sink hole, empty and infinitely ominous.

"Sausage?" she suddenly said as her face reanimated with a smile and a sense of vaguely human characteristics. All the while she had been standing over a small frying pan with two sausages snuggled into it, occasionally shifting them to allow a new section of skin to make contact with the heat. The only sound that filled the air as she had momentarily lost her human form was the sizzle and spit from the pan.

Grateful to be back on familiar ground Konstantin accepted the offer, and Villanelle deftly slid the two sausages onto a plate. She smiled victoriously as she pushed the plate across the kitchen worktop to Konstantin, "these are GOOD sausages," she said with a nod.

Picking up a fork and using its blunt edge to tear through the sausage Konstantin regained his composure. His approach was much softer now, "so where were you? I need to know sometimes, I need to know nothing has happened to you," he said as he popped the lump of sausage into his mouth, "it isn't always just about contracts and money you know," he finished with an apologetic shrug.

"Awwww, you were worried about me," said Villanelle jubilantly, her eyes beaming with delight.

"Well?" Konstantin nudged warily.

Villanelle set her face into the one of a person with nothing to hide, "I was doing research, I went to see a friend for some help, I forgot the time." She said it with such ordinariness that it seemed plausible. "You know how I get carried away with things when they excite me," she added with gleaming eyes.

Konstantin knew she could be lying, but knew that it was also just as likely to be entirely true. He laughed, what else was there to do, and these were good sausages. Sometimes the easiest thing to do with Villanelle was to just go with the flow, take whatever you get at that moment in time. Konstantin decided now was not the time for the riot act, instead he would make use of this temporarily amenable Villanelle.

"You, research? Ha! You hardly even read your scripts. What were you researching?"

"Eve Polastri" said Villanelle, unblinking but still human this time.

A wave of concern came over Konstantin, why would she need to research Eve Polastri? Oh God, it better not be like, ah no, no it won't be like that again. He fixed his face before he spoke, to make sure no concern leeched out. "Why are you researching Eve Polastri?" he said with a light chuckle, "she is the one who is supposed to get you to talk."

Villanelle's eyes sparkled with mischief, "I want to know who I am dealing with. The sea is a dangerous place, I need to know who is in my boat," she said with a sprinkling of menace. Konstantin looked unconvinced. She turned around and picked up a glass of orange juice from the worktop, she shrugged as she said "look, you said I needed to be in Eve's good books, so I was finding out more about her. Did you know she can abseil? Cool huh?"

Eve can't really abseil, like so much of tv work she was given the barest instructions, stuffed into a harness, clipped on, and launched over the side of the sheer cliff face. The difference between a pro and an also ran is how convincingly you can make it look like you know what you are doing, a bit like acting really, except the person you play is supposed to be yourself.

"Really?" quizzed Konstantin, "she doesn't look the type."

"I know, she is full of surprises," beamed Villanelle enthusiastically. "Do you know they have mountains in England?" she continued.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Konstantin, "there are no mountains in England!"

“Yes there are," snapped Villanelle impertinently, "in the Lake Region."

"Ha ha ha ha ha! The Lake DISTRICT" chortled Konstantin, "and they are not real mountains, not like in Russia!"

Villanelle was prepared to concede this point, "yes not like Russian mountains, but you know, little English ones. Everywhere else is so flat you know? They get snow on them, you can die on them," she finished seriously. "I would like to go."

Konstantin wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, but he was still fundamentally laughing, "YOU want to go to the Lake District? What are you going to do there?"

"I want to go up Hhhhhhh-elvellyn, along the ridge, it looks dangerous," said Villanelle with a raspy Russian drawl while thinking about how fantastically dangerous it could be. People fall off it all the time, disorientated in the fog and snow, their squishy bodies slapping onto the hard rocks below. How exciting.

Konstantin didn't realise that little English mountains could be dangerous; like dachshunds, how could something so little be dangerous? He wasn't convinced that they actually were dangerous, or mountains, so saw no harm in letting Villanelle have her way. "OK I can make arrangements, you can go up your little English mountain," he laughed. "Why so interested in the Lake District all of a sudden?" he asked after a brief pause.

Villanelle was looking the other way when she replied so Konstantin didn't see her face, obsession taking over her eyes, determination setting her vocal chords, "Walking Eve, one woman in the Lake DISTRICT" she replied, then dropping to the bottom register of her voice "with Eve Polastri".


	7. Are You Sure This Is A Good Idea?

Are You Sure This is a Good Idea?

Chapter 7

The car pulled up outside, and Elena hopped out. As she got to Eve's front door and raised her hand to knock, the door opened with Eve expectantly behind it. It was a couple of years since Eve had been forced to let Elena go. There just wasn't enough work to keep a PA on a decent wage, but this Canoeing Eve job would more than cover it. The fee was surprisingly high for such an otherwise low budget production, but Eve wasn't really interested in money. As long as it was enough it would do, and it was enough to get her a PA for at least a year. Elena was her first, and only choice.

"Punctual as always," smiled Elena.

"As always," beamed Eve as the two women folded round each other in a warm embrace. Elena was more like a friend to Eve than a PA, having to let her go had been a real wrench for both of them. They gave each other a squeeze before they parted from each other’s arms, both grateful to be back in each other’s lives. Eve was particularly grateful to have her back today, an actual human being to come with her to a weirdos anonymous meeting. It was a shitty idea, but Eve conceded that it might be useful for their working relationship to have a little "clear the air" meeting with Villanelle before they started shooting Canoeing Eve.

"Carolyn keeps getting the hits, I need to trust her judgement more," Eve said to Elena with a resigned shrug as the car pulled away. "I think this meeting is going to be worse than slapping perfume on your clam after a bikini wax but hey, I haven't got it right for a long time."

"Ouch" said Elena, wincing.

Eve started laughing a little at the absurdity of the situation, "this is going to be weird, with a capital fucking."

Arriving last Eve and Elena didn't know what order the others had turned up in, she assumed that Konstantin brought Villanelle, and that Carolyn was there first, waiting like a sinister shop window dummy as she always seemed to be. In fact Villanelle had arrived first, on foot, taking the opportunity to scan the Moroccan themed restaurant's layout before anyone else arrived. She didn't sit down though, she slipped unnoticed into the throng of people at the bar area drinking coffees and watched for the rest of the attendees to turn up. She liked to watch.

She heard voices, laughter, familiar laughter. It was Konstantin, but who was making him laugh? She peered around the shoulder of a middle-aged man in a business shirt and tie to see.

"Wow," she thought, "Carolyn Martens is making you laugh? I didn't even know that she could make herself laugh," and just at that point Carolyn did laugh. "I have seen it all now," thought Villanelle to herself, her eyes wide in astonishment at what she had just witnessed. For a split second she hesitated, should she stay in the shadows and watch this interaction, or should she act like she had just turned up before they get too cosy with each other. She wanted to be in position before Eve arrived so chose the latter option, slipping out from behind the other customers while Konstantin and Carolyn were looking the other way and starting a purposeful stride once she was in the middle of the walkway to make it look as if she had just come in the door.

"Villanelle, there you are, and on time too," said Konstantin.

"I would not be late for this," Villanelle purred. She turned to Carolyn.

"Villanelle" said Carolyn with a stern nod.

"Carolyn" she replied, mimicking her stern nod exactly. For a moment they locked emotionless eyes with each other then turned to Konstantin.

"Shall we sit?" he motioned towards the table.

"Mmm" Carolyn nodded and moved to sit down.

Villanelle mimicked her nod again but this time behind her back, squashing her face into a silent "Mmm", then went to sit down.

It was just as they had started to settle into their seats that Eve, closely followed by Elena entered the restaurant. Villanelle was already looking at Eve by time Carolyn noticed that she had arrived.

"Eve" said Carolyn as the newly arrived pair approached the table. Konstantin stood up courteously to greet them, Villanelle looked at Konstantin standing and wondered if standing up or sitting down would have the most impact on Eve. He looked at her with an upwards motion of his head.

OK I'll stand up, she replied with only a facial expression. She slowly and deliberately unwound her long limbs as she stood up to finally come to her full height. She had a good four inches over Eve at least, her demeanour made it seem more like six as the two of them got to the peripheries of each other’s personal spaces.

Carolyn took the lead, "Eve, this is Konstantin, director of Twelve Management, he represents Villanelle."

He smiled warmly and put his hand out to Eve, who accepted and with a turn of her head said, "this is my PA Elena."

Konstantin turned his attention and hand now to Elena in greeting. Meanwhile Eve's face had settled into a nauseated scowl knowing that the next introduction would be Villanelle, who already had her eyes fixed on Eve's face. Her pulse was quickened by Eve's scarcely concealed wrath.

"And this is Villanelle, of course" said Carolyn gesturing towards the Russian.

Perfectly in sync Eve and Elena said, "we've met," dryly.

Eve couldn't tell if Villanelle was smiling or staring at that point. She was reminded of her face that evening when they had first met in the bathroom, so intense and yet so empty. The second that it took for Villanelle to actually respond to her introduction seemed to last about a minute. Finally, her eyes sparkled, and a hesitant smile-come-pout came to her lips, "Eve," she breathed, "so nice to see you again," with her eyes unwavering from Eve's.

Eve was so fixed on her eyes that she failed to notice Villanelle's outstretched hand for a moment. She looked at it with deliberation and with a long enough pause that all could see she was in two minds about whether to shake it or not. She looked at the hand, then back at Villanelle's face, and squaring her jaw she put her hand out to grasp Villanelle's. Narrowing her eyes and squeezing down on her hand, Eve gave Villanelle's hand one sharp shake then released it. Villanelle, staring unnervingly at Eve, was enraptured and letting out a small aspirated laugh.

Carolyn had no idea what was going on, just that this handshake seemed to be taking an inordinately long time and she really wanted a salted caramel frappe. She didn't know what was in one, in fact she had for a long time pronounced it frape until the new boy corrected her, but there are so few salty drinks in the British repertoire that she couldn't help but be taken by it. Bovril was something she was yet to encounter, but Eve had a lot of Bovril up ahead of her. Beefy tasting hot drinks were to become one of her only sources of comfort on those cold wet nights that would be a feature of the next few months of her life.

As it happens the only one of the group who knew anything about Bovril was Elena, and by coincidence she was also the only one of the group who felt like this, all of this, was going to go wrong, horribly, hideously wrong. Not just the meeting but all of it would end up going up in flames and sinking like a stone all at the same time like some cursed mutant Hindenburg/Titanic hybrid. She didn't know why she felt this, but the answer was Eve. She knew Eve, she knew when Eve's ego overpowered her thinking mind and took control of the wheel. She saw Eve's ego clip its safety belt in and slide the seat forward a couple of notches to get the pedals just right and give the rear-view mirror a little wiggle. This only ever ended in trouble. As the group sat down Elena shifted vainly in her seat in hope of getting comfortable in her sense of dread.


	8. Water Under The Bridge on the Left

Water Under The Bridge on the Left

Chapter 8

Despite the table being shaped in such a way that no one was really sitting directly opposite each other, Eve and Villanelle had managed to find themselves sitting directly opposite each other, or it felt that way to them at least. Eyes were the key feature of this feeling of being directly facing each other; Eves eye's steely and unwavering from Villanelle, like a cat watching a dog that is barking at it. Villanelle's eyes like limpid pools, unmoving from Eve like the gaze of Michelangelo’s David. Yet the rest of her face didn't match with her eyes. Fortunately Eve wasn't much of a bird watcher, because if she was she might have thought that Villanelle had the insolent look of a sparrow hawk about her, all gleaming eyes and attitude. What exactly are you going to do about me eating this blackbird? Nothing? Good.

The hairs on the back of Konstantin's neck stood on end. The air was thick with threat, but what the threat was he didn't know. He shuddered a little to try to loosen the grip of dread, but something was setting off his alarms. Something about Villanelle's face. Had he seen this before? Was this how she looked at...? Thinking he was being oversensitive he decided he needed to come back to his senses, so the arrival of the waiter with a round of drinks was a welcome interruption. Feeling the solidity of the glass in his hand he took a sip, swallowing slowly and deliberately, an act of mindfulness to pull his attention away from his internal disquiet.

Carolyn had selected oblivious her setting for the day, and was wantonly disregarding anything and everything problematic that was happening right now. As it happens this was exactly the right thing to do to get things to go to plan, if this meeting was a haunted house then everyone else was screaming and running away already. Carolyn though was unspooked by the weird atmosphere. She took a sip of her drink and began to speak, her voice breaching the wall of Eve and Villanelle's minds which had been occupied entirely with each other.

"So ladies, I just wanted to start by saying how excited I am to have the two of you on the same team, this has been a dream of mine for a few years." Nothing in Carolyn's matter of fact tone indicated that she was excited, or that she had any kind of dreams whatsoever, but this jarring disparity between words and affect was Carolyn's trademark. Giddy and effusive she was not, and yet as she listened to Carolyn, Villanelle thought to herself how strange it was to see her laughing with Konstantin earlier. The fraction of a second that she looked at Carolyn was enough, her eyes darted back to Eve who wasn't even trying to hide the doubtful sneer that was creeping over her face.

"Huh!" spat Eve, much louder than she had expected, causing her to jump slightly in surprise at the sound of her own voice. Carolyn's expressionless face just added to Eve's feeling of embarrassment, which made her wriggle ever so slightly in her seat.

Villanelle though thought this wriggle was Eve trying to give off a bashful air, so flirtatious she thought.

Eve gave Carolyn a slightly apologetic grimace which was sufficient for her to continue with her monologue.

"To have two of the best from the fields of television and film together on the same project is exactly the kind of top marque programming that I have been dedicated to over recent years."

Eve wanted to say huh! even louder than last time but knew that she had spent her allocation of allowable spontaneous noises that suggest incredulity already, to make another unfiltered utterance would just be rude now so she pursed her lips determined that no sound would escape.

"So cute," thought Villanelle, "she can hardly contain herself at being so close to me."

Carolyn was still talking though, something about the past. Under a bridge. Before the bridge. Turn left at the bridge? What? Villanelle realised the conversation had gotten away from her and that she really needed to pay attention to what Carolyn was saying, because, because, what was it? Maybe it was important or something, and, oh! Oh yes! She remembered now, she had _better_ charm Eve Polastri. She smiled as she remembered her task, her face incongruously lighting up at what appeared to be Carolyn's bullshit speech.

But Carolyn wasn't finished yet, the implausible string of platitudes that Eve had to silence herself over was just a warmup for the most contentious part of the meeting. Villanelle had missed her saying how heartening it was that they would show the world that they could let the past stay in the past and that the unfortunate incident of two years previously was now water under the bridge, and what great publicity it was for both of them to show what good sports they could be about the whole thing. Everyone loves a reconciliation.

Eve was so overwhelmed by the implausibility of it all that she was in no danger of producing any kind of noise, neither deliberately nor accidentally. She sat with her mouth open like a Magikarp, utterly astounded that Carolyn had the brass neck to even attempt to pass this off as the truth. But Carolyn wasn't lying per se, this was England, and when in England do as the English do, which means say something that isn't true but everyone is too polite to challenge it, so it becomes fact. Eve still wanted to get a little rebellious dig in though. "Yes," she said when the incredulity gave out to a combative urge, "it would be good publicity to send that _picture_ to the world."

Villanelle pouted theatrically and was just about to say something glib about Eve still having not forgiven her, but Konstantin saw the danger and stuck a sharp elbow in Villanelle's upper arm. "Oof!" she mouthed silently at him.

"Don't!" he mouthed back silently to her.

"OK!" she replied, again silently, but this time with the face of a defeated but still impudent teenager. She rearranged her face with deliberation before she turned to Eve, now wearing a soft expression with soft soft soft puppyish eyes.

"Eve," she began breathily, "I have been so sorry for making you feel bad, really I have nothing but respect for your work. I have become a great admirer of your tv programmes, you really know how to bring a subject to life. I mean I'm just an actress, I get given my lines, but what you do is so... _real._ I can't even imagine how you do it." Her face was beaming with warmth, her eyes almost glistening with a tear.

Eve took a moment to survey Villanelle's face and to process her words. She nodded a few times before she spoke, then breaking into a smile said "Bullshit!"

Villanelle didn't budge an inch, her warm face suddenly giving way to hoots of laugher. "Ha ha ha ha ha! I knew you would see through me, someone as real as you, you know a load of crap when you see it," she said in absolute delight. Eve Polastri saw right through me!

It was now Eve's turn to misread the situation; she took Villanelle's admission of BSing her as a victory, like she had admitted that she was full of shit and would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky Eve Polastris. For some reason Eve thought that Villanelle would be more honest with her from now on, why would she lie if Eve could see through her after all? With a win under her belt Eve shifted her stance from out and out hatred to inquisitiveness; who was this strange creature in front of her anyway? Her eyes began scanning Villanelle's face as the first stage of her investigation. Villanelle offered her face for Eve's scrutiny, fixing her eyes on her and leaving her mouth in an enigmatic smile.

With the two stars now entirely focussed on each other again the atmosphere turned from weird to umm, sorry are we interrupting something? But the last thing the three gooseberries at this table had in mind was apologising and making themselves scarce.

Good, thought Carolyn, feeling that that the two had made a breakthrough and everything was going to go fine.

Shit, thought Konstantin and Elena, believing precisely nothing of the sort. Shit, shit, shit.


	9. You Ok Hun?

You Ok Hun?

Chapter 9

Niko's moustache brought Eve back to the ground with a thud. It was just so fucking moustachey, it was like that person you didn't want to invite to the party but ending up inviting anyway and once they turned up you remembered that they ruined everything just by being there. Niko's moustache ruined Eve's party merely by being on his face, and his face was now in front of Eve. Her mind had been whirring since she left the reconciliation meeting. Thoughts rampaged through her mind like a forest fire, energy flowed through her body like bolts of electricity. She was buzzing, bouncing almost, until the moustache put a slow puncture in her paddling pool.

She sighed at the sight of Niko's face, she sighed because she was going to have to come back to the boring real world to talk to him. The endorphin high was just too delicious to give up at first request though, she made a beeline for the fridge and pulled out a bottle of white. She turned around with the wine in her hand and made the universal gesture of do you want a glass? to Niko by holding the bottle up and wiggling it a little.

Niko scrunched his face and shook his head, "no not right now." He waited for Eve to say something but it seemed that nothing was forthcoming, she was now rifling through the top drawer to get a corkscrew. He better ask then.

"So?" he inquired.

Eve was still too focussed on the wine bottle and perhaps not even listening.

He tilted his head a little, "how was it then?"

Eve stopped what she was doing for a fraction of a second, suddenly engaging with the fact that she needed to speak. She suddenly realised that she needed to lie, and couldn't figure out why she felt like that. The cognitive dissonance brought her whole system to a jolting halt for another millisecond, but then her slimy lying brain department picked up the call and responded.

"She's a cunt," said Eve matter-of-factly, coolly, apparently unemotionally.

"I think that was already well established," said Niko scrunching his eyebrows quizzically, expecting to hear something a little more groundbreaking.

Eve shrugged a little, both as if to apologise for the truth being so boring and also shrugging to herself because she needed to come up with some more story.

"She gave me this dewy-eyed apology about," she continued in a bad Russian accent, "how very sorry she was about the whole thing and how much she admired my work." Can you believe this bitch? Eve implied with her eyes wide and her hands tossed up in the air.

"Sounds like an easy thing for an actress to say" said Niko, his face showing that he indeed did not believe this bitch.

"I KNOW!" said Eve emphatically, now almost laughing, "I totally called the bitch out, BULLSHIT! I said, right to her face!" The memory of her moment of triumph sent more endorphins rushing through her veins, this was the boost she had wanted the wine to give her.

Niko's moustache waved approvingly as he nodded, nice work he thought to himself. "What did she say to that?"

Eve started laughing, "she starts laughing and she's like you totally busted me, I knew I couldn't bullshit someone as real as you." Eve's face was a picture of victory, she nodded as she continued, "yeah I got the handle on that little bitch, there's no way she's gonna be able to lie to me now. I'm gonna own her by the end of this."

Niko's eyebrow shot up involuntarily, own her? What does that mean? Eve is going to own Villanelle? How does one come to own a Villanelle, why would you want to, and most bewilderingly to Niko, just what do you do with a Villanelle once you have one in your possession?

He didn't have time to really engage with these concerning thoughts because Eve continued to speak, "yeah damn right it's canoeing Eve, I'm gonna canoe her ass into next week, I'll be going round her in circles, she'll be easy pickings."

What the actual fuck does that mean wondered Niko, this second outburst being so utterly surreal that he had forgotten his concerns about Eve's pending Villanelle ownership. He wondered if Carolyn had been dishing out the coke again. Based on the outrageous triumphalism of Eve's gloating rant it would seem that was the most plausible explanation, to him anyway. Eve coming home coked off her tits thinking she was the new fucking messiah after a meeting with Carolyn wasn't a frequent occurrence, but it did happen. Usually when Carolyn had something particularly dire to pitch to Eve, she returned from the meeting about "Would You Adam and Eve It?", a historical analysis of cockney rhyming slang presented alongside Adam Hart Davis, so spiced that she thought she had invented the phone book. And the phone. And books.

"Umm, are you okay?" he asked gingerly.

Now Eve felt called out, did he think she was lying? No actually he thought she was tripping balls, but she was so consumed by thinking that she needed to lie about the meeting that she failed to notice that she had so far entirely told the truth. "What?" she asked, stalling for ideas.

"You seem a bit," Niko paused for a moment in the way that you do just before you pick something up that might be live, "exuberant." He swayed back slightly, in the way that you do if you think something is just about to explode in your face.

"Ha! Exuberant! Yes I feel exuberant, I've got that little Russian bitch by the crotch hairs, she humiliated me and now I'm going to lay her bare for all the world to see. She can't lie to me; I'll have her spilling her guts on the camera and then everyone will know what a weaselly little cunt she really is! Ha!"

Definitely coke thought Niko, which was reassuring actually, because it will wear off.

Eve took the relaxed look on Niko's face as a sign that she had convinced him. She still hadn't appreciated that she hadn't lied yet. She had in fact pretty much put it all out on the table: she wanted to own Villanelle, she wanted to lay her bare, she wanted her to spill her guts. The only bit she had failed to mention was just how horny the whole thing made her, Villanelle bare and spilling, and hers, all hers. But maybe she wasn't ready to admit to that much to herself.

Is it Friday night? Eve suddenly wondered. An idea was stirring in her panty brain. She cocked an eyebrow at Niko. After so many years together it only took a look to initiate some physical action. "Wanna get horizontal?" she said.

"Yeah," said Niko, "yeah."


	10. Oh, That's What Happened

Oh, That’s What Happened

Chapter 10

You look cute, you look cute. The sound drifted in and out like a boat dipping up and down in the water. You look cute.

You asshole.

Suddenly the world rushed in, Eve bolted upright, the experience of being awake catching her by surprise. Niko was still asleep, apparently worn out by his ten minutes of exertion. "That bitch, that bitch," she muttered to herself internally, "when will I get some peace?" No time soon, unfortunately.

Niko didn't know the dreams were still happening. She had stopped talking about them after the first few months, when he started to suggest that maybe therapy would help. She didn't want to be the victim though, going to therapy felt like admitting that Villanelle had won, and she didn't want to give her that satisfaction.

She still didn't really understand what had happened that night at the BAFTAs. She knew what had happened, but the feel of it, the experience of it wasn't just humiliating but it was weird too. Villanelle was weird, she gave off a horror movie vibe when she first spoke to Eve in the bathroom, looking too long, staring too intently. That was part of what made it so hard for Eve to process, she couldn't put all the pieces together: Villanelle being really weird to her in the bathroom then half an hour later on stage acting like an asshole and humiliating her.

Had she upset Villanelle, somehow, by not saying anything in the bathroom? She often wondered this, what was the motivation? What would make someone humiliate her like that when their only previous contact had been in the bathroom 30 minutes earlier, and they hadn't even had a conversation. Konstantin said that Villanelle was a bit too playful sometimes, she doesn't always realise how her behaviour will affect someone, that she was impetuous and didn't think things through. His phone call was the only thing that made any sense out of all of it. Without his explanation Eve would be even more confused. But it still confused her, playful? Why would she be playful with someone she just met in a bathroom? Did she think we were friends? Did I do something that made her think we were friends? Eve had only blinked, but she didn't know that, in her memory of that moment she thought she had smiled, or nodded, or something.

Eve blinked at Villanelle, who continued to stare intensely at her then suddenly turned and left the bathroom. Eve looked at the spot that Villanelle had just vacated in mild confusion, what was that about? She turned back to the mirror and gave her hair one last foomph, smoothed her dress down with her hands, then made her way out of the bathroom and into the guts of the theatre where she was to collect the golden envelope with the name of the winning actress in it.

Villanelle had left abruptly but hadn't gone far though, old theatres have so many pillars to lurk behind and she was in the shadows with a perfect view of the bathroom door. Her eyes sparkled in the gloom as Eve came out of the door; a smile spread involuntarily over her lips. She was spellbound. She had only come to this boring ceremony because Konstantin said she was going to win. No one was ever supposed to know if they had won or not but somehow Konstantin always knew. She had only come to pick up the award and get the publicity, it wasn't even an ego thing for her that she was the best actress. Of course she was the best actress, the award was just stating the obvious as far as she was concerned. She already had awards, a whole wall of them, but she wasn't interested in them. They didn't make her feel anything. But right now she was feeling something, looking at the vision that was Eve Polastri. A heady cocktail of hormones and possessiveness was welling up in her veins, spreading relentlessly around her body until it occupied every part of her being. She has to be mine. It didn't matter who she was, Villanelle would find out, she would find out everything about her and then she would have her.

She was already planning her first play, to find out her name, when fortune smiled on her. Konstantin prompted her that the best actress award was just about to be presented and to put on her show face, the cameras would be looking at her for the next five minutes. She was just trying to decide which face to show, keen to win or humble ingenue, when her eyes widened. What light from yonder window breaks?

"Ladies and gentlemen, to present the award for best actress please welcome to the stage Eve Polastri," the compere said over the PA system.

And there she was. It was her. Eve Polastri, her name is Eve Polastri, and she is the sun. She speaks, from behind the podium.

"The nominees are," but Villanelle could hardly hear the other names, she only wanted to hear her own. Say my name Eve Polastri, she thought breathlessly to herself.

"...Villanelle for Bad Girl Gone Badder..."

She was supposed to be putting on her show face for this very moment, the camera would cut to her after her show clip ended, but for once it was her real face that was on display. All gleaming eyes and playful smile. The viewers thought she looked so happy to just be there, humble ingenue it is then, when all the while she was imagining what Eve Polastri's voice would sound like saying her name in the hotel room later that night. Oh she _was_ so happy to be there right now. She steeled herself for action, she knew she was the winner but she needed to be the right mix of ready and completely taken by surprise. She set her face into a vision of anticipation as Eve prised the envelope open.

"And the winner is...Villanelle for Bad Girl Gone Badder," exclaimed Eve, setting her own face into an oh wow you won, good for you sort of arrangement. She hadn't seen Bad Girl Gone Badder, the grammar was too intolerable for her to even consider watching it. Villanelle was one of those names she kept hearing but didn't actually know who she was. Except she did know who she was, she now realised, as she saw Villanelle was walking towards the stage with her eyes fixed almost unblinkingly on Eve.

Eve didn't move her face but was now having a major what the fuck moment. That strange young woman from the bathroom was heading straight for her and was still being really strange. Maybe she started dissociating from the point that their eyes met, or maybe it was just as Villanelle got to with 3 feet of her, either way most of the rest of the experience felt like watching a movie underwater. She was there but she also wasn't, it was happening to her and she was watching it happen to her at the same time.

Villanelle got closer and closer until she was inside Eve's personal space. Working on automatic Eve plunked the award statue into her empty hands and kissed one cheek, then offered her own for reciprocation. The rich dark scent of Villanelle's perfume created a warm fugue that seemed to overpower the one brain cell that was desperately trying to run all of Eve's vital systems at once while she was dissociating the rest of herself to as far away from here as possible. With a pause that felt like an hour Villanelle's lips finally made contact with the skin on her cheek, warm and spreading like a pool of blood, or a puddle of piss.

With the statue firmly in Villanelle's hands, Eve spun to walk away and suddenly felt a sharp pain in her right buttock, like she had just sat on a crab, like... like Villanelle had just pinched her butt cheek? What? She what? There were no brain cells on duty now, so all Eve had was basic primal responses to call on. She spun back around with her eyes full of confusion and fury, confury perhaps, or furfusion even. Either way she looked really pissed and fixed eyes with Villanelle. Her eyes were rivetted on Villanelle's and burning like they had just been pulled out of a furnace.

This was all too thrilling for Villanelle; she was almost giddy with adrenaline.

"What?" laughed Villanelle, and with a brief pause exclaimed gleefully "you look cute!"

"You asshole!" barked Eve, and suddenly became aware of hearing her own voice saying, "you asshole!" except not from inside her head but from the PA system. The microphone, it was right in front of them, and had duly taken their words and transported them from the little spot on the stage where this curious scene was unfolding and sent them to not only every corner of the theatre but also to every corner of the world where anyone could subsequently watch this curious scene over and over again on the internet. The next thing Eve remembered hearing was laughter, a great wave of laughter crashing onto the stage, interspersed with wolf whistles and clapping, coming from the audience. Perhaps she did actually die of embarrassment at that very point because Eve couldn't remember what happened for the rest of the evening. Unfortunately she didn't die, but instead lived on to face the hell of that moment over and over again. And again. Villan - fucking - elle, that utter utter cuntwodge.


	11. So Nice To Meet You

So Nice to Meet You

Chapter 11

Eve's body was that uncomfortable mix of leaden and tingly that only comes with not enough sleep, or perhaps drinking a lot of coffee when you have the flu. Coffee tends to be low on your priorities when you have the flu; what you mostly want when you have flu is to die. This is a happy coincidence because Eve mostly wanted to die for the entire day, but she didn't have flu, she got a flu jab every year.

No instead she had the first day of training at an inland white-water centre somewhere near Northampton. No one can hear you scream in Northampton, this is why Carolyn picked it, this and the hope that the paparazzi that often follow Villanelle might not be able to find her, for a little while anyway.

Despite staying at the Holiday Inn one across the road, Eve still managed to be the last one to arrive, even though she was half an hour early. Elena was in tow. She didn't need to be there but Eve felt like she needed an ally, and Elena felt like Eve needed an eye kept on her. As they went through the doors of the nondescript functional building a voice greeted them.

"Eve! Elena, yes?" it was Konstantin.

"What's he doing here?" Eve tried to say quietly to Elena while fixing her mouth stiffly like a ventriloquist.

"What?" said Elena, who mostly heard "Guck gee gugg gee?" She never got to find out because Konstantin was directly in front of them before either question could be answered.

Eve's what the fuck meter was twitching furiously. She didn't trust Villanelle one jot and seeing Konstantin just reminded her to stay on her toes. "Konstantin," she smiled politely, "how unexpected, will there be room in the boat for all of us?"

"Ah ha ha! Yes, I won't be going in the boat, I get very seasick I think you say. Villanelle is not so good at staying still for a long time, it will save me a lot of hassle if I just make sure she is here myself, " and with that he cast his eyes around to instinctively make sure that she was in fact still here.

Eve tracked the direction of his eyes which, after a few nervous darts, eventually revealed where Villanelle was. A long table had been laid out in the foyer with bacon rolls, cups, tea and coffee urns, and what looked like pastries from this distance. Villanelle appeared to be poking a blueberry muffin. Eve took a mental note to not eat the muffins while also wondering how it was possible to look as chic as shit wearing a tracksuit.

It's probably Gucci thought Elena.

Part of what made it so hard to find Villanelle was the gaggle of other people who were hovering around the bacon rolls. Eve didn't recognise any of them but some of them recognised her. One tallish woman with long dark hair looked at her with a sense of purpose and began walking towards Eve and Elena. She smiled and put a hand out, "I'm Jess, I'm the director, good to meet you Eve."

"Ah, yes, how nice to meet you at last, this is my PA Elena," said Eve gesturing while shaking Jess's hand.

Elena smiled and took the now offered to her hand, "hi," she said meekly.

"Let me introduce you to the rest of the team, we're travelling light so just the two boys with us," she turned around and tapped on the shoulders of the young men behind her who spun around with bacon rolls jammed unceremoniously in their mouths. Jess rolled her eyes at the state of them; they accepted their silent chiding like naughty schoolboys. "This is Kenny, he's on camera for us, and this is Hugo he's doing sound," each one responded with a bacon muffled "mmhmf" as a greeting.

"Uh, hi, " said Eve, "and this is my PA Elena." She also made a kind of mmhmf noise, but it was from trying to be unobtrusive, not from bacon. Eve turned back to the two young men, "hey Kenny did we do something together before? You look kinda familiar."

Kenny stiffened up, he wasn't on the spot but he always seemed to act like he was, "um, yes. Um, I was the intern on Would You Adam and Eve It. I wouldn't expect you to remember me."

Eve beamed for a moment, "oh god yes! Of course! Oh but you were only a teenager then, well no wonder I didn't recognise you. Jeez, how time flies. Oh and Carolyn was breaking your balls the whole shoot, remember I had to tell her to lay off you?"

Kenny gave a tight-lipped quarter smile, "yes Mu - er, Martens, Carolyn was quite demanding."

Engaged as she was in reminiscing Eve had other things more pressing on her mind, still she gave the appearance of being fully there. That bitch can see we're here and she hasn't even come up to say hello yet, thought Eve who was trying to keep her eyes focussed on her new crew. Really she was looking over their shoulders at Villanelle, who surprised her by eating a Danish pastry whole, folded in half but still whole, swallowing it like some kind of pastry snake. She eats like a trucker, thought Eve, a French one maybe, while involuntarily making a "ha!" sound.

"Sorry?" asked Jess.

"Um, sorry, I have a bit of a cold," and with that Eve made a few fake coughs.

Villanelle apparently had ears like an owl because her face creased up with stifled laugher when she heard Eve's fake cough. She turned her back to Eve and her shoulders bobbed up and down, suggesting that she was chuckling. Eve could see she was laughing but had been too occupied with Jess to notice what caused her such amusement, she just knew she was a bitch. Eve wasn't aware that she was staring at Villanelle like she hoped she might catch fire if she stared hard enough, but Jess could see this. In fact everyone could but Jess was the only one who had any responsibility to deal with it, so she did.

"So," Jess began carefully, "the reconciliation meeting, was it okay? For you?"

Eve's eyes snapped back to Jess, she felt busted. "Um, yes, we uh, came to an understanding."

Jess furrowed her brow a little, "and what did you come to understand?"

"Oh that she's a lying bitch," said Eve straightforwardly while micro-gesturing towards Villanelle.

Elena looked at the floor and exhaled.

Jess maintained her HR face. "I see, " she said sportingly, "and was this an improvement?"

"It was actually," said Eve, almost like she was talking to a therapist, "because before that I didn't know what the hell she was."

Kenny and Hugo stood frozen to the spot, trying desperately to not have any kind of facial expression at all, lest they become entangled in the strange conversation between Eve and Jess. They both knew the back story between Eve and Villanelle, and came to the project tentatively.

Eve suddenly came back to the land of the living and social expectations, and realised what the point of this line of questioning was. "We can work together, that's the understanding we have," she said to Jess in reassuring tones.

Jess wasn't the least bit reassured by this but Carolyn's brief to her was simple, just film whatever happens, it will be what it is. "Good," said Jess, "I'm glad you got that sorted out then."

"Yes." Villanelle's sudden drawl caused Eve to jump slightly.

How did she get over here without being seen? Eve wondered.

"We have decided to be friends," said Villanelle with a pouting smile, "more than friends even, colleagues," she said with a nod and turned her face fully to Eve.

Let down by her face that she was trying to make a picture of utter distain, Eve couldn't stop a smile from tugging at the corners of her mouth when her eyes met with Villanelle's. The flicker was enough to send the signal, which for once Villanelle read correctly and reciprocated with gleaming eyes.

"I must apologise for not saying hello to you sooner Eve," crooned Villanelle, breathily, "but you English think it rude to speak with your mouth full so I didn't want to be," she paused dramatically, "impolite."

Kenny and Hugo looked at the floor shiftily. Villanelle gave them a dead eyed stare, then turned her gaze and her warmth back onto Eve.

Eve scoffed at the bullshittiness of what she had just said, Villanelle was always impolite and usually took great delight in it. She didn't know what impolite was in Russian, but she wondered if it could be Villanelle's middle name. "Well thank you for protecting my delicate sensibilities," said Eve pithily.

Villanelle wasn't sure what delicate sensibilities were, but she hoped they were something kinda horny, and she would happily protect them for Eve. She knew Eve was still pissed off with her, but she liked a woman with a bit of fight in her. The ones that just fall at her feet, well they're just so boring; I love you, you're beautiful, blah blah blah. The chase, that was the best bit, and the longer the better. And the fights, well eventually you get to make up so it’s all worth it, no matter how bloody it gets.

"Ok everyone" a voice called from the back of the room, "time to take your places we'll start in 5 minutes." Everyone turned and headed towards the classroom where the voice had come from, except Eve and Villanelle who stayed momentarily fixed in each other's gaze.

"Come on then," Jess intervened, looking back over her shoulder as she was walking away.

Villanelle's eyes glowed with mischief, "come on then," she parroted back to Eve, smirking all the while.

Eve returned the smirk, "let's go then."

Elena breathed an audible sigh of relief as the two finally broke their gazes and turned towards the classroom, this was not going to be an easy day she thought; and she was right, as she so often is.


	12. Any Questions?

Any Questions?

Chapter 12

Everyone in the room was over the age of 23 and yet the act of taking a seat in the classroom had followed all the conventions of 14-year olds jockeying, skulking, and harassing for their ideal chair. The boys, sorry, able young men Hugo and Kenny dived for the two seats at the back. Jess plunked herself in front of them to keep them on a short leash. Konstantin hovered watchfully to see where Villanelle was going to end up, primed to act if she were to inconveniently seat herself next to Eve. Eve was only ever going to sit at the front. Elena had intended to sit somewhere behind her; she wasn't going to be in a canoe so she didn't actually need to pay any attention. But it was the glint in Villanelle's eyes as she observed the empty seat next to Eve that prompted Elena to drop suddenly into that vacant chair. Villanelle glowered at her; Elena boldly returned her stare with the gravitas of a startled rabbit. Konstantin ushered Villanelle to the seats behind Eve and Elena, Villanelle slipping into the seat diagonally behind Eve so she would remain in her eyeline.

The trainer came bumbling into the room under a stack of workbooks, all set at different angles to each other, much like his dishevelled clothing. A middle-aged man, with a goofy disposition. "Hi everyone," he started enthusiastically, "I'm Martin, I'm going to be your trainer for the next few weeks. Normally I'm at the Broadmoor white water centre but Carolyn wanted us to be here in Northampton instead, so here we are." He gestured cheerfully as he said this but the response from the audience was leaden. Every trainer knows that this means a tough day so he sighed, out loud but still with the cheerful air of a trainer who knows they are going to get fed through the wringer but their professional standards dictate that they need to smile all the way through it.

Really the only two people who needed to be there were Eve and Villanelle. They were the only two that were going to actually be getting into a canoe, so the lack of enthusiasm from most of the room was understandable. Most people wouldn't understand the lack of enthusiasm coming from Villanelle though; she had only been sitting down for five minutes and was already bored. Martin was used to this kind of scenario, the majority of his work being with rooms full of graduates and middle management on corporate team building days. Training people who didn't want to be there was his bread and butter.

The next twenty minutes passed inordinately slowly for Villanelle. She thought the thrill of being so close to Eve would keep her energised all day but the gentle, kindly drone of Martin's voice as he went through the basic information slides that start every training course had a soporific effect on her, like a health and safety based guided meditation. Her eyelids dropped and her head began to droop until Konstantin nudged her shoulder squarely with his, jolting her both awake and upright. She looked at him with a startled what? only to notice Eve scowling at her out of the corner of her eye.

"Sorry are we keeping you awake?" said Eve with a hushed but angry tone. That Villanelle had the nerve to not stay awake when she had kept Eve awake so many times with the reel of that night at the BAFTAs playing over and over in her dreams hit a particularly raw nerve with Eve.

Villanelle didn't really know why Eve was so angry, but she uncharacteristically responded appropriately, "I'm sorry Eve, I am taking this seriously," she said without any hint of theatricality. Eve was so taken aback by the lack of clownery that she simply nodded and turned back to the front. Martin was still talking, about what Villanelle didn't know. Eve was still cute, especially when she was angry, why though Villanelle didn't know. Yes, her hair was a bit like Anna’s, but she wasn't aware of any other common features. The flames of desire make them all seem so different, the ashes of rejection make them all seem the same. This was an insight Villanelle was yet to have. For now, Eve was utterly unique to Villanelle, but she certainly wasn't the first woman that had been so special to her.

"Any questions so far?" said Martin in equal parts wishing that there were questions and that the group wanted to engage with him, and desperately hoping that there were no questions because they were likely to be arsey. The room was quiet. Villanelle moved her gaze from the side of Eve's face to Martin. "I have a question," she began in a serious tone. No one in the room believed that her question was going to be as serious as her tone, so began bracing themselves. "Why do boats not sink?" asked Villanelle intently.

Irrelevant questions would normally get parked to the side until later, but the group had been so unengaged so far that Martin was forced to indulge Villanelle a little. He let out another cheerful-yet-resigned-to-die-painfully sigh, then responded, "well it's because boats have air in them, and air is lighter than water."

"How do you get the air in them?" replied Villanelle, apparently intrigued.

"The air just is in them, in the spaces that don't have anything else in them."

"But you can put people in them and they still float," quizzed Villanelle gravely.

"Well yes," Martin chuckled, "people are also lighter than water."

"REALLY?" exclaimed Villanelle with a preposterous amount of astonishment, so much that the rest of the room was also utterly astonished to witness it. "I didn't know that!"

Eve spun fully in her seat to face Villanelle. "Will you stop taking the piss?" she drilled at Villanelle.

The game was now afoot, ha ha! "I haven't taken any piss," replied Villanelle slimily with a smug glare.

"Eve, uh Eve!" Elena coughed under her breath. Eve looked at her and saw her mouth the words "leave it!" silently through her clenched jaws.

Eve stared at her for a few seconds longer, and then let out a resigned huff, Elena was right of course. She would let it go, but not without turning quickly back to Villanelle and shooting a narrow-eyed sneer at her before turning the right way around in her seat.

Villanelle had met her look with a devilish grin, but as Eve turned around she then playfully returned the narrow-eyed sneer to the back of her head. She then looked at Konstantin. Oh ho ho! she said with the look on her face, we've got a hot one here! and he instantly knew that this was just like Anna all over again. His muscles engaged immediately to propel him of the room to make a phone call, but he resisted the impulse and remained motionless, and also somewhat expressionless.

"Hmm," he replied silently, which Villanelle interpreted as him just telling her to be serious.

Martin hoped Villanelle wasn't going to go on an irrelevant question rampage, but he still had to ask if there were any more questions, those were the rules unfortunately.

"Yes speaking of piss," said Hugo loudly, "can I go for one?" Kenny glared at him in shock and mild disgust. "I had three coffees before this," Hugo whispered explanatorily to him, only to be met with an enormous eye roll.

Jess turned ever so slightly in her chair so that Hugo could see her mouthing the word "twat" to him.

"Uh," said Martin as he quickly weighed up the impact of stopping so early, "yes, you've got to be comfortable to learn, and if anyone else needs a comfort break then you've got five minutes."

Villanelle furrowed her brow and turned to Konstantin, "what is a comfort break?"

"It's what English people say when they need to go for a piss," he replied.

"But that guy didn't and he's English," she said tilting her head towards Hugo.

"That's why they all think he's a twat."

"Oh," intoned Villanelle, how interesting.

"I'll give you a fucking uncomfortable break," muttered Eve to be met with a slap on the side of the arm by Elena.

Don't, said Elena just by staring at her.

Eve huffed, "Ok, ok."

"I need to make a quick call," said Konstantin to Villanelle, "I will be back in five minutes. Do not," he emphasised, "make any trouble."

Villanelle opened her mouth in fake shock, "me? Trouble? Huh!"

He gave her an "I mean it" look before he turned quickly and went out the room.

With Konstantin gone the only thing between Eve and Villanelle was Elena. Villanelle began willing her to leave the room. Elena meanwhile resolved that she absolutely mustn't go out of the room and definitely wouldn't. Just as she had dedicated herself to not leaving the room under any circumstances her phone started to vibrate. She pulled the phone out of her pocket, read the screen then looked at Eve, "ah shit, I need to take this, I'll be quick I promise." She fumbled at the screen, "Hello Elena here," she said as she stood up and walked away.

Eve hadn't understood why Elena had been so apologetic about taking the call until she was gone, but suddenly the air was thick. Villanelle slid herself into the space where Elena had been by pouring her arm over the back of the empty chair and bring herself almost level with Eve. Eve gasped involuntarily, the weight of the moment seemingly pushing the air out of her lungs. This was the first time they had been alone since that night two years ago. Her body bristled, ready to respond to any situation, and she waited for Villanelle to strike. But she didn't. She just hugged the back of the chair and smiled, almost shyly. They sat like that for a few moments, Eve primed like a grenade and Villanelle coy like a puppy until the atmosphere between them softened a little.

"Are you going to ask stupid questions all day?" said Eve, the tone of her voice much more joking than inquiring.

Villanelle scrunched her face bashfully, "I don't mean the questions to be stupid, I don't want you to think I am stupid."

Eve's face suddenly beamed, "I know you're not stupid, you're a very intelligent and extraordinary young woman," she said with unexpected tenderness, unexpected to either of them.

Villanelle melted momentarily, "thank you, and so are you," she replied warmly.

Eve let out a laugh and threw back her head, "I'm not young!"

Villanelle chuckled as she realised what she had said, and was just about to reply when Konstantin landed back in his seat. "But you're still beautiful," she continued silently in her head. Villanelle pulled her arms off the back of the empty chair and slumped back into her own seat, her limp arms flapping like a rag doll's to add to the dramatic effect. She sulked at Konstantin for his unwelcome interruption.

Eve couldn't see this happening behind her; she had seen Elena coming back into the room and was experiencing that feeling you get when your ears suddenly unblock after having a head cold for 3 days. Some spell had just been lifted, but what magic was this? She was aware of coming to her senses, but realising that she had no idea where they had been the return of her senses did nothing to reorient her.

Elena had a serious look on her face. Her eyebrows were low and straight, her mouth in a tight line. As she took her seat, she appeared to be mulling something over. This finally pulled Eve back to her centre line.

"Everything OK?" asked Eve in a hushed tone.

Elena didn't move her face, but she looked Eve long in the eyes before responding, "I'll tell you at lunch."

Eve raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"It's nothing major," said Elena, "just a little," she paused, "curious."


	13. What Goes On?

What Goes On?

Chapter 13

In five minutes it would all be over, well for a little while anyway. Martin glanced at the clock on his desk willing the lunch break to arrive. It was still five minutes away, and had been the last four times he looked. They weren't a particularly tough group, they were just a bit, weird. Only Eve and Kenny were taking any notes, no one spoke except Eve and Villanelle, and Villanelle hadn't asked a relevant question yet. While irrelevant questions are the lot of a trainer's life, Martin had never had anyone quite so _lateral_ as Villanelle before.

Will a whale fall in love with the canoe, thinking you are a beautiful little whale from a faraway place? He hadn't really thought about it but answered that he personally had never experienced it. Perhaps it is a Russian thing, he wondered. The Russians in London are far too rich to want to learn to canoe though, so he had no one to compare her with. Maybe she's just weird, he decided.

He glanced at the clock again, five minutes to go. He braced himself like a man just about to pull the handle of an ejector seat, "any more questions before lunch?"

A different voice spoke, Martin was almost pleased until he realised it was Hugo. "But hypothetically speaking, if a whale did fall in love with your canoe and tried to hump it would you die?"

Everyone in the room turned around to fix Hugo with the same wide-eyed stare, Martin joined them.

"Um, I can't speak knowledgably on that but if a whale was to, erm, attack your canoe for some reason then they could certainly bash you about a bit. I'd assume you'd be able to get out of the canoe quite easily though, it's not like you're belted in or anything."

Villanelle sat up and was just shaping her mouth to make a "w" sound when Konstantin kicked her foot. She looked at him crossly, but he just rolled his eyes and whispered, "don't waste time, I'm hungry."

Eve was thinking. "So what does keep you in the canoe then?" she asked, seemingly unable to work it out for herself.

"Um, well, being the right way up in the water," said Martin while trying to think if there was anything else that kept you in. He glanced up for a moment, then back at Eve, "yeah that mostly."

"So if the boat is upside down then you fall out?"

"Yes. If you want to. You can stay in the boat too though."

"Why would you want to stay in the boat if it was the wrong way round?" queried Eve.

"Well you need to stay in the boat to get it back the right way up," Martin had thought Eve was actually paying attention but apparently not, it was in the slides Eve, it was definitely in the slides. "Usually you don't want to get out of the boat once you're on the water, the risk of your canoe getting swept away from you isn't one that you would take lightly."

"OK," said Eve, "just to be clear, if the boat is the wrong way around you shouldn't get out of it?"

"No," said Martin, "not usually."

"But if it's being humped by a whale," said Hugo "then yes?"

Martin was momentarily transfixed until an unfamiliar voice spoke, Russian, but this time saying something sensible.

"It's lunch time!" boomed Konstantin as he stood up jubilantly, sparking everyone to start leaving the room.

Martin could see that he would be overruled if he tried to stop them and quickly chimed in "yes lunch everyone, back here in one hour, don't be late!" He was just so relieved that it was over that he accepted the loss of authority. He had barely finished sighing when the room was completely empty except for him.

The group had filed out in record quick time and were back in the foyer which now had a buffet laid out on it. Hugo and Kenny were at the front already, everyone else was forming into a queue behind them except Eve. Looking at the group she paused for a moment and tapped Elena on the arm, "actually I think I'll go to the toilet first," she said.

"OK," said Elena, "me too," realising Eve was setting up an opportunity to tell her what had happened earlier when she took the phone call. As the outside door of the bathroom closed behind them Eve sidled up to Elena, "what did you want to tell me?" she said quietly.

Elena done a quick scan around the room even though she knew it was empty before she spoke. "I heard Konstantin, he was on the phone, he seemed quite agitated about something."

"Did you hear what he was agitated about?" quizzed Eve.

Elena shook her head, "no, I didn't hear the details. I could only pick out a few words, but he said your name."

Eve raised an eyebrow, "That's not so curious, is it?"

"No, I know," said Elena, "but he said another name, Anna Leonova, and it reminded me of something I heard last year, when I was working for Frank."

"I don't think I know her," said Eve rapidly scanning her memory banks.

"I think she's an actress, I'm not sure though. Anyway," Elena continued, "I heard Frank on a call and he said something about Anna Leonova, and then something about you. I didn't hear what, but I heard your name and obviously it caught my attention."

Eve looked squarely at Elena, "do you have any idea what they were talking about?"

"No," said Elena disconsolately.

What could it have been, Eve wondered, her curiosity unable to let her brush the incident off. "Do you remember anything about that call, any other names or places or anything?" she pressed.

Elena thought for a moment, then shook her head. She paused again for a moment, then looked at Eve, "Twelve. He said something about Twelve or The Twelve. But I don't know what that means. Twelve wanted something or didn't want something, or something like that. I don't know any more than that," she finished with a shrug, "sorry."

Eve put her hand on Elena's arm and rubbed it, "you don't need to be sorry. You heard _something,_ that's enough to get started with," she said warmly. "Hey," she said cheerfully as she smiled, "If these fuckers are up to something I'm pretty sure I can find out what it is, you don't get much past Eve Polastri."

They both chuckled, no you don't get much past Eve Polastri. Largely this was because of her egotistical obsession with making sure nothing got past her rather than any particular aptitude for investigation. Eve smiled to herself. The intrigue fired her imagination and sent energy through her veins. Niko said she was like a dog with a bone when she had something to dig into, and her tail was already wagging thinking of what Olympic standard bastardry she was going to uncover. She was also secretly delighted that they were up to something, and that she was part of it.

Just then the door swung open and Villanelle unceremoniously barged through it. She stopped and stared at the two women, Eve's hand still on Elena's arm. "Am I interrupting something?" she said, one eyebrow raised, trying her best to be delicate.

Eve looked at her then looked at her hand on Elena's arm, quickly dropping it and saying, "you asshole!" to Villanelle. "Ugh!" exclaimed Eve as she marched out of the room, lightly bumping into Villanelle as she walked past her, Elena scurrying quickly behind in her wake.

Villanelle was still standing on the same spot smiling, lost in the glow from the momentary physical contact between her and Eve when Jess came in the bathroom.

"Oksana," said Jess with an acknowledging nod as she walked past.

Villanelle stopped smiling very suddenly and thrust her arm out to block Jess's path. She put her face very close to Jess's and said grimly "you must never call me that."

Jess froze for a moment, "no, sorry, no. I forgot. Sorry." Villanelle didn't move. "I won't do it again," said Jess emphatically.

Villanelle remained motionless then suddenly pulled her arm out of the way. "Good," she said with an added sinister stare, then spun out of the bathroom quickly.

Jess breathed a sigh of relief and looked back at the closing door. "Fucking Russian twat piece," she muttered. 

Villanelle suddenly spun back in through the almost closed door. Jess froze again, fearing that Villanelle had heard her. Villanelle paused and looked seriously at Jess for a few moments, "I forgot to go to the toilet," she said sheepishly. The two women stared awkwardly at each other for a few more moments. The impasse was finally broken by Villanelle lurching towards an open cubicle.

She's so fucking weird, thought Jess to herself, she really hasn't changed.


	14. It's All Gravy

It’s All Gravy

Chapter 14

The beep of the timer brought Niko scurrying back into the kitchen. Donning an oven glove he pulled the door of the cooker open, pulled the dish out slightly to observe the sizzling contents, then slid it neatly back in and closed the door again. The sound of the front door opening surprised him. He was almost certain that Eve would be late; something would come up, maybe she might even not come home that night. He didn't realise it but his generous gesture of having dinner ready for the time she was due to arrive back was in fact more of a trap that he was sure she would fall in to. "You aren't coming home? And I made dinner for you!" was the script that was playing out in his subconscious. This currently only manifested in him as a feeling of uneasiness that he couldn't place.

"Hi," called Eve from the hallway while rustling around with jackets and bags, "something smells good!"

"I'm in the kitchen," Niko called back to her. He heard her shoes hit the ground with a thump thump as she kicked them off, and then she came bustling into the kitchen, making a beeline directly for him.

"Hey you," she said as she flung her arms around his neck, smiling and leaning in for a kiss.

"Hey you," he said putting his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to make the kiss. Eve stayed put for a few more kisses before Niko began to speak, "so how was it?"

She kept smiling for a moment then disengaged herself from the embrace. "It was good. I mean it was shit, Jesus that trainer is fucking dull, but you know it was good. And hey do you remember that little guy Kenny who worked with me on Would You Adam and Eve it? Well he's a cameraman now, he's on my crew, cool huh?"

The moustache twitched. "Cool," said Niko. No Villanelle. Will she mention her if I don't say anything wondered Niko. He decided to not mention her and see what happened. Another trap set, but still Niko didn't really know what he was going to catch if he was right. "You didn't sink then?" said Niko with a chuckle.

"No," said Eve laughing, "we didn't get much time on the water but I didn't sink."

"How was the hotel?"

"Jeez, Holiday Inn, all the same. Nine chips with every meal, you think they'd come up with something different by now. We ended up going to a Chinese Buffet for dinner."

The moustache bristled like a needle picking up a reading on a voltmeter. "We?" asked Niko, with an innocent tone.

"Yeah, all of us," replied Eve casually.

He couldn't stop himself from springing his own trap. "Villanelle?" he asked even more casually.

Eve felt like he was implying something but was sure that there was no way that he would be thinking along those lines. Why on earth would he be suspicious of her having dinner with Villanelle? There was no reason, right? "Yeah all of us," she said again, "and V was there, we were all there."

  1. She called her V. Niko felt like his stomach had just been launched up to his tonsils and had fallen back into place just as rapidly with a thud. His moustache was extremely uneasy about all of this. "V?" he chuckled, not really laughing but forcing himself to sound lighthearted, "you friends now?"



Eve started laughing, "oh god no!" She shook her head as she pondered the ridiculousness of the idea, "that girl is weird! Like totally fucking weird. Like I'd swear she was on acid, except she's just always so fucking weird. Acid would wear off at some point."

"You can't be friends with someone because they're weird?" scoffed Niko, "you wouldn't have any friends in TV if that was the case."

Eve gave him an oh come on! look, "there's weird and then there's weird. And then there's Villanelle. She's in a league of her own."

Something about the way she smiled as she pondered Villanelle's pro-level weirdness set the moustache off again. Is she lying about something Niko wondered briefly.

"She's a royal pain in the ass that one," continued Eve, still smiling in that curious way that suggested that perhaps Eve was more tolerant of her than her words conveyed, perhaps one might even think that she liked her.

Niko was inwardly seething, but if you were to ask him why he would say something about Villanelle pulling another trick on Eve, nothing about jealousy.

Eve was oblivious to this though, probably just as well because she wouldn't be able to tell you if there really was anything to be jealous of, and the suggestion of it would cause her to panic. "Hey so what's for dinner then?" she said goofily while jabbing Niko in the ribs.

He forced a smile onto his face to make out that he was playing along, "we've got chicken, roast potatoes, roast veg, yorkies, and buckets of gravy."

"Gravy, yes!" said Eve jubilantly with a fist pump.

These small gestures, these little things that only you can know will please your partner seem so illogically reassuring in the face of a rival. The doneness of your toast, your favourite pair of socks, your requirement for a bucket of gravy with any roasted meat; these rituals acquired through years of living together day after day feel like a wall of sandbags that will absorb the creeping waves of attention from a new suitor. It was enough to put Niko's hackles back down. He smiled genuinely for the first time since Eve had come home.

"I'll set the table," said Eve, turning to reach into the cupboard for plates.

Niko let out a little "ah" sound as his body finally relaxed. "I'll deal with the bird then," he chimed, fetching his oven gloves and heading to the cooker.

His head was pretty much in the oven when Eve's phone chirped, the glow catching her eye. She managed to glance at it while it was still lit, the quick notification saying, "Text from V: Wanna hang canoe commander?" followed by a string of emojis.

"God she's such an asshole," Eve muttered with a laugh. She turned around and the sight of Niko in the oven suddenly caused a panic to arise. He can't see that she had just sent a text. She didn't know why she felt like she needed to hide it, but she just knew that something bad would happen if she said, "Oh my god look at what that asshole just texted me!" She squeezed the power button of her phone. Shit, no one turns their phone off, she thought. She released the pressure from the button before the shutdown sequence had begun. "What the fuck am I going to do?" she wondered frantically. As Niko rose from his crouching position with the roasting dish holding the golden chicken, she spontaneously flipped her phone face down and snapped her hand back by her side. Nothing to see here. How could Eve move this along? She scoured her memory banks for anything useful that might get her out of this uncomfortable feeling.

"Uh, did you say something about going away? To Oxford?" she desperately hoped she had remembered this right. To be honest she hadn't fully been listening when she spoke to him on the phone while she was outside the Chinese restaurant, cadging a cigarette from Hugo, and taking a break from Villanelle's heavy gaze.

"Ah yes," replied Niko, "I've been asked to stand in for someone at short notice, childcare issues or something. Is it a problem? I didn't see anything in your diary."

"Oh," Eve chuckled, "no, of course not. Hey," she continued jokily, "don't bother staying at a Holiday Inn if you want more than nine chips though."


	15. Your Mama Says Hi

Your Mama Says Hi

Chapter 15

Perfect, thought Villanelle as she gazed at the beautiful mass of flowers that she had so artfully arranged; her eye for aesthetics was always spot on. She put the unwritten card inside the long flat box where the flowers were resting and slid the lid carefully on top, leaving the closed box on the table as she tidied up the leaves and cut ends. Just as she had finished putting these in the bin her intercom buzzed. It was Konstantin and she was expecting him. She hit the entry button without even responding to Konstantin's "V it's me." She opened the front door for him to let himself in; waiting to greet a guest was just too boring.

Konstantin came bustling into her living room. He looked at her like they were in the middle of a conversation, "so?" he said, lifting his hands a little. Villanelle knew exactly what he was asking about, but feigned ignorance.

"So, what?" she said with a puzzled expression, then followed by a girly smile.

Konstantin's brow furrowed, "you know what!" he boomed suddenly, "you won't answer my question that's what!"

"Can't a girl have any secrets?" said Villanelle in a faux coy voice, doing a little curtsey just for added irritation.

"Not if it's going to cause as much trouble as last time!" shouted Konstantin, his face colouring with anger.

Unusually for Villanelle that statement caused her some annoyance, even more unusually she allowed it to be shown, "trouble?" she snapped, "Trouble? A young girl gets taken advantage of and she is the one who caused the trouble?" Her stare was burning.

Konstantin had to concede that point, she had been young at the time and although Anna had always denied what happened she probably should still have thought about Villanelle's naivety. His face softened to a more amenable expression, he let out a sigh as he shrugged, "ok, yes, you were young, you fell in love, it was the first time, it was incredible, la la la. But you were _obsessed_."

"But isn't that what love is? Obsession?" asked Villanelle, peering deeply into Konstantin's eyes.

"Not that kind of obsession. There was nothing but Anna. Every minute was Anna. The games you played just to be with her. The people you fucked with. The shoot was almost ruined, you were so besotted you could hardly work! That's what the trouble is! I don't want it to happen again!"

"Ha!" spat Villanelle victoriously, "that's what the trouble is, you don't want anything to make you look bad. You want everyone to just turn up and work like good little acting robots, and make you money and make you look good."

"No," he pleaded, "no, I don't think like that. You cause me trouble all the time, getting you out of it makes me look good. But the Anna thing was different, you nearly got dropped for it. They thought you were too unstable, too vulnerable, a liability. I had to tell them it was just young love and that you would grow out of it. If they see it happen again they will let you go."

Villanelle froze for a moment, "who?" she said, "who will let me go? That film wasn't for Carolyn. How can what I do now have anything to do with what I done then?"

Konstantin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, briefly looking at the floor then up to face Villanelle, "I mean other producers, they don't like taking risks when the star has complicated relationships."

She felt sure he was lying about something but decided to sit on it for the time being, why cut to the chase when you can play some games first? "Famous people have complicated relationships all the time, have you even seen Miley Cyrus? Why do I have to be a saint?" she quizzed.

"You work for a different kind of market, movies cost hundreds of millions of dollars, that's a big risk and they don't like taking any extra ones. And you," he emphasised, "you are the best at what you do, you get the best scripts. If they lose faith in you then you will start only getting romcoms."

This still didn't feel like a full explanation, but Villanelle could at least understand that some of it was to do with getting access to the best roles. She had never been given a romcom script, ever. She attributed it solely to her own talent, but perhaps actually Konstantin's management was a factor. This was news to her, but she wasn't ready to let this new information into her worldview just yet. "Pfft!" she retorted. She spun away dramatically with one hand tossed up like she was throwing away a crisp packet.

Konstantin followed her across the room and gripped her arm to turn her back around. "You need to tell me the truth, are you in love with Eve?" he said imploringly, almost shaking her.

Villanelle's face was utterly expressionless. The truth. What is the truth? How do you even know if you are telling it? She genuinely didn't know how to answer the question, the truth for her was whatever she felt at that exact moment, and yet when she looked back on those moments she didn't know whether that had been the truth or not. At this exact moment she was mostly annoyed. "No," she answered crisply.

Konstantin's mouth formed into a tight line, "I know you have feelings for her, I could see that very clearly, don't lie to me."

Still her face didn't give anything away. "Just because," she drawled, "you want to fuck someone it doesn't mean that you are in love." She glowered at him impudently.

"You can't fuck her," he said in a low stern voice, "she is married, this is a big job, you," he said pointing at her with his free hand, "you are the biggest actress in the world right now and she is a middle aged, boring fucking TV do-gooder who makes fucking wallpaper programmes. You would be a laughing stock: Villanelle the beautiful glamourous actress who can have anyone she wants going granny grabbing in Waitrose? What do you think it will look like?"

She seethed at him for a few moments before speaking, "can I have anyone I want or can't I? Which one is it?"

"Oh for god's," he exclaimed with an exasperated sigh, "you can have anyone you want Villanelle, but you need to understand the consequences. If you fuck Eve then your career will be fucked."

Her face set hard, "what's the difference with Anna? My career wasn't fucked then!"

"Because I saved it!" he shouted with his arms thrown out wide. He regained his composure before saying softly "And I don't think I can do it twice." His eyes were soft and pleading, please don't do this, please.

Villanelle thought for a moment, she had so many options to choose from she wanted to be sure she went for the best reaction. Finally, her own face softened, "ok, I won't fuck Eve."

Konstantin gave in to half a smile, he knew it was best to always keep something in reserve with Villanelle.

"Hey," she said cheerily, the tone such a sudden contrast that it was like a handbrake turn, "do you have a pen?"

Konstantin began to hoot with laughter, mostly it was relief, but also at the absurdity, "you are one of the richest actresses in the world and you don't have a pen?"

She sulked playfully at him, "I have pens. I just don't have one right now."

He reached into his inside pocket, still chuckling, and pulled out an ordinary looking corporate branded ballpoint pen which he handed to her.

"How do you always have a pen in your pocket? Do the jackets come with one?" she asked, in all seriousness.

He was momentarily dumbfounded, but came to an answer after a pause, "no I put a pen in there before I leave."

"Every time?" she asked in astonishment.

"Yes," he laughed.

"Wow!" she exclaimed, "that's so organised. You have an amazing memory."

Konstantin didn't know if she was joking or not and found himself stuck between laughing and confusion; this was the effect Villanelle had on people most often, that and absolute fury.

She took the pen over to the box of flowers, lifted the lid slightly and took the unwritten card out. 

"Who are they for?" Konstantin asked suspiciously.

"Joe," said Villanelle flatly.

"Joe who?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"Joe Mama," she replied.

"I don't know him," said Konstantin.

"It's meant to sound like your mama."

"Why would you send flowers to my mama? She's been dead for eight years."

"I don't know," conceded Villanelle, "it's supposed to be funny."

"I don't get it," said Konstantin shaking his head.

"No, me neither."


	16. Anna Who?

Anna Who?

Chapter 16

Eve was sitting in front of her open laptop. Niko was moving in an almost continuous circuit of the house as he collected items on his packing list, much like a squirrel might as it went to recover its buried acorns. She was so accustomed to his motion that it didn't interrupt her attention at all. She remained entirely focussed on the screen and her own feeling of unquelled curiosity. Searching for Anna Leonova had given a ridiculously small amount of relevant hits, but then again, she would insist on using Bing. Most of the entries were in Russian, and her Wikipedia entry in English was little more than the type of bio that you might find printed in a theatre programme. Anna Leonova "AND" Eve Polastri didn't return anything.

Fuckers, she thought, couldn't just make it easy for me huh? "Hey," she said without looking up from the screen, "have you heard of a Russian actress called Anna Leonova?"

Niko stopped moving, thinking, "no, I don't think so. Why would you think I might know? I don't know anything about films."

"Well she's Russian, I dunno, maybe you'd know more than me."

"But I'm Polish?" he responded questioningly.

"Yeah, it's closer than here though." Niko's moustache bent into a disapproving frown, and he began moving again, leaving Eve with her thoughts and continuing curiosity. Anna Leonova "AND" Konstantin Vasiliev she typed. The results page loaded in with a pause, again the pages mostly in Russian, but nothing useful.

Eve turned away from the screen to face Niko. "God, this is frustrating, there's," she realised Niko was not standing where she thought he was, "no one here. Just talking to yourself Eve."

Niko appeared in the doorway, "did you say something?"

Eve smiled, "yes, I was just saying how frustrating this search is, there's nothing. Everything is in Russian or the English stuff is so basic, I can't find anything to feed my delusion with, never mind any real dirt."

The moustache wiggled a little from side to side. "Have you tried images?" said Niko.

"Images?" she replied.

"Yes, there's an option on the top of the search page to look at an image search."

"But how would that help?" asked Eve.

"Sometimes things come up that don't come up in web page searches. If you haven't found anything else it's always worth a shot," he said.

"Hey why the hell not?" she said with a shrug. She turned back to the laptop and peering at the screen she noticed the images option had been there the whole time. "Well fancy that," she said to herself as she clicked it. The screen filled up with photos of Konstantin, mostly professional headshots. No Anna Leonova though. "Oh, crap," said Eve.

"That'll be a no then?" said Niko, peeking his head around the door frame.

"Just pictures of Konstantin. No conspiracy there."

Niko gave a little sigh, "maybe there is no conspiracy, maybe it's just a coincidence?"

Eve absolutely hated that idea but didn't show it, "yeah maybe. But still, twice. Two conversations Elena heard that both had me and Anna Leonova in them. Some people obviously think we have something in common. And I don't even know who this Anna bitch is! Sounds kinda fishy to me," she said, happy that she had reconvinced herself that she had excellent grounds to be suspicious.

"Maybe," said Niko in a totally unbelievable way.

Fortunately, Eve was so caught up in her own brilliance that had re-established itself firmly in her mind that something was going on that she entirely missed Niko's flippancy. The doorbell rang. Eve noticed that Niko was neither there, nor producing any sounds that suggested he was walking towards the front door. "I'll get that," said Eve sarcastically. She got out of her chair and into the hallway, then opened the front door to an empty space. No one was there. She took a moment to assess the situation; no one was at the door, why could that be?

As she stood there her eyes glanced down. On her doorstep was a long flat box with a lid on it. Perhaps she could have been more cautious, but this hadn't occurred to her. Despite being sure she was part of some conspiracy, her curiosity and egotistical drive to know were the primary sensations of her current experience. She crouched down and lifted the lid carefully off the box. "Oh wow," she said quietly as the flowers became visible to her. Her eyes darted around to see if there was a note of any kind. She saw the card, now in an envelope with Eve written on the outside in fluid handwriting. Her heart leapt a little, she knew they were from her, she recognised that writing. She heard a soft rummaging noise from inside the house and remembered that Niko existed; her heart sank.

She quickly stuffed the unopened card into her back pocket and picked up the box with the lid propped on top at a jaunty and precarious angle.

Niko was in the hallway as she turned around to go back in, "is that flowers? For you?" he said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. If they're from Villanelle, I swear I'll, he thought to himself but without any actual knowledge of what he would do if they were.

"Yeah," replied Eve, also trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"Who are they from?" Niko said, every inch a lesson in bad acting about how to not sound like you are not in the least bit suspicious of who just sent your wife an enormous box of flowers.

Eve's systems were all focussed on damage control, so the lack of subtlety was entirely lost on her, all she knew was that Villanelle was the wrong answer, don't say Villanelle. "Umm, I'm not sure, Elena maybe," she said, also unconvincingly.

"How much are you paying her?" scoffed Niko, a little too convincingly, "That's a lot of flowers."

"Ha!" splurted Eve, "Too much maybe!" and her face went into a laboured laugh that petered out after a second. The two stood looking at each other, neither smiling, before Niko and his moustache walked away without any further comment. He returned a few seconds later with his packed bags. "Is it time for you to go already?" said Eve.

"Yes," he replied dryly. "

Well, bon voyage-y!" she said with entirely inappropriate levels of jollity. As the words came out of her mouth she heard how wrong it sounded, and suddenly felt like a tit. Niko just stared at her, the moustache seeming as if it was standing there with a stern scowl on its face.

"Let me know when you get there, ok?" she said in a more normal tone. Niko didn't speak, but Eve moved forward to give him a standard goodbye kiss. Niko didn't move, leaving Eve to awkwardly cover double the distance to land an unwelcome kiss on his unresponsive lips. She blinked at him. "Bye then," she said in an upbeat tone.

"Bye," he snapped and brushed past her to go out of the front door.

"Phew!" thought Eve to herself as the door slammed behind her, "I think I got away with that one." She instinctively didn't move from the hallway as she listened to the progress of Niko's departure. The car being unlocked, the boot opening then closing, a door being opened and closed, a pause, the sound of the engine starting, and then finally the noise of the car pulling away and moving further and further until it couldn't be heard any more.

She put the box of flowers down on the floor and reached into her back pocket. She flipped the little envelope in her hand and prised it open. Inside was a white card, with that familiar handwriting on it. "I want to have dinner with you, tonight? Don't want you to be lonely. V x."

"Asshole," Eve chuckled, not even considering how Villanelle might know that she would be alone tonight. She must have mentioned it at the Chinese restaurant. Funny how Eve's conspiracy radar wasn't picking up any signals right now. She went into the living room where her phone was sitting next to the laptop, just about to text Villanelle when a message arrived.

"So? Dinner? Yes?" It was from Villanelle. 

Eve laughed, yes I suppose so, she said to herself. "Where do you want to go?" she replied.

The reply came in a beat, "How about yours?"

Eve thought for a second, "I've only got Shepherd's Pie."

"I'll eat anything, perfect. See you at 7."

"OK, cool." It was already 5.30. Damn, I better get ready, thought Eve, and tidy the house, oh my god, I better get a move on. Conspiracies all forgotten, Eve scuttled up the stairs to find something to wear. And to bleach the toilet.


	17. Allow Myself to Introduce Myself

Allow Myself to Introduce Myself

Chapter 17

The doorbell chimed. The door opened to reveal Konstantin holding a bottle of wine. "Hope I'm not too early," he said warmly.

"Of course not!" laughed Carolyn ushering him in. She threw her arms around him in a big bear hug and squeezed at him with an "ughhh" sound. They both laughed for a moment. "So good to have you here," said Carolyn seriously, “it’s been too long."

"Yes, but it’s always just as good every time we are together," said Konstantin with a twinkle in his eyes.

Carolyn let out a girly laugh and tossed her head back. "Come on, let's eat in the kitchen," she said, taking his elbow and leading him into the house.

Meanwhile on the other side of London a similar scene was playing out as Eve's doorbell rang. Similar only in the sense that a doorbell was being rung, pretty much everything else was different. Eve's foot was only halfway into the second leg of her trousers and moving now would only lead to her falling over. She hurriedly jostled her foot down the trouser leg and fumbled with her zip. Dashing down the stairs she launched herself at the front door and opened it with an unnecessarily dramatic flourish. Villanelle smirked.

"Uh, hi, come in," said Eve with a stumble. Villanelle smiled and walked into the hallway. She waited politely for Eve to finish closing the door and to lead her into the house. "This way," said Eve as she walked past, directing Villanelle to the kitchen where the table was already set. The Russian looked around the room before raising her hand to reveal a bottle of wine that she had been holding the whole time. "Something from your wine cellar?" said Eve with a laugh.

Villanelle missed that this was a joke, "no it's from a shop."

"Ah, ha ha," Eve responded stiltedly, "thank you," and she put her hand out to receive the bottle. Eve couldn't help but read the unfamiliar looking label, expensive, no doubt.

Villanelle saw her looking at the bottle, "it's a Chateaux Mouton Rothschild," she said in a perfect French accent, "2004," she finished in her own Russian accent.

"Oh," said Eve, "um, good year." The microwave gave a ping of betrayal. Here she was with an expensive red wine in her hands and the meal to go with it was microwaved Shepherd's Pie. Villanelle only smiled though, the juxtaposition creating no apparent concern for her. "Please, take a seat," said Eve gesturing, "dinner is ready."

Eve went over to the microwave as Villanelle slid herself gracefully into one of the empty chairs. She sat upright and expectantly as Eve fumbled around with a tea towel and the plastic container with tonight's dinner in it. She came over to the table and placed the container down, "here it is!" she said with a comical flourish. “Oh, let me get a bottle opener," said Eve as she was just about to sit, "please help yourself." Villanelle gave a grateful nod and picked up the plastic box and serving spoon, carefully dissecting the contents in two and scooping half out onto the empty plate in front of her. Eve returned with the bottle opener and Villanelle gestured to ask if she wanted her to serve up her portion too. "Uh, yes, thanks," said Eve. "Wine?"

"Yes, thank you," said Villanelle. She began eating the pie as Eve opened the wine, "this is good," she said warmly.

"It's not much but it's food, right?" said Eve almost apologetically as she poured two glasses of £800 wine out for them.

"Oh no, it's really very good," insisted Villanelle.

"Well I can't take any credit, my husband made it."

"You have chosen a good husband then," said Villanelle with an impish little laugh.

"Oh, I don't know," said Eve unguardedly, "if you like missionary then definitely." Villanelle blinked and Eve realised that she didn't know what she was talking about, change the subject. She took a swig of wine, "fuck me!" she suddenly erupted, "this wine!"

That was Villanelle's ultimate intention of course. She suppressed a laugh and instead replied, "yes it's quite good."

"This must be what the wine Jesus made from water tasted like," said Eve enthusiastically, "it's so good."

A little smirk tugged at the corners of Villanelle's mouth, but she wanted to be on her best behaviour, she had better charm Eve Polastri, this was her best chance so far. The two ate silently for a minute, Villanelle maintaining a coy disposition, Eve feeling awkward as English people always do when faced with more than one millisecond of silence.

"Hey," said Eve, "you're Russian, maybe you know this." Villanelle looked up at her. "You ever heard of Anna Leonova?"

Villanelle couldn't help it, but the colour drained from her face. She focussed on her breathing to maintain her composure. "What do you want to know?" she said guardedly.

"Like who is she? Is she an actress or something?"

"Yes, she is an actress," said Villanelle.

Eve felt like she was not being forthcoming, did she have something to hide? Her curiosity was piqued again. "Anything else?" asked Eve.

"Like what?"

Eve shrugged, "do you know her?" she quizzed. Villanelle blanched a little. Eve tilted her head, "sorry is this something uncomfortable for you?" she said gently.

Villanelle's face was unusually serious, and also unusually gave the appearance that perhaps she was going to puke. Eve put her hand out and placed it on Villanelle's, giving her hand a firm but supportive squeeze. The contact brought some calm to Villanelle's systems, the wave of nausea appeared to pass, and finally her face began to reanimate.

She bit her bottom lip a little before she spoke, "yes," she said softly, "yes I know her."

Delight coursed through Eve's veins, found one of your weak spots, bitch, she thought to herself, keep talking honey. Eve gave Villanelle another supportive hand squeeze. "Did something happen?" she asked with a kindly tone.

Villanelle looked around a little before deciding how to continue, she was uncomfortable but she didn't want it to show. But at the same time she knew vulnerability was a great way of getting women into bed. She quickly convinced herself that she could act vulnerable, while she was feeling vulnerable, as a ploy to seduce Eve. Sure that she was just acting now, she began to open up, "I was young, it was my first film. She was in it."

Eve picked up a scent, she decided to follow it, "what happened?" she asked.

"I had never been in love before," she replied coquettishly, seeming every inch the 17-year-old girl of the story.

"Oh," said Eve, "you had a relationship with her?"

"She has always denied it, but yes."

"Were you old enough to, I mean was it legal to -?" said Eve while gesturing by forming a circle with the fingers of one hand and poking the finger of her other hand into it. She suddenly realised that this was probably the wrong gesture for two women and dropped her hands quickly under the table.

"Yes, I was old enough," replied Villanelle with a slightly stunned look from the hand gesture still on her face. Eve now felt like she was in control of the conversation, she could squeeze whatever she wanted out of Villanelle. She put her hand calculatedly back on Villanelle's and looked sincerely into her eyes, "did she break your heart?"

Villanelle now felt like she was in control of the situation and could wheedle her way into Eve's bed. She artfully suppressed a smile and spoke with the gravity of a nun in confession, "yes, she did." She put a glamorously melancholic expression over her face, like she was shooting a perfume advert.

"You poor child," said Eve so convincingly that she herself wondered if she actually meant it.

Raising her eyes to Eve's like a fawn Villanelle smiled innocently but sadly. She even managed to get her eyes to gloss a bit. Such a good performance she was thinking to herself.

A thought darted across Eve's mind, fast and fading like a shooting star: what if Villanelle is in love with me? She felt the impact of this smash down on her like a slab of concrete; her bones shook at the monumental thud. She could not entertain it, not even for a second. She moved all the chairs in her mind to give the thought nowhere to sit down. Oh, you're not staying? Bye then. She looked at Villanelle with the terror that comes over you when you wonder if someone can read your mind, maybe even better than you can. Like a woman being dragged into a strong current, she knew she just had to grab hold of something to thwart the irresistible motion. Wine, drink the wine. She snatched her glass and poured about £200 worth of wine (a large mouthful in other words) down her throat.

Utterly confused, Villanelle just gazed on open mouthed. What on earth is Eve thinking about? "Um, are you ok?" asked Villanelle carefully, her face a picture of puzzlement, "it's just I thought we were talking about me and then you like, went weird."

Eve inhaled sharply. She had pushed the unwelcome thought off so quickly she could hardly remember what the problem was. She was still left with the shudder in her bones and a sense that she had something to hide from Villanelle. "I was just," she began haltingly, "just thinking about you being so young, and having all these feelings, and, and, getting your heart broken, and finding out how cruel the world can be, and you know," she paused, now fully warmed up to her lie, "I just felt it so deeply." She even put her hands over her heart as she said this, the lying toad. "You know, I almost wish I could have been there, for little Villanelle, just to tell her that it hurts now but everything will be ok," Eve was on top schlock setting, and was actually enjoying the thrill of talking so much shit.

Villanelle's eyes sparkled with delight and mystery, "oh that would have been wonderful. It was hard, Konstantin just said you'll get over it. I don't think he really understood. Not like you do," she purred.

Konstantin. Eve felt some pieces falling into place. So Villanelle was working with Konstantin way back then, he knew about the relationship with Anna. She daren't think that Konstantin thought Villanelle was in love with her though; she had just shooed that unwelcome guest away. But what else would she have in common with Anna, why were they mentioned in the same breath? Twice? Eve thought for a moment, "say, this is a bit off topic, but do you know anything about Twelve?" she asked.

Villanelle pulled a don't know face, "it's a number?"

"What about The Twelve?" Eve continued.

Villanelle shook her head, "I sometimes hear people saying The Twelve, but I don't know what it is."

"You don't know anything about it?" quizzed Eve.

"No," said Villanelle in a way that made Eve think she might actually be telling the truth.

"Cool. Sorry, it was nothing, it was just a thing someone said and I wondered if you might know," Eve gestured apologetically.

Villanelle gave a little coy smile again, "that's ok. I would tell you if I knew." She fixed her big fawn eyes on Eve's and willed her heart to melt.

Eve gave her a soft smile but was the whole time thinking about Konstantin, Anna, and The Twelve. "Hey," said Eve brightly, "you want some dessert? I got ice cream."

This wasn't the sweet treat Villanelle was working so hard to get into her mouth, but it would do for the time being. "Sure," she said smiling, "I would love some."


	18. They've All Got It Infamy

They’ve All Got It Infamy

Chapter 18

The phone rang. "Hello, you're through to Eve Polastri's number, how can I help you? All press inquiries are being handled by M Issecks PR. Thank you for calling," Elena finished chirpily, although neither she nor anyone else in the room was feeling particularly chipper right now. 

"Who was it?" asked Eve.

"The Daily Mail," said Elena glumly.

"Oh Jesus, they're all after me," groaned Eve. She was grateful that Elena was here filtering all the incoming communications, they seemed to be coming from every direction. Her phone had hardly stopped ringing, blipping, pinging, buzzing, and flashing since about 8.30 that morning with endless notifications. Niko wasn't among the callers though, he had simply sent Eve a screenshot of the photograph of Villanelle leaving her house, no wait, his house at 3am that day. It was on all the papers' websites. It wasn't big news, it was to Niko, but for the general public it was just a curious little titbit. Everyone still wanted a comment from Eve though.

Konstantin was more interested in getting a comment directly from Villanelle. He was standing in her living room reading an email from Carolyn on his phone.

"Saw the pics. Good publicity. A little bit of slap and tickle never hurt the ratings. You worry too much. Pomegranates. C"

"Uhhhh!" Konstantin moaned, shaking his head. Carolyn doesn't know how bad this could get; he wasn't worrying too much; she wasn't worrying enough. "Villanelle!" he shouted, "will you get up?"

"Mhmmhm," came the muffled response. Villanelle was still in bed, having only got home at 4am. She drank £400 of red wine, ate half a tub of Ben and Jerry's Sofa So Good, a microwaved shepherd's pie, a packet of Jaffa cakes, half a swiss roll, and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps; to be honest she wasn't feeling that great.

Konstantin gave precisely zero fucks about that right now; he was furious. "Get up!" he roared, "now!" There was no apparent response. "Don't make me come in there!" he bellowed, his face turning red. Some noise came from the direction of the bedroom, it sounded like sheets moving. "Are you coming out?" he shouted.

The door swung open, "yes I am!" shouted Villanelle back at him with a grumpy stare. She came out looking like an immaculate mess, hair artfully going in every direction and a silk dressing gown draped over her frame. She looked like shit, but in a really impressive way. Konstantin though was not impressed by the sight.

"What the fuck, Villanelle? What the fuck were you doing at Eve Polastri's? I told you not to fuck her," he drilled at Villanelle, fuming.

Villanelle smirked, then said smugly, "I didn't fuck her, just like I said." Not for the want of trying, she thought to herself.

Konstantin's eyes were trying very hard to bore holes in Villanelle's head, he sucked in his lips before he spoke, "what were you doing there?"

"I was having dinner with her," said Villanelle defensively.

"Til 3 in the morning?" snapped Konstantin.

"Yes!" implored Villanelle.

"Was it a 15-course meal, huh? What were you doing all night?" he asked, his eyes wide and unmoving from Villanelle's.

"We had dinner, and some wine, and we talked, and then she said you like games, and I'm like uh huh you bet I like games, and she gets Cluedo out," said Villanelle finishing with a note of disappointment.

"Cluedo? Bullshit!" barked Konstantin, "who did you play as, Miss Scarlett?" he said sarcastically.

"No I was Dr. Orchid “ replied Villanelle with a look of mock disgust on her face, as if he could ever think she was lying, and that she would be anyone but the twisted toxic plant expert.

"How did the murder happen then? Eh?"

Villanelle folded her arms crossly, and responded with a snarl, "In the library, with the lead pipe."

Damn, she had been playing Cluedo. Konstantin shrugged and shook his head. What was he supposed to do with this one, he was trying so hard to stop her from making a mistake but she was like a moth to a flame. Still if they had spent most of the night together alone and only got as steamy as playing Cluedo then maybe the danger might not materialise. He felt the same mix of relief and dread that Villanelle pretty much always caused him to feel, but the dread was much stronger than usual and gripped at his bone marrow. If only she could understand how much she was risking, but to tell her would risk just as much. He could only do what he always done, shout at her and then plead with her, and hope that she somehow managed to not fuck Eve and her entire career with it.

Back at Eve's house the rate of calls was starting to slow down, and Elena was sitting with a well-earned cup of tea and some chocolate digestives. "Sorry, we finished the jaffa cakes last night, well, this morning," said Eve apologetically.

"Wild night huh?" said Elena with a little chuckle.

Eve started to laugh, "yeah, jaffa cakes and Cluedo, she's nailed my kink." They both laughed.

Eve's phone rang again, but this time Elena picked it up and faced it to Eve, "it's Carolyn, do you want to take it?"

Eve exhaled sharply then took the phone from Elena's hand, "Carolyn, good morning," she said buoyantly, though she herself felt as floaty as a brick.

"Eve, yes. Morning. The pictures," said Carolyn in her usual way, although this time instead of seeming to start a sentence halfway through and make you feel like you had missed something, she ended the sentence halfway through leaving Eve to pause for a moment to figure out if she was going to say any more.

Eve couldn't bear to drag the pause out any longer and set about filling the silence, "yes, the pictures, good publicity huh?" she finished light-heartedly. Carolyn said nothing. "Um, don't you think?" asked Eve sheepishly.

The silence continued until Carolyn piped up, "yes, I think it is good publicity. Whets the appetite for the show. Piques the interest. Did you fuck?" she finished matter of factly.

"Wha, what? Did you think we, that we, she, we, uh, that's why she was here?" stuttered Eve in astonishment. "Is that what the press thinks?"

"No, but I was just curious," replied Carolyn, "I don't really see you as the type to be honest Eve. You seem so, straight. No offence, I mean I know someone has to be."

"Well, uh, thank you," said Eve for no apparent reason.

Elena gawped at her, "thanks for what?" she mouthed silently to Eve.

Eve shrugged at Elena, "uh, thank you for trusting me, Carolyn, for trusting my integrity. I'm a married woman," she finished seriously.

"Ha! Well weren't we all," chortled Carolyn, "doesn't stop the dog from going through the cat flap, does it?"

"What the fuck?" mouthed Eve at Elena, who was giving the universal gesture for "fuck knows" in return.

"Eve," Carolyn began curtly, "I don't care where your fingers end up, but some people do. I just wanted to get your side of the story."

"Um, ok?" replied Eve with no idea of how to respond appropriately.

"Good," said Carolyn,"I must go. Everyone around me is having the menopause," and the call promptly ended.

"Everything ok?" asked Elena, triggered by the look of concern on Eve's face.

She shook her head, "no it's fine. Carolyn said the press aren't saying we were fucking."

"So what's bothering you?" queried Elena.

"That she even asked," said Eve, "that the thought had even occurred to her." Elena's eyes swivelled uncomfortably to the floor. "Did you," questioned Eve, "think?" she said with a head nod that filled in the end of the sentence.

Elena looked at her apologetically, "mmm," she responded.

"Oh my g- ," spluttered Eve, feeling like she needed to sit down and then realising that she already was. "Who else thinks this?" she asked Elena.

"Well, um, I can't speak for other people, but you know, probably, mostly, everyone. Who's seen you. Together. Sorry."

Eve was wide eyed, "why did nobody tell me?" she said in a daze.

"It's, you know, I don't think anyone want to accuse you of anything. I didn't," said Elena. "You're married. And straight. -ish. I didn't want to say hey Eve, noticed things get a bit, you know, with you and Villanelle sometimes, are you poking her?"

"Poking her? Oh my god."

Elena slid the cup of tea across to Eve, "here, I think you need this more than me."

She took a swig and thought for a moment. "Why did you think that me and her, you know?" queried Eve.

Elena gave a sigh, looks like she would be the bearer of bad news then. "There's this chemistry thing between you, like when the two of you are together that everyone else is interrupting. And she just looks at you like," Elena tried her best to do one of Villanelle's obsessive stares but looked mostly like she was constipated.

"Oh my god," said Eve. She felt like a scientist who had just been informed that the toxic agent he had been working on in the lab had accidentally been released into the city's water supply. She thought that if she didn't think about what was going on with her and Villanelle then no one else could know. She thought that if she didn't know what was going on then it could all stay safely locked up and wouldn't escape. But it had. And she still didn't even know how she felt about it, about her, about anything.

She realised it could be anywhere now, everyone might know before she even did. "Niko!" she said suddenly, "Niko thinks I fucked her!"

Elena put her hand to her mouth. "Oh god!" she exclaimed.


	19. Welcome To The Karma Hotel

Welcome To The Karma Hotel

Chapter 19

As her taxi pulled into the car park of the hotel Eve could see the crew had already arrived. A hired minibus with a roof rack was parked up, and a bustle of people was unloading various crates and bags from it. She only had a large duffel bag and a small suitcase, most of the gear was being provided for her so she didn't need to bring many of her own things. The taxi driver pulled up outside the reception doors and popped the boot. He made a half-hearted effort to get to the bags before Eve did, but she was there first and politely, but also half-heartedly said, "oh no, it's fine, I can manage." Hefting her bags out of the boot she took a moment to mount the duffel bag strap on her shoulder then walked in through the automatic doors.

A young slender woman of indeterminate, to Eve at least, Eastern European extraction was behind the reception desk and greeted Eve without smiling. "Good afternoon madame, do you have a reservation?"

"Ah, yes, Polastri, Eve Polastri."

The young woman rattled the keyboard of the computer, then went rifling through a box of cards on the desk. She took a sign in card from the box and put it on the other side of the desk. "Please sign here and here, if you have a car please put your registration number here. You are in room 12 which is on the first floor, the stairs are there, and the lift is there. Breakfast is from 6am - 10am in the dining room, if you need anything else call 101 on the phone in your room," she said with almost no gaps between the words. This was just the kind of soulless interaction that Eve really needed after a week on her own; another opportunity to feel anonymous and empty.

"Hey Eve!" said an animated voice behind her, it was Hugo holding a packing case in each hand.

She thought he was an absolute dick, but she was lifted by being in the presence of someone, anyone, who had some life about them. "Hey," she said smiling and trying to fill in the form at the same time, "what time did you guys get here?"

"About half an hour ago. Good journey?"

"Yeah it was pretty seamless," replied Eve.

"Cool!" said Hugo, in recognition of the fact that if you managed to complete a journey of more than one train in the UK without any hitches this genuinely constituted a good journey. "Hey we're having dinner in the hotel at 6.30, we've booked enough seats for all of us. Will you be joining us, or maybe you have other plans?"

Eve laughed, the idea that she might have any plans seemed absurd to her after her week of crushing inertia. "What other plans?" she asked quizzically.

"I don't know," said Hugo shrugging, "maybe you and V fancied something a bit more, intimate?"

"Oh fuck off Hugo!" she said, still smiling, understanding that he was in fact taking the piss. She was glad someone found it funny because Niko certainly didn't. Hugo laughed in delight at managing to wind her up so easily. "Haven't you got a minibus to unload?" she chortled at him. He chuckled and went off.

The automatic doors opened with a shoop sound; Villanelle came gliding in. The reception girl stood up straight, almost as if on parade and the general had just arrived. "Miss Villanelle," she said, "welcome to St. Brides Spa Hotel, we are honoured to have you as our guest."

Villanelle briefly gave an appreciative smile, "do I need to sign anything?" she said lazily.

The receptionist pulled a sign in card out of the box and placed it carefully in front of Villanelle, "if you could just sign here and here," she said, then offered her a pen.

Having just noticed that Eve was already standing there Villanelle said smoothly, "no thank you, I always carry a pen," and smiled debonairly at Eve as she reached into her inside pocket. Eve raised an eyebrow; even though she had spent more time with Villanelle recently she still couldn't get over what a complete buffoon she was. She wondered if Villanelle genuinely thought that she would be impressed by this, but really if she knew Villanelle at all having a pen was actually pretty impressive for her.

"Hello Eve," she purred, "it seems like such a long time."

Eve shuffled a little. It had only been one week, but it was the week that started with their picture being in the press after the Cluedo and jaffa cakes night, with Niko being furious about it and not coming home after his trip to Oxford, and now finishing with a weekend of test filming in Wales. It felt like a month. "It's only been a week," she replied with a sour smirk.

"Feels like sooo much longer," Villanelle said with gleaming eyes.

Something else caught Eve's eye, "where did you get that pen?" she asked inquisitively.

Villanelle gave a little jolt as if she had just been pulled into mundane reality from some magical daydream. She looked at the pen in mild confusion, wondering what was so special about it. "I got it from Konstantin," she said, slightly bewildered. She turned it around in her fingers looking for anything that would explain why it was so important but could only see a cheap printed ballpoint pen, not unlike the hotel branded one she had just declined from the receptionist.

"Cool," said Eve, giving no further explanation about her inquiry.

The receptionist took the signed form from Villanelle and said, "you are in apartment 1, which is on the top floor. A member of staff will be up shortly to provide you with anything you need." Villanelle gave a functional smile and turned back to Eve.

"Will you be joining us for dinner?" asked Eve, "we've got a team table booked in the restaurant at 6.30."

Villanelle pouted for a moment, "you could have dinner with me in my apartment," she replied in a sultry voice.

Eve knew that she could, in theory, have dinner with Villanelle tonight, in her apartment, just the two of them; but in practice she knew that this would unleash a plague of chaotic proportions into her life, like cracking open an ancient seal that was holding down a curse. "I think team bonding is important," Eve said in her best corporate voice, "so I'll be dining with the crew."

Villanelle beamed, seemingly incongruously but she was emboldened by the fact that Eve had clearly been tempted by the offer. "Well, I shall join you at 6.30 then," she said smoothly.

A wolf whistle broke the tension between them. It was Hugo. Kenny stared at him straight mouthed and mortified. "You ladies in the honeymoon suite tonight?" said Hugo impudently.

"Come on!" snapped Kenny, nudging Hugo to keep walking with the packing cases, getting him out of the way before Eve had managed to get another "fuck off Hugo!" out.

"That little prick," said Eve gesturing to where he had just been standing and looking at Villanelle, who was stifling a laugh at how annoyed Eve was.

She straightened her face out before she spoke, "so rude, I know," she said seriously. A young man appeared by their side, holding one average sized, pristine, Louis Vuitton suitcase.

"Eh hem," he coughed, "your bag Miss Villanelle, shall I take it to your apartment now?"

How does an idiot like Villanelle get all her stuff into a suitcase that size Eve wondered, is she some kind of packing savant? Someone must have done it for her, she realised, and felt better knowing that she could still feel superior to Villanelle. Did Mummy pack your suitcase for you? she said mockingly in her own mind.

"Yes, if you would," Villanelle said graciously to the young man. She turned her attention back to Eve. "6.30 then," she smouldered, "don't be late."

"Totally," replied Eve plainly, and to her own confusion. She wondered if she was turning into Carolyn. She was beyond caring though.


	20. It's Ok I Haven't Killed Kenny

It’s Ok I Haven’t Killed Kenny

Chapter 20

The lift doors parted and Eve scurried out, shuffling as quickly as she dared in public towards the dining room. She was running late and didn't want to be rude, but as she entered the hotel dining room at exactly 6.30 she was greeted by the sight of only Kenny sitting at the long table booked for them. She huffed an I shoulda guessed sigh and broke into her normal walking speed.

Kenny gave her a nod as she got to the table but didn't speak. This wasn't an unusual thing for Kenny to do, he was the kind that generally didn't speak unless prompted to do so. He was a very sweet person though. Quite how Eve knew that she wouldn't be able to tell you, but she always felt like he was.

"Hey, see everyone's on time then," said Eve light heartedly. Kenny nodded. Oh yes, Eve remembered to herself, I need to do all the talking. She took the seat opposite him and popped her phone down on the table, face up, so she could see at all times that Niko hadn't contacted her. "So, how's things?" she said.

"Good," said Kenny. They sat silently for a few moments. "You?" said Kenny. Pause. "Uh, I mean apart from the press stuff," he added.

Eve sighed, "yeah it's not been a great week. Still, life goes on," she finished with forced optimism.

Kenny nodded, life does indeed go on, regardless of how shit it is. He wondered if he should say something about it, but he wasn't sure. Not being a great talker meant that he thought twice as hard about things like this, and the more you think the less likely you are to act, so he rarely ever said anything unless it was really really important.

Eve saw that he was debating with himself about speaking and wondered if he knew something about what was going on, something that she didn't know. She suddenly remembered that before the shit hit the fan she was in the middle of trying to find out what she had in common with Anna Leonova. Kenny was acting like a man who knew something and just needed to be asked the right question to give the answer, like Rumpelstiltskin or something. Oh no wait, that wasn't it, he needed the right answer to his question. Anyway, she realised that she needed to ask Kenny some questions.

"Say Kenny, this is a bit off piste, but do you happen to know anything about Anna Leonova? I've been trying to find out something about her and I just can't get anything," Eve said. Kenny clenched his jaw. He does know something, bingo, thought Eve.

"She's a Russian actress. Hasn't made anything for a few years," he replied tersely.

"Well," she chuckled, "you're the first person I've met who knows anything about her. Except Villanelle," Eve said. His eyes gave a little signal, she didn't know if it was a gleam or a flinch, but he seemed to be trying to send her a sign. He does know something. She wanted to cut to the chase and ask why her name and Anna's would be mentioned together twice, but she knew that she would be better casting the net a bit wider to start with. "Do you know anything about The Twelve?" she asked.

He inhaled sharply and tensed his whole body, "why do you ask?" he said through clenched teeth.

"Well, I keep hearing it, and Villanelle had a pen with XII on it, and I'm just wondering what it's all about," she replied, not giving any hint that she was suspicious.

He glanced quickly around the room before moving closer towards Eve, "I can't tell you; you need to look it up, Twelve Collective, twelve in Roman numerals. Like the pen."

Eve sat open mouthed for a moment, just trying to work out what all the implications of this could be but realising that she didn't yet know. "I've tried looking things up already," she said, "I Binged Anna Leonova and I got nothing."

Kenny stared at her incredulously before speaking. "Use Google," he said, "not Bing."

"Oh," said Eve in surprise, "OK." She was just about to say some more when she saw that Kenny's eyes were looking above her head, indicating that someone had arrived. This conversation was over.

Villanelle appeared at Eve's shoulder. Eve looked up, "I thought you said don't be late," she said to her pithily.

Villanelle smiled, "yes, thank you for not being late. I wanted you to see me make an entrance."

"Well I didn't, sorry," she replied unapologetically.

Villanelle just smiled, the night was young and Eve was flirting already, in her mind anyway. The rest of the team arrived pretty much at the same time and there was a great shuffling of chairs and people for a few moments as they took their places. There were all kind of strange vibes going on at the table so Jess, as the only one who had any responsibility to deal with any of it, decided to change everyone's subject with a team briefing. "So," she said loudly to grab everyone's attention, "here's a run down of the itinerary. We leave tomorrow morning 6am sharp for St. Davids where we'll pick up the canoe and the crew boat. Martin will get the gear sorted while we get the filming equipment ready. We want to be on the water and test filming by 8. The focus for the crew is working out the equipment we need, lighting, sound, etc, none of the footage is for the final edit. Eve and Villanelle, your focus is on upskilling for the final shoot so you'll be practicing a route on the sea with an overnight camp just like you'll be doing for filming week. Any questions?" finished Jess.

Everyone turned to look at Villanelle, who hadn't been listening. "What?" she said, puzzled.

"No? Good," said Jess, quickly slamming the door shut on any possible questions.

Hugo smirked, "actually, I have a question."

Jess glowered at him, "a proper question?" she asked dryly.

It wasn't a proper question. He was going to say something rude about Eve and Villanelle, but the weight of Jess's disapproval made him change his mind, "uh, I just wondered when we get breakfast if we leave at 6?"

"There will be filled rolls, we'll take them with us in the bus," answered Jess.

Villanelle looked confused. "Filled with what?" she asked.

"Fuck me," exhaled Eve, louder than she had expected.

Jess glanced at Eve for a moment then looked at Villanelle, "with breakfast items."

Villanelle looked even more confused, "what, like croissants? Bread rolls with croissants in them? Or Cocoa Pops?" she said scrunching her face up in horror.

Jess maintained a perfect composure, "breakfast items like eggs, sausages, or bacon."

"Oh," said Villanelle, "well that makes more sense."

I wish you made more fucking sense, Eve thought to herself, simultaneously experiencing the specific kind of irritation that only Villanelle can create and wondering what she might find out about XII Collective. That was going to have to wait though; she had a weekend of water, tents, and Villanelle to get through first. Her focus mostly had to be on still being alive by the end of it.


	21. If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put A Zip On It

If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put A Zip On It

Chapter 21

The minibus seemed to find every pothole in the road and Eve wearily swayed from side to side each time it happened; she didn't have enough energy to resist. Villanelle was peering at her, like a cat investigating a mirror, but Eve couldn't see this. Her eyes were closed, and she was vacillating between being lightly asleep and being lightly awake. She had been awake until midnight. Despite planning to get plenty of sleep Villanelle had convinced everyone to play Cluedo. Eve realised that not letting her win last week was a terrible mistake.

After much swaying and bouncing the minibus arrived at the outdoor centre in St. Davids that they were hiring the canoe and other gear from. Jess and Martin leapt into action, diving out of the bus doors pretty much as soon as the bus stopped moving.

Elena gave Eve a gentle jab in the arm, "come on, we're here." She roused with a jolt, and took off her seat belt while still not fully comprehending what was going on. She stumbled out of the minibus on automatic, Elena next, and then Villanelle following behind them like a grass snake. They got to where Jess and Martin were standing, who were in conversation with a person they assumed was the owner of the centre.

Jess turned to them, "OK guys, you go with Martin. Elena, the minibus will leave in half an hour to take us to the crew boat so don't be long."

Elena nodded, she was only there to help Eve, and ostensibly Villanelle, to get themselves sorted out with the kit they needed. She would spend the rest of the shoot on the crew boat. Why little Eve Polastri had a PA with her and an A-list celebrity like Villanelle didn't should have caused some confusion, but anyone who had met Villanelle before already knew that there was little rhyme or reason to anything she done. Martin ushered them to follow him into the building.

A little while later Elena re-emerged and opened the door of the minibus. Jess looked up from her laptop, "OK?"

"Yeah, they've just got into the dry suits, I think they'll be out in about 10 minutes," Elena replied before taking her seat again and clipping in her seatbelt. Jess gave Diego the bus driver a tap on the shoulder and he started the engine. With just the briefest glance in the mirrors, he sped off.

Meanwhile Eve and Villanelle came out of the changing room to meet Martin. "So," he said cheerfully, "got the suits on ok?"

Eve nodded, "yeah I think so."

She turned to Villanelle. "Martin," Villanelle began politely, "how do you take a comfort break in this?"

Eve rolled her eyes and drawled, "don't you see that zip going round your ass?"

Martin coughed, "uh yes, your suits have what's called a drop seat in them."

Villanelle looked puzzled, "why doesn't your suit have a zip round the ass?" she said pointing at Martin.

"Because he has a dick!" snapped Eve, "look he has a dick zip," she said prodding at the horizontal zip on the front of Martin's suit.

"Ugh!" he exclaimed as Eve got dangerous close to jabbing him in the nuts. He composed himself quickly, "it's called a relief zipper on a man's suit."

Villanelle pondered for a moment, "so," she quizzed intently, "you cannot take a shit?"

"Villanelle!" barked Eve, "will you stop? You don't need to know if he can take a dump in his dry suit."

"I just wanted to know!" she whined back childishly. "How will I know if I don't ask?" she said in her best rational sounding voice.

Eve just shook her head at her, internally saying fucking idiot, but also grateful that she was such a fucking idiot. If Villanelle had any kind of charm Eve feared that she would have sweet talked her into bed by now, Villanelle's stupidity had so far been Eve's saving grace.

"Uh, let’s get the canoe," said Martin, hoping that this would stop whatever kind of strange bun fight the two were getting into right now.

"Yes," said Eve sternly, "lets." Villanelle pulled a face at Eve's back as she walked off with Martin, but really she was delighted. This weekend will be so much fun.

After a bit of debate the two finally got themselves both into their canoe and waited patiently for Martin to get into his canoe. He would be giving instruction from the water and also navigating them to the camp. He had been given a two-way radio to keep in contact with the crew boat. "Martin to Jess, over," he said into the radio. It gave a crackle and a response came back quickly, "Jess here, over."

"We're in the water, just waiting for you now, over."

"OK we're leaving the dock now, we'll be with you in 5 minutes, over."

"Message received, over and out," replied Martin. Somehow in the one minute that he had been focussed on the conversation with Jess in the crew boat, something had happened that had caused Eve to be currently smacking Villanelle across the head with her paddle. "Oi! What's going on?" he roared in the very opposite of a trainer voice. The sudden and uncharacteristically loud outburst from Martin stopped the two bickering immediately. He didn't like being angry really, it was a bit too stimulating, so Martin took a moment to count to ten before speaking again. Calmly, he said with a serious tone, "you need to keep your arguments for dry land. This kind of nonsense can end up with you both in the water, and don't think that you will just get rescued. You could both end up dead."

Eve and Villanelle received their lecture like guilty schoolgirls, sitting impassively until he stopped talking. "Sorry," both mumbled meekly. The sound of a distant engine brought some relief, and the sight of the crew boat meant that the day could get started. Hopefully there would be no more time for arguments, until they reached the camp anyway.

The crew boat drew level with them and its engine shut off with a watery sputter. Kenny already had his camera operating and was filming the pair of canoes. Hugo had the boom mic in his hand, but he wasn't moving it into position yet. Martin's radio crackled into life, "Jess to Martin, over."

"Martin here, over."

"Martin we're going to do some sound tests with the boom mic. Can you all get up close to the crew boat and go through your instructions for the day so we can hear how it sounds? Over."

"Ok, over." Martin turned to the two, "right, let's get up to the crew boat," and with that they paddled the short distance over to the larger vessel. At least they can get this far, thought almost everyone.

Jess looked at Hugo, who swung the mic out carefully, then gave a thumbs up. "Action," she said.

"Ok, so our route today is going to take us along the coast to Porthlysgi Bay where we'll set up camp for the night. Try and keep yourself level with me and no more than two boat lengths away. If we are too far apart stop and let me catch up to you. If I end up in front of you stop and I'll come back. Is that clear?"

Eve and Villanelle were still stinging from their earlier chiding, "yes," they both uttered sheepishly.

"Cut," said Jess. "How was that?" she asked Hugo.

"Pretty watery, actually," he replied glumly.

"Do we need a different mic?" asked Jess. Hugo nodded, "I think we're gonna need them with the wireless ones."

"How long will that take to sort out?" queried Jess. Hugo made a sucking noise through his teeth like he had just been asked how much it was going to cost to replace the broken part in the boiler, "well, maybe take me about an hour to get them set up and waterproofed. Then we need to get them on the perps."

Jess glared at him, "perps?"

"Uh, peeps, I meant, our paddling peeps," he said smiling uncomfortably at the two little boats.

She sighed, they're all as fucking weird as each other, "Ok you get to work on that, I'll tell them to go on without sound and Kenny can work on his shots in the meantime." Hugo nodded and disappeared into the cabin of the boat. Jess lifted the radio to her face, "Jess to Martin, over."

"Yeah? Over."

"You get on with the paddling, we'll be doing camera tests for now, we'll rig you all up with microphones in about an hour to do more sound checks. Over."

"Ok, will do, over and out." And with that he swivelled his kayak around to face Eve and Villanelle, "alright guys, let's go!"


	22. In There? Seriously?

In There? Seriously?

Chapter 22

As they rounded the small island the uninviting looking bay came into view. It was less a remote idyll and more a stone toilet basin. Eve's heart sunk a little at the sight, but after 4 hours in the boat she was grateful that she would soon be back on land. The crew boat had gone on slightly ahead of them and was anchored already. The small rigid inflatable that the crew boat had been towing now had Kenny, Hugo, Jess, and Elena on it and was ploughing laboriously through the waves driven by its tiny outboard motor towards the murky beach. The little boat was doubly laden; not just with people but with gear, inordinate amounts of boxes and bags of god knows what. Ever the good sport, Elena was happily mucking in with helping the filming crew although she didn't have to; to be honest keeping busy was better than worrying about how badly wrong this was all going to go. As the little boat landed Kenny and Hugo jumped out into the water, and taking a rope they dragged the boat until its keel caught on the sand and would move no further. Jess and Elena slipped over the round sides of the boat and onto land, then the boat was then dragged further up the beach. The four then set about unloading the mound of cargo into a big pile on the beach.

Eve and Villanelle could see all of this happening as they ever so gradually got closer to the beach. It seemed like an age, but then suddenly the beach was right there under their boat. Like birds that have been at sea all winter and have forgotten how to walk when they come to land to build their nests, Eve exited the boat with an ungainly stumble, staggering a few metres on the wet sand. Villanelle was graceful as ever and left the boat with the poise of a gymnast. Martin waved an arm, "come on, let's get these boats out of the tide line," and picking up his own kayak he walked up the beach to the rocks at the back of the bay. Eve and Villanelle looked at each other with a nod and taking one end of the boat each, they followed him.

Meanwhile Elena had been shuttling some of the camping equipment from the beach up to the rocks where the tents were to be pitched. "Yeah about there is fine," said Martin to Elena, "the tents will go somewhere about there," he said to her, pointing. He stopped walking and put his kayak down. "Here," he said to Eve and Villanelle. The two trudged up to where he was and carefully put their boat down.

Elena suddenly remembered something and dug into the pile of equipment. Eve let out a tired huff and perched herself on a rock. She sat motionless for a few moments just staring at the sea, not thinking about anything. Villanelle watched her, trying but failing figure out what Eve was experiencing right now. Martin was now also at the pile of equipment, turning things over like a bird looking under rocks for food, until he grabbed a small package about the size of a Christmas chocolate log.

"Here's your tent guys," he said cheerfully, "I'll help you pitch it but obviously you'll need to learn how to do it yourself for the final shoot."

Eve blinked; she was utterly perplexed. This tiny little bag had a tent in it? She hadn't been camping since 1987; the bag Martin was holding was the size of the bag the pegs went in the last time she had pitched a tent. "That's a tent?" she asked cynically.

Martin laughed, "ah yeah, changed a lot since we were kids eh? They're even waterproof nowadays."

"Oh wow," said Eve, genuinely impressed. Villanelle listened on with one eyebrow raised; she couldn't imagine a world where people would have a tent that wasn't waterproof, it seemed as pointless as having a boat that didn't float to her.

As Martin slid the contents out of the little bag onto the ground Eve could recognise nothing as a tent; it looked more like a freshly birthed spider wrapped in a tarpaulin. With a few flicks of the wrist the spider turned into a long bendy pole, and the tarp shaken out looked like a body bag.

Still doesn't look like a tent, thought Eve. Martin lifted up a seam of the body bag, slid the pole into it, then with some kind of magic bending and twisting suddenly a tent shaped object sprung up. "Oh!" Eve exclaimed, "I see! Say where's the other tent then?" she asked in all seriousness.

Martin looked at the newly sprung tent then back at Eve, "this is your tent. It's a two-man tent."

Dread poured itself over Eve like tepid tar. "You mean we both go in there? Together? At the same time?" she asked incredulously.

Villanelle was thrilled, there was no way that tent was big enough for two men who weren't married to each other. But she understood the social convention would be to not show it, so she put a serious air on, "yeah, it's a two man tent, you can get two men in there, we are two women so there is plenty of space."

Eve shot her a stinging look, "two men? Which two men? Mickey Rooney? Danny De Vito? That's not a tent, It's a fucking wendy house!"

"Who?" replied Villanelle.

"Uh, they're actors, short actors," said Martin, obtrusively. Both Eve and Villanelle gave him a withering "stay out of this" look. He decided to take their advice and scuttled off.

"No, who is Wendy?" said Villanelle.

"Oh, fucking forget about Wendy will you?" said Eve in exasperation. "She can get her own fucking tent," she sighed as she finally allowed the reality of this being their tent to sink in.

Elena appeared suddenly holding two steaming mugs, "here," she said comfortingly, "hot drink will sort you out," and pressed a mug into Eve and Villanelle's hand. Eve gave a weary but so grateful smile, Elena was more than a PA at times, sometimes she was an angel, she thought deliriously.

Villanelle took a swig then peered hard into the mug, "this tea is really bad, it tastes like meat."

"It's Bovril," said Elena.

"It's definitely bovine. Do you use meat teabags or something?" asked Villanelle in bewilderment.

"No it comes as a paste, in a jar, it's supposed to taste like beef, it's a beef drink," explained Elena.

"Wow, a beef drink," said Villanelle in astonishment, "of all the countries in the world that I thought I might find a beef drink this was the last place I would have expected."

Eve was in a daze, the sound of Elena and Villanelle's conversation registered no more than the twittering of birds in a distant tree. She was going to have to spend the night zipped into a body bag with Villanelle. She could hardly get through an hour in a room with her never mind lying like a Twix in its wrapper with her. And then there were all those feelings, the ones that she was so keen to never know. What if they were to reveal themselves and she couldn't pretend that she hadn't noticed any more? Oh my god, what if she tried something? Like she started touching her or, uhhhhhhhh. Eve's brain decided that the safest thing to do was to turn to mush, and switch off all thinking systems until it was safe to reengage. Fortunately the body maintains automatic systems so Eve continued breathing. She swung the mug up to her mouth and took a swig. "Jesus," she blurted, "what the fuck is up with this tea?"


	23. The Good Life

The Good Life

Chapter 23

Sitting at the campfire Eve gazed jealously at the crew tent. It was positively, and literally, palatial compared to her cocoon. The crew even had bedrooms, and could stand up in theirs. The highest she could get in her tent was on her elbows. You never think that there could be a time when the thing you want most in the world is to be able to sit up but if that is the case then you have never spent the night in a tiny tent. She looked at the tiny kettle that was resting on a flat rock nestled in the fire; little wisps of steam rose from its spout but it wasn't boiling yet. She looked at the silver pouches of powdered food that somehow would transmutate into food with the addition of boiling water. She remained to be convinced. Villanelle meanwhile was, actually where was she? Eve suddenly realised she hadn't seen her for at least an hour. The tiny bay was just rocks and sand, there was nowhere that she could be, was there? Just as suddenly she was gripped with a hot wave of anger, she better not be in the crew tent eating real food and sitting on chairs! Now fuming, she no longer needed the campfire for warmth.

Villanelle appeared, as if from nowhere. "Where have you been?" snapped Eve.

Taken by surprise by the intensity of her tone, Villanelle instinctively put her hands up and leaned back a little. "I was just up there," she said, pointing to the top of the green bank that surrounded the beach, "there is a path, I just went for a walk."

Eve was momentarily confounded by her answer; going for a walk seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do, so why Villanelle would do it was a puzzle.

Villanelle came and sat at the fire, not particularly close to Eve but close enough that it felt to both that she had entered the other woman's space. She looked at Eve with a sincere face, "I thought you might like some time on your own," she said meekly.

Now Eve really was confused. Two perfectly normal human behaviours from Villanelle in the space of one hour, this was highly unusual. Much as she wanted to warm to the girl, Villanelle's considerate actions only made her more suspicious. Actually she didn't want to warm to the girl, that was part of the problem. Much as she _was_ warming to the girl, she knew that she couldn't be trusted; she needed to remember to keep her guard up.

The little kettle gave a weedy little "whhhuupp" of a whistle, like a dying moan, but quickly the head of steam built and it was whistling loud and strong. "Dinner time," said Eve sarcastically. She lifted the little kettle carefully out of the fire and poured the boiling water into the open pouches of food substitute that they call travel meals. She intoned a silent prayer to the gods of alchemy that this dust might become partially edible. After waiting a couple of minutes Eve steeled herself to look into one of the pouches. She took a spork and began prodding at the gloopy contents. "It's definitely dead," she said with a shrug. Villanelle was less wary, she grabbed her pouch, gave it a quick stir, then shovelled the warm paste into her mouth.

"You can eat this shit?" said Eve, both surprised and impressed, "I'd have thought you were more used to haute cuisine."

"Yeah," said Villanelle thoughtfully, "but I ate Russian food until I was 17, it's got to be bad for me to not eat it."

Well if this rich bitch can stomach it then so can I thought Eve, and she began to gingerly spoon the savoury food preparation into her mouth. She had no recollection of being a baby but was sure that even as a baby she would have hated this slop.

Jess looked over at the pair from the comfort of the crew tent, they appeared to be getting on alright so she felt comfortable switching her attention to the team for a while.

"Wine?" asked Hugo.

"Yeah," said Jess, taking a seat.

"Paella will be ready in about 10," said Kenny examining the broad pan.

"Excellent," said Jess. She took a sip from the wine glass, let the flavours develop in her mouth, then let out a sigh as she relaxed into her chair. She dragged a packing case over and propped her feet on it. "So," she began, "debrief. Any issues Kenny?"

Kenny turned round from the pan and thought for a moment. "I think we need to get in the inflatable tomorrow and check the shots from there, but other than that I think its ok."

"Good," she nodded. "Hugo? Did the wireless mics do the job?"

"Myeh," he pondered, "I think we're halfway there. I need to try another way to waterproof them, it was still getting a bit wet and it would be worse if it was raining."

"Ok, have you got other ways of doing that?" asked Jess.

"Yeah, I've got a few more things up my sleeve before I need to ask for advice," Hugo reassured her. 

Martin was lounging contentedly like a man in a harem, totally unaccustomed as he was to this level of camping luxury.

"Martin?" said Jess. He sat up somewhat startled. "Do you have any technical issues from today?" she continued.

He thought briefly, "no, everything is as expected so far. No issues." He paused, "any more wine?" he asked hopefully.

"Yeah mate," said Hugo, "that case there is full of them. Help yourself."

"Ooo," he replied, "don't mind if I do."

Jess gave a nod, "good, so we've got a couple of things to test tomorrow and I can report back to Carolyn when we get back." Kenny shuffled a little. Jess understood this to mean that he might have something to say. "Kenny?" she asked, "anything else?"

He shuffled a bit more before he spoke, "I think we need another person. If Elena hadn't have been here we might have struggled. I think this team is too small for the job that were doing." He dropped his gaze to the floor, seemingly having expended all of his courage in one go.

Jess nodded as she thought about it, "yeah," she said after a pause, "I'd have a full crew and gopher if it was up to me but Carolyn wants it really lean. I don't know if it's cost or if it's an atmosphere thing but she wants the smallest amount of people we can get away with. But I think we can prove that we need one more, thanks to Elena," she said turning and raising her wine glass to her.

Elena blushed, "it was nothing," she said bashfully.

"Don't be so modest," said Hugo enthusiastically, "you've done a great job. Were you a roadie or something?" he said comically.

Elena blurted out a shy laugh, "no!"

The pit pat of raindrops started to sound on the tent roof, building pace slowly but steadily. Jess saw out of the tent window Eve and Villanelle sliding into their tiny tent, like Christmas trees getting stuffed into those net things. She smirked unsympathetically, and stretched her propped legs a little as she enjoyed the comfort of their camping villa. Schadenfreude was the word that sprung into her mind. Useful word, she thought.


	24. Snug As A Bug

Snug as a Bug

Chapter 24

The rain had driven them into the tiny tent, but what they were supposed to do now was unclear. There was literally nothing that you could do except lie down. No one ever really appreciates how little can be done in a tiny tent until they try it; all you can really do is lie down. Eve had packed her Kindle, but she realised that getting it from her bag would require an inordinate amount of wriggling, wiggling, and making bodily contact with Villanelle. She wasn't sure at what point she could ever be so bored as to actually think it was worth it. Conversation also felt like a dangerous option. Things happen when you talk. Strange things. She would rather go into a dark wood to visit her grandmother's cabin than get into a conversation right now. Shit. This was going to be a long night. And it wasn't even nighttime yet. Shit. She willed the rain to stop but so far it kept drilling relentlessly, and showing no signs of stopping soon.

Villanelle, somewhat unfairly, was taking up more of the tent than Eve; their height difference now translating into several more square feet of volume. Her long legs were touching the ends of the tent, and her long arms seemed to be constantly wherever Eve wanted to be. The Russian seemed to be perfectly content though, resting peacefully on her sleeping bag with her hands tucked under the back of her neck. This meant Eve had to slide down the tent to avoid having her elbows in her face. Between Villanelle's elbows over her head, and her feet taking up the bottom of the tent, Eve felt like she needed to compress herself slightly to fit into the available space. She felt a strong sympathy for all currently unborn twins, the little one especially.

"Ah!" sighed Villanelle, "isn't this nice?" she said, apparently meaning it.

"Are you fucking kidding?" said Eve dryly, "we're lying on rocks in a tent the size of a coat. We'd have more space if they'd just wrapped us together in cling film."

Villanelle gave a little laugh. "Eve, you are funny."

"Funny how?" she replied, steeling herself to not launch into the Goodfellas routine.

"You make me laugh," said Villanelle warmly, "and that's nice. I don't meet women who make me laugh," she finished mournfully. 

"I think you mostly laugh at me," retorted Eve. You get me in these fucked up situations and then you laugh at my misfortune, she thought.

"I laugh at everyone, don't take it personally," Villanelle said plainly. "You Eve," she said, "you make me laugh, you say funny things, I don't even have to laugh at you because you are funny."

Eve smiled a little but didn't give in to it completely, "yeah, you gotta laugh," she said, wriggling to keep her space. Talking made Villanelle's arms move ever so slightly, causing Eve to have to make even more effort to avoid them.

Somehow in the midst of her discomfort Eve's brain had what it thought was a good idea. "Did Anna make you laugh?" she asked curiously. Villanelle didn't speak at first. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," said Eve in her best therapist tone.

"No," she said, "I don't mind." She thought for a minute, clearly going through her old memories. "No," she finally said, "no she wasn't funny like you. She was clever, and she was kind. But she didn't make jokes. And she didn't say fuck all the time."

Single female, Russian, 27, would like to meet middle-aged fading career woman who tells jokes and says fuck all the time. It seemed an unlikely lonely-hearts advert to Eve; there must be more to it than that. She must be up to something. Fuck everyone seems to be up to something thought Eve, remembering Kenny's ashen face when she asked about The Twelve. "How old was Anna?" asked Eve, suddenly realising that she knew nothing about this woman.

"I can't remember exactly," said Villanelle, "but I think she must be your age by now."

"Shit, shit, shit, why did I ask that?" thought Eve in a panic. "Deflect, deflect," she thought. "You've had other girlfriends, and boyfriends since then though haven't you?" said Eve, relieved that she had thought of something to steer the conversation in another direction. "Yes," said Villanelle, "but nothing has been the same."

"Ah well, first love you know," said Eve, sounding more cheesy than philosophical.

Villanelle furrowed her brow, "what about first love? People say that but they don't say what they mean."

Her naivety caught Eve by surprise, "Oh wow, you don't know? Ok, well, because it's the first time it feels really special, and amazing. Like in a fairy tale. Everything is perfect. And you think it will always be that way. So you give yourself to it completely; you don't have any bad thoughts about the other person, or that they might be lying to you, or they might hurt you. And you just float along in this little love bubble until someone bursts it. And then you realise that it can't ever be that way because it never was; it was all just a fantasy. All the other ones after that are ordinary by comparison."

Villanelle thought for a moment, "is Niko your first love?"

"Oh god no," laughed Eve, "I had plenty of boyfriends before him."

"So why did you marry him, and not another boyfriend?" asked Villanelle seriously.

Suddenly Eve was stumped, why did she marry Niko? At the time it made perfect sense, but now she didn't know. "I," she said with a pause, "I think I needed someone like him at the time. Someone stable, dependable. A bit boring. I was all over the place doing tv work and he was so different to the men who work in the media. I needed someone I could rely on. Someone who wouldn't end up on the front page of the paper after blowing £5000 on hookers and cocaine while I was on a boat off the Channel Islands filming some god-awful local history documentary about pastries."

"Love isn't important? You didn't marry him because you love him?" asked Villanelle probingly.

"Oh yeah, of course love is important, I loved him. But love isn't enough. Not to make a life together. You've gotta be compatible, complimentary. You've gotta be a team," said Eve, "coz the passion can't last," she said with a wry chuckle.

"Why not?" said Villanelle, genuinely.

God she's so naive, though Eve, feeling a little sorry for her. Eve wrinkled her brow, "I think it's biological. Your hormones change. You meet someone and in the beginning there's just tons of hormones and you wanna fuck all the time, but then the hormones stop."

"So why do you stay with them?"

Eve smiled, "because when the hormones stop you get your brain back, and then you can really learn to love them." Her face drooped into a frown. Niko. He hadn't spoken to her for over a week. She didn't even know where he was. The passion was gone, but was the love she wondered. Was his love gone? Was hers?

Villanelle turned round and propped herself on an elbow facing Eve, whose head was actually about a foot lower down than hers. Eve daren't move and stayed stock still on her back as Villanelle talked to the top of her head, "that's interesting. Because I always thought I just got bored. It wasn't fun anymore so I got rid of them."

Her words hit Eve with a pang of guilt; Niko wasn't fun anymore, and she had thought about getting rid of him. "Yeah," said Eve, "but sometimes when the passion wears off you find out that they are just boring."


	25. I Haven't Got A Cluedo

I Haven’t Got a Cluedo

Chapter 25

Eve was exhausted. She did sleep, but it was the endlessly interrupted sleep of a woman who didn't want to touch Villanelle. Even by accident. And the bed of rocks really didn't help. She felt like she woke every five minutes, either because she thought she was touching her, or just to check that she wasn't. They weren't really touching; a judge in a divorce case would be dismissive of the glancing contacts between knees and shins, but it was too close for Eve.

They packed up camp and were on the water again by 7am, and back in St. Davids by 1pm. The potholed road swung and jostled a weary Eve again on the return journey. As the minibus pulled up into the hotel car park all Eve wanted was sleep, but instead she got Carolyn.

She dragged her sorry carcass from the minibus through the swishy automatic doors to be met by Carolyn, standing almost to attention in the middle of the hotel lobby. "Ugh!" she exclaimed, startled by the unexpectedness and downright weirdness of Carolyn's presence.

"Hello Eve," said Carolyn, "good trip?"

"Uh, yeah, went ok," said Eve uncertainly.

"You two seem to be getting on like a house on fire, good work," said Carolyn briskly.

"Wha, what do you mean?" squinted Eve through her tired and confused eyes, "I didn't kill her. Does that count as a house on fire?"

Carolyn brought her hand up in front of her sharply to show that she had been holding a newspaper the whole time. It was folded over so that the page with a photo of Eve and Villanelle playing Cluedo in front of the hotel fireplace was topmost. The rest of the crew had been carefully cropped out, just a cosy fireside game of Cluedo for two.

"Ah fuck!" Eve groaned.

Villanelle had just walked through the hotel doors and came to a stunned halt when she saw the photo. She looked at the page wide eyed, then at Carolyn. "Konstantin will kill me," she said grimly.

Carolyn looked at Villanelle with no expression, then said in her usual curt fashion, "don't worry, I'll sort him out."

Eve huffed, "yeah can you sort my husband out at the same time?"

"Do you want him dead?" said Carolyn seriously.

"What? No! Can you do that?" Eve ended curiously.

"If I have to," she replied matter of factly.

"Uh, no, I don't want him dead," said Eve, feeling it might be important to clarify this.

"Good, terrible business. So messy," she said like she was talking about making a pizza. She stood looking at the two for nearly a minute, then said, "keep up the good work." She turned away from them sharply and went out into the car park where the minibus was being unloaded.

If they had turned to look they would have seen Carolyn deep in conversation with Jess, like actually talking to her in sentences and not just making strange and incongruous statements the way she always seemed to do when she spoke to them. At one point Carolyn seemed to be standing firm on something, and Jess was pleading a case with her. Finally, it seemed that Carolyn relented with an "Ok, fine."

No, instead the two stood dazed and confused in the middle of the hotel lobby both considering their fates. A furious man awaited both of them, well Villanelle certainly, where Niko would be Eve still didn't know but he was almost certainly furious. Elena came scurrying up to them, "did you see the paper then?" she asked Eve.

"Yeah," moaned Eve, "Carolyn just showed me it."

"You better give me your phone," said Elena. Eve fumbled around her pockets until she finally found the damn thing, then handed it over to Elena. "Don't worry, I'll sort this out," said Elena reassuringly.

Eve gave a grateful smile, "can you sort Niko out?" she said hopefully.

"Do you want him dead?" asked Elena.

"Why does everyone keep...? Uh no, I don't, but thanks for offering," she said with a little chuckle. "I can think of someone else I'd kill first," she said in a hushed voice, glancing sideways towards Villanelle.

Elena laughed, "yeah I don't think you're the only one," she replied quietly. "Uh, Villanelle," said Elena, uncomfortably, "Konstantin sent me a message." Villanelle looked concerned but tried to sound like she wasn't, "yeah?" she said nonchalantly.

"He asked me to tell you to call him when you got back to the hotel."

Villanelle nodded, "yeah, I don't think I'm going to be doing that," she drawled then turned away and off to the lift.

Eve and Elena watched her until the lift doors closed, then turned back to face each other. Eve sighed, "Elena, what am I going to do? This is all fucked up."

Elena took one of Eve's hands and squeezed it, "it's just press, you've been through it before. I mean look at all the shitty coverage you got the last time because of Villanelle, you'll be ok. You just hang tight, like you always do, until they go after someone else."

Eve knew Elena was trying her best, but this was different. "It's Niko," said Eve sadly, "last time it was just me getting pilloried but this time it's Niko. I don't care if the press thinks I'm fucking her, but Niko does. I'm worried he's going to leave me."

Elena gave that unreassuring look that was both trying to console and indicate she might be right to worry about Niko leaving her at the same time. Elena stepped a little closer to Eve, "there's nothing going on, is there?" she asked quietly.

"No," Eve whispered, "nothing. Like literally nothing. We aren't even in the stadium car park, never mind first base. Look, I spent all night in a body bag with her and there wasn't even a cursory handshake."

Elena looked at her with more certainty this time, "then there's nothing to worry about then is there? The press will die down and Niko will see that nothing happened, and everything," she said tilting her head to be on Eve's eyeline, "will be fine."


	26. Bing When You're Winning

Bing When You’re Winning

Chapter 26

Eve opened Bing, as she always did. Sure, Kenny told her to use Google but how different could it be? She typed XII Collective in and hit search. Nothing. Shit, she hated it when people were right. She navigated to Google and typed in the same. "Here goes," she said to herself before she hit search. The results loaded in. She didn't know where to start at first; the results didn't seem to make any sense to her. The page descriptions seemed to be written entirely written in the opaque language of academia. She had a degree, but it wasn't in any of these fields, none of these terms were familiar to her.

She wasn't sure, but it seemed to be something to do with the arts. Did she know anyone that might understand this? No one sprung to mind. She scrolled through the results, clicking on some but they may as well have been written in Russian for all she could understand of it. She soldiered on for a while but felt she was hitting a brick wall. The only thing she could glean was something to do with performance art; but Eve knew nothing about that. It was just weird shit right? What connected Villanelle with weird shit? Eve laughed, well she is weird, but she sure ain't arty.

She was just about to give herself a break from the fruitless search when she remembered what Niko had said about image searches. She peered at the top of the screen and found Google also had an image search. She clicked on it and the pictures loaded in. Weird looking shit. Well that's about right then, she thought. She scrolled long through the images until one caught her eye. All lit in blue there was a face she recognised.

"Bill," she said out loud, "I thought he was dead." She clicked on the picture for more information. It was from a film, made ten years ago. Eve had never heard of it, but she had been friends with Bill at the time. How did she not know it she wondered? She scanned around to find the name of the film; it seemed to be called Der Nachtklub. Was it in another language? Bill was English, so she was confused by this idea, it's unusual for an English-speaking actor to make a foreign language film. It wasn't like Bill to make weird arthouse films either, he was a character actor. Eve always thought he'd make a great Poirot eventually; but he just seemed to disappear almost overnight. Now she realised it was round about the time this film was made.

She typed Der Nachtklub in but returned a glut of pictures of German nightclubs. She added to the search Bill Pargrave. The screen filled with more of those blue lit photos. This is what I'm looking for she thought. Her focus was so fixed on the screen that she didn't hear the front door open and close. Suddenly she saw familiar features in front of her, those eyes, that face, plump and smooth like a child but unmistakably her. Villanelle. Ten years ago. Seventeen. She was seventeen. Eve's hands leapt onto the keyboard, Anna Leonova she added to the search box.

And there she was, strong faced but beautiful in her own way; dark curls falling down her shoulders, deep brown enigmatic eyes. Eve's stomach lurched a little, with what? Jealousy? No, she persuaded herself, it was just surprise. Surprised to see what this mythical siren that had brought Villanelle crashing on to the rocks looked like. Like a French teacher, she chuckled. Oh Villanelle, she thought wistfully, you simple hearted child.

She imagined the girl in her youth, perhaps she wasn't so weird back then. Or perhaps she was always so weird, but on a seventeen-year-old it comes across as charmingly imaginative. The thoughts seemed to be bathed in golden sunlight and Eve could feel the warmth around her like summer air. Her reverie was rudely interrupted by Niko's moustache. "Motherfucker!" she shouted as she jumped out of her chair in surprise.

"Well that's a bit rich coming from you," pouted Niko, "if I fuck your mother then we're even huh?"

"Well she's been dead for eight years but, you know, if that's your thing," Eve babbled.

Niko just stared at her, "you're really something else," he said crossly.

"Sorry, sorry, look you just surprised me," she said pleadingly, "I was just talking shit, you know, like I do when I don't know what to say."

"Why what were you doing, watching porn?" he grabbed the corner of the laptop screen and spun it around so he could see it. "Hmm," he huffed, "Villanelle porn. I should have fucking guessed."

She hadn't noticed but about half the photos on the page were of Villanelle, some in her youth, some more up to date. Fuck, thought Eve. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Niko looked apoplectic. Eve took a deep breath to try to compose herself, she had some explaining to do and she wanted to get it right. She looked at Niko with pleading eyes. "Look," she said, "I know this looks bad but let me tell you what I found out."

They had been married over 20 years; the least Niko could do was listen to her excuses he figured. He didn't say anything, but the moustache indicated that he was prepared to humour her for a moment or two. She understood that this was her cue to continue. "Ok so you remember I said about Elena hearing Frank and Konstantin saying my name in two different conversations, and saying Anna Leonova, well that's her," she said pointing to the screen. "And they both said something about Twelve, well Kenny told me to look up XII Collective and I found this film. Der Nachtklub. Anna Leonova was in it. And Villanelle. It was her first film. And you know who else was in it? Bill Pargrave."

"I thought he was dead," said Niko, confused.

"Yeah, so did I, but I think he made this film and then he disappeared," said Eve, with a "see?" gesture.

Niko scrunched his face up for a moment. "What does all of this shit have to do with you shagging Villanelle?" he said bluntly.

"I'm not!" she said emphatically. "Look, I don't know what any of this means, not yet anyway. But there's something going on."

"I bet there bloody is!" he said, pulling a newspaper off the side with a photo of her and Villanelle leaving the hotel after the end of the weekend trip.

Eve shook her head angrily, "we work together, we were in the same hotel, there's nothing suspicious about that."

"That's not what I'm suspicious about," he said tensely, "it's this," he said pointing at the screen, "this obsession," he said venomously.

Eve glanced at the screen, then back at Niko. Actually, she realised she was obsessed with Villanelle, but this probably wasn't the right time to admit to it. "I'm not fucking her," said Eve flatly.

"Lost your touch?" said Niko furiously.

Eve scowled at him incredulously, I'm beating her off with a stick actually; she realised this was also not the right thing to say. She composed herself. "Nothing is going on. Nothing."

"Not for the lack of trying though I'm sure," he grunted.

"I'm not trying," said Eve gesturing at herself.

"She is though," said Niko petulantly. Eve scoffed.

"You really think this girl can just turn up in my life, after what she did to me, and be weird, and I just fall into bed with her? She's an absolute butt wipe. She's the weirdest person I've ever met, and yeah maybe that would have seemed deep and interesting when I was, oh, fifteen, but oh my god Niko, how could you think I could fall for this shit? Who do you think I am?"

Niko stared at her intensely, "I'm not sure I know anymore," and with that he grabbed the bag he had packed without Eve noticing he was there and left, slamming the door behind him.

Eve stood for a few moments, both trying to cry and trying not to. The sensation passed quickly, and she looked at the screen again. She sat down and scrolled through the Villanelle porn. She was beautiful, you didn't need to be in love with her to see that, but could she ever? Eve pondered the forbidden thought briefly. Could she? She shook her head to kick the thought out again; she couldn't think about it. Something was going on and she couldn't let her mind get clouded with trivial matters of the heart, or the crotch.

She needed to find out more, she needed to find Bill. Her phone lit up. Niko, she wondered? No, Villanelle.

"I'm sooooo bored! Coffee?" the message read.

Hmm, thought Eve, can I get this clown to spill the beans? She messaged back, "Sure, you free now? Meet me in 30min?"

The reply came back in a flash, "Yup."

Eve smiled conspiratorially, now you can give me something I actually want.


	27. Central Perky

Central Perky

Chapter 27

They met in a little coffee shop a mile from Eve's house. Eve didn't think much of the place, but it was close and had enough nooks and crannies that the two of them could have some privacy. As Eve arrived she was surprised to see Villanelle waiting outside. She thought that Villanelle would be more watchful for the press, but no. She was chivalrously waiting for her date outside, much as a normal person might do. Eve made a conscious effort not to be moved by this in anyway; she had a grilling to deliver.

Eve didn't speak to Villanelle but merely gripped her by the elbow and led her into the coffee shop. Villanelle smiled at her once they were inside, but Eve wasn't responsive, "Didn't want the press to get much time to take photos," she said, letting go of Villanelle's elbow and pointing to a table, "over there." Villanelle complied meekly, taking a seat on one side of the table as Eve glanced around and then sat on the other side.

The waitress appeared. "How can I help you madam?" she said to Eve.

"Coffee, uh, flat white, please," she replied while still scanning around the shop for anyone or anything suspicious.

Villanelle was too busy watching her and needed a prompt from the waitress, "and you madam?"

She took her eyes reluctantly from Eve and looked at the waitress, "Americano, thank you," she answered in a polite drawl, and the waitress promptly left.

Villanelle's eyes twinkled with exuberance and expectation. As Eve finally stopped checking the shop for eavesdroppers she turned to Villanelle. Her expression caught Eve by surprise, and Eve had to stop herself from getting drawn into it. She had all the air of a seventeen-year-old girl in love, and the breathless charm of it all could pull Eve off track. She wondered if that was what had happened to Anna Leonova, then remembered she needed to keep a clear head.

"It was a good thing you messaged me," said Eve.

"Oh?" said Villanelle coquettishly.

"Yeah, I've got some questions for you," said Eve in a business-like manner.

Her manner didn't bother Villanelle though, she was just happy to be there, "ask away," she purred.

"So that movie you were in with Anna, was it Der Nachtklub?" asked Eve.

Villanelle looked unconcerned by the question, "yeah, Der Nachtklub," she replied with perfect German pronunciation, "it was terrible!" she said, finishing with her own Russian laugh.

"So I looked up XII Collective and that film came up in the search results," said Eve, watching carefully for any tiny responses. There were none.

Villanelle just shrugged and shook her head, "I don't know what that is. I don't know what it had to do with that film."

Eve pondered for a moment, wondering what tack to take next. The arrival of the waitress with the two drinks gave Eve a few more moments to think. "What was the film about? I'd never heard of it until I looked up the XII," asked Eve.

Villanelle rolled her eyes with an "oh my god" expression, "I can't really say what it was about."

"Why?" quizzed Eve, "is it some kind of secret?"

Villanelle gave a hoot of laughter, "maybe it's a big secret because I have no idea what it was about!" She leaned in a little closer and said seriously, "it was weird, you know?"

Eve peered at her, "weird like an art house movie?"

Villanelle thought for a second, "yeah, but weirder, like really weird. The script was terrible, I mean I didn't really realise at the time because it was my first job, but now I just think, what a crock of shit! And the acting was bad, and the cameras were wrong, and the sound didn't match the pictures. It was all really weird. I've never been on a film like that since."

"You had a pen, at the hotel. It had XII on it," said Eve, watching for any flinch.

Villanelle didn't flinch though, she just turned her hands up and said, "I got that pen from Konstantin. I asked him for one to write the card in your flowers."

Eve dropped her gaze to the table, eye contact felt like the wrong response to the memory of the flowers. She didn't feel like she was getting anywhere, except deeper into personal discomfort. Konstantin is something to do with it XII Collective though, that was new. Eve turned her gaze towards the windows and leaned back in her seat. What does it all mean? XII Collective made an art house movie with Villanelle, Bill, and Anna. What did that have to do with her? And if that's all they do then why was Kenny so secretive about it? She had more information but none of it was making any more sense to her.

As she was thinking her eyes fell on Villanelle, she smiled briefly but then remembered to get her business head back on. She didn't have any more dice to roll, so she decided to just go straight to the heart of the matter. "Do you know why anyone would mention me and Anna Leonova in the same conversation?" she said.

Villanelle choked slightly on her coffee. Ah ha! thought Eve, maybe you know something after all.

"Like when?" asked Villanelle, stalling for a bit more time.

"Well, Elena overheard two conversations. One was a year ago, Frank Haleton was speaking to someone. She said he said Anna Leonova, my name, and something about The Twelve. The second one was Konstantin, at the white-water centre. Same thing, Anna Leonova, my name, The Twelve."

Villanelle remained static, is that who is upset about Eve? The Twelve? Now she had questions, but not for Eve. She felt panicked that the connection was her being in love with Eve the same way she had been with Anna. She didn't know what Frank Haleton had to do with it though, and why it was last year, but Konstantin could tell her that when she had the chance to ask him about it.

She couldn't tell Eve the truth though; it was too soon. She needed a suitable expression to cover her tracks; she settled on nonchalant. Shaking her head with a bottom lipped frown she said, "I have no idea." Eve sighed. "You both have curly hair?" she added, unable to tolerate disappointing Eve by not offering any suggestions.

Eve rolled her eyes, "oh come on," she said with a chuckle, "they could have said Sarah Jessica Parker, or anyone. Why me? I'm not even an actress."

Villanelle had so many answers to that question, why wouldn't it be you? Why couldn't it be you? Don't think that you're not special. You don't need to be an actress. You don't need to be anything other than yourself she thought to herself. If she had been bold enough to say it out loud it might even have broken through Eve's defences. But why be smooth when you can be a gay disaster instead?

Villanelle bristled internally with feelings and emotions, things that she rarely ever felt. The experience was both delicious and unfamiliar. For someone like Villanelle though this manifested externally as weird and bewildering behaviour. She picked up one of the paper sticks of sugar from the little jar on the table. "How do they get the sugar in them?" she said, oafishly.

Eve just laughed, she was getting used to the sudden change of subject, the weird tangents, the stupid questions. "I think," she said with a mock serious face, "they get midgets with little funnels to fill them up and glue the top shut."

Villanelle thought for a moment, then finally laughed, "ah, you are joking with me!" she said with a sweet smile.

Eve smiled back at her, the delightful little asshole that she could be sometimes.

Perfect, thought the photographer who was in the bushes outside, that's my new conservatory paid for.


	28. Keep Them Happy

Keep Them Happy

Chapter 28

"I need to talk to you," said the message from Konstantin.

Good, thought Villanelle, because I need to talk to you.

By the time she had returned to her apartment from her coffee date with Eve, Konstantin had already arrived. He was waiting insolently in the hallway. The two fixed angry eyes on each other, and without speaking went together up the flight of stairs to her door. They remained angrily silent until the door was closed and both were in her living room. They were like two boxers in the middle of the ring just waiting for the bell.

Konstantin landed the first blow. "I've just been given a tip off that the press has got a photo of you and Eve having coffee," he said, obviously restraining himself.

"Yes? And?" she said curtly.

His voice started at a normal tone but crescendoed until he was almost shouting by the end, "and you look like you are in love!"

She stared at him, seething. Suddenly she started smiling, but not a warm and engaging smile, instead a glib and sinister smile. "It’s cute isn’t it? Who is upset about this? Hmm?" She started to move around Konstantin in a circle. "Is it," she paused dramatically, "The Twelve?" she finished in such a delicate voice that Konstantin feared that she knew more than she needed to.

He was completely thrown off, he never expected her to ask him this question, ever. But he still felt like had to protect her. He thought hard about what to say. He could deny it as he always does but he felt like this wouldn't work now. Still he had to try. "The Twelve?" he said casually, "what is that?"

Villanelle stopped circling and stood uncomfortably close to him, "I think you know exactly what that is, or should I say who?"

His eyes flinched involuntarily, but he decided to hold his line. "Who do you think they are?" he pushed back to her.

She stood for a moment, then tilting her head to one side said, "I think they make bad movies. Bad movies that no one understands. Bad movies like Der Nachtklub." She held the b in Nacthklub for an inordinately long time for sinister effect.

Konstantin was worried now, how did she find out? What would she do if she wasn't happy with his answers? What kind of trouble she would get herself into was his main concern. He realised he needed to tell her something, but he resolved to make it the least amount he could get away with. "Ok," he said with a shrug, "I will tell you about The Twelve. But," he said raising a finger in front of his face, "you must never speak to anyone about this. Understand?"

Villanelle looked at him without speaking, is this a deal she wants to make she wondered. "Fine," she said, with little expression on her face.

"Can we sit?" asked Konstantin, his voice slightly weary. Villanelle nodded and the two sat on her long sofa.

He rubbed his hands together anxiously for a few seconds before he spoke. "The Twelve are a performance art collective. They are a regular business too. They make ordinary movies, action, horror, sci fi, romcom, all kinds of things, and the money they make from that they use for art projects."

Villanelle squinted at him, "the weird shit?"

"No," said Konstantin firmly, "it is art," he corrected her.

She put a mock "well sorry!" look on her face. She put her normal face back on, "if that is what they do then why is it so secret?" she asked.

Konstantin took a deep breath before he spoke, "because if the actors knew they were making art then they would behave differently. They want real performances, real life, unguarded, candid, revealing. So they never say what the project is for. You get a script, you turn up, you do the job. The actors always act the same, that is what they want." Villanelle pondered this and with her eyebrows raised she gave a slightly bemused, "well, ok."

She had a more burning question though; she fixed her eyes on Konstantin's. "Is it The Twelve that was angry about me and Anna?" she said unblinkingly.

He paused for a moment, "yes," he said.

"Why?" she asked this time more firmly.

"Because," he said slowly, "you were not focussed on the job. And they had made a big investment in you."

Villanelle leaned back, "what do you mean, investment?"

Konstantin bit his lip, then spoke, "who do you think paid for your training? Hmm?"

She didn't react but her eyes shimmered. She looked at him coldly.

"How many people get taken from a prison drama group and get the best acting training in the world, hmm? And taught languages? And taught stunts? How many? Hmm? How many do you think Villanelle?" he said, becoming more animated.

Motherfuckers, was all she was thinking right now.

"They took you, they trained you, they put you in their biggest art piece, and you nearly ruined it. So do you see why they were angry?" he asked her.

She nodded, but with a look of anger on her face. Konstantin wished she would say something, not knowing what she was thinking made him uneasy. Her face was contorted with fury, and yet her eyes looked like they were gleaming with tears, held back like water behind a dam, but there nonetheless. "Was Anna part of it?" she said, almost choking but too proud to let her emotions burst out.

"What do you mean? Part of it?" he asked.

She pulled her lips tight before she spoke again, "was she acting too? Was she told to seduce me? Was it in her script?" she said, her voice now wavering like a leaf in the breeze.

Konstantin dropped his hands and turned himself fully at Villanelle, "Oh, no. God no. That was real. That was why they were so angry; it wasn't in their plan. They thought they had wasted their money on you. They thought you were going to turn up to every movie and fall in love with someone and not focus on your work. They thought you were a liability. And I had to beg them to give you another chance."

She was too stunned and hurt to fully believe everything he was saying. She wanted his words to be true but the pain of the end of her relationship with Anna made the possibility that she had only been acting the whole time somehow a better explanation than she just didn't want to be with her. Somehow being lied to felt better than being rejected.

Eve. She remembered what Eve had been asking her. "Was it The Twelve that you were talking to about Eve? On that day at the white-water centre?" she asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

He looked stunned for a moment; how did she know? "No," he said, as calmly as he could, "no, it was Carolyn."

Villanelle smiled, but still her eyes shone with uncried tears, "bullshit! She doesn't care if I fuck Eve. She told me herself," she said with weary jubilance.

Konstantin threw his hands up in a conciliatory gesture, "yes, you are right, she doesn't care. I was just warning her, that I was concerned. That it might affect the project."

Her face became a little harder, "but The Twelve, they don't like this stuff with Eve. Am I right?"

He shook his head, "they don't like it. They worry that you will get too distracted by it. And they think you are capable of so much more than you have done already."

She scoffed, "but I am already the best actress."

"Yes," he said, "and they think you can be even better than that."

"I think," she said with a pause, "that you are blowing smoke up my ass."

Konstantin looked puzzled, "what does that mean?"

She laughed, "it means you are telling me how great I am and my head is supposed to get so fat that I my brain doesn't work anymore, and I don't notice that I am being told a load of bullshit." She glared at him, like an insolent sparrow hawk. "Why," she purred, "do I need to keep The Twelve happy?"

Konstantin sat up straight. He needed her to know this was serious. "They made you and they can break you."

Villanelle laughed, this was ridiculous, "they can break me? Oh, I'm scared!" she mocked.

"I'm serious," he said, "you get the best jobs, you get paid more than anyone else, and if you piss them off then that is all gone."

She looked him dead in the eyes, "but I'm the best actress in the world, The Twelve aren't the only people making movies, I can get good scripts from other places."

Konstantin dropped his head in his hands, he was going to have to say it. He rubbed his face then looked up to face Villanelle. "You are the best actress in the world now, but they can make it look like you are the worst. They can ruin you. And then you never work."

She shook his head, this didn't make sense, "why would they do that?"

He paused, "because no one will believe an actor who has fallen from grace when they start babbling about conspiracies, and a performance art collective that deliberately made them look like they couldn't act. They make a lot of money and they won't take any risks."

"Wow," said Villanelle, "they sound like bastards."


	29. A Blast From Your Past

A Blast From Your Past

Chapter 29

After the week she just had the hotel in Wales seemed comfortingly familiar, and a long way from her troubles. As she sat by the fireplace in the hotel bar with Elena she felt like it was the first time for ages that any kind of calm had come over her. This was mainly being supplied by the wine, but that didn't matter. Her muscles relaxed, and the absence of tension revealed to her just how wound up she had been until this point.

After the coffee shop photo broke Niko had went from being uncommunicative to taking every opportunity to call and shout at her for whatever little thing popped into his head and pissed him off at that exact moment. She had taken a lot of shit this week. But she wouldn't not take it, he was still her husband, and marriage means taking the shit with the smooth sometimes. She just wished she could remember the last time it wasn't all just shit.

"Say, any luck finding Bill?" said Eve to Elena.

She shook her head, "no, not so far. I've been given a couple of people to get in touch with that might be able to help, I'm just waiting for them to get back to me."

Eve chuckled, "yeah, I can't believe I thought he was dead, all this time. Life, huh?" she said with an exasperated shrug.

"Yeah," said Elena with a sympathetic eye roll. "Oh," she said, looking over towards the lift.

Villanelle had just walked out the lift doors like Ursula Andress getting out of the sea in Dr. No. Even people who didn't recognise her were drawn by her magnetism; all eyes were on her. And she knew it. She gave a smirk of delight and sashayed across the hotel lobby to the fireplace, watched the whole time. As she got to where Eve and Elena were sitting she could see a few people nudging each other. Their supposed "love affair" was common knowledge. Well, to people who read that kind of gossip.

"Good evening ladies," she said graciously. Both nodded uncomfortably in reply to her. "May I buy you a drink?" she said, her voice dripping in honey, looking at them both in turn.

"Uh," started Elena, unsure of what Eve was going to say.

Eve glanced around the room at the people who were watching them and had a fuck it moment. She looked up at the standing Villanelle and smiled broadly, "yes, I'd love one. Something expensive. Thank you." Elena wasn't sure what to say now, and just looked at Eve, hoping that she would intervene. "And the same for Elena," said Eve, now smiling at her.

Villanelle smiled and waved a hand in the air.

A waiter came scurrying over. "Yes madam?" he said, almost bowing. She turned her back completely to Eve and Elena and pulled the waiter into a conspiratorial huddle as she gave him directions out of earshot. "Yes madam," he said, and headed off through a door behind the serving area.

"May I?" said Villanelle, gesturing to an empty seat.

"Why of course," said Eve, ever so politely. Eve felt like she could hear a titter from the onlookers, but this was just her imagination. They were being observed though. The three looked at each other, somebody say something.

"How was your journey?" said Villanelle, staying on the h for an unusually long time while she thought about how to finish the sentence.

"Good, yeah," said Eve. "And you?" Eve asked after a pause.

"Good. Yeah," replied Villanelle.

They sat looking at each other again. It was strange that while both Eve and Villanelle were used to having conversations in front of cameras, having a conversation in front of people who thought they were sleeping with each other seemed so cumbersome. Perhaps if they actually were sleeping together it would be easier, Eve wondered, then mentally smacked herself. Don't think that. Just don't.

The only thing Elena had to say to Villanelle was about the press. She had spent nearly three weeks now filtering Eve's communications, mostly directing them to the PR company M. Issecks, who were churning out generic responses to invitations for comments. It had mostly been no comment stuff, but after the coffee shop photo they felt a bit of brand management was necessary. They put out something vague about working on an exciting new project with Villanelle; nothing about fucking. Elena knew that the press wasn't a suitable topic for conversation, because mostly what she wanted to say to Villanelle was, "you bastarding toad, I've been working my bollocks off for the last three weeks because of you."

She wouldn't give Villanelle the delight of knowing that Eve's marriage was on the rocks though, calling her a bastarding toad would be sufficient. But she wasn't going to do that, there were too many people watching. And actually, she wasn't 100% sure that there wasn't anything going on between them. Yes Eve had said quite unequivocally that was nothing going on, and Elena believed her, but just because you haven't touched that slice of carrot cake it doesn't mean that you're not going to eat it. Or that you wouldn't be cross if someone called the carrot cake a bastarding toad. She remained wary about criticising Villanelle unprompted. Elena sat silently, hoping that something might happen that would break the pregnant pause in the conversation.

The waiter returned, holding a gleaming bucket with the top of a champagne bottle poking out of it, and 3 glasses held upside down by the stems in his other hand. Another waiter was following him holding what looked like to Eve, some kind of plant potholder. He put the black metal item down and the first waiter duly popped the bucket in it. Oh, it holds champagne buckets, thought Eve, who's fucking idea was that?

Eve turned to Villanelle, "champagne?" she said quizzically, "before dinner?"

"There is never a wrong time to have champagne," she said, her Russian accent only adding to the decadence.

"Oo la la," said Eve sarcastically.

Villanelle laughed. Other women would be impressed by this, but not Eve. All the money and glamour didn't make any difference to her. She would still take the piss out of you if she saw the opportunity. She was amazing. Better than Anna, maybe.

The waiter had popped the cork and poured three glasses, handing the first to Villanelle. She raised her glass to the other two ladies and had just taken a sip when she duly spat it out again. Something had caught her eye as she looked towards the lift. Eve could see nothing unusual, just Hugo, Kenny, Martin, Jess, and some slender girl with sharp features. Who was staring at Villanelle. Like she was looking down the scope of a sniper's rifle. Villanelle was also staring at her, and not in a sexy way.

Jess paused, noticing the long-distance stand-off, and taking the slender girl's arm turned her to the side slightly, clearly imparting some imformation. The slender girl scowled, then composed herself. "Ok," she appeared to say. The girl and Jess began walking again. Eve noticed Villanelle's expression.

"Who's the girl with Jess?" she asked, trying to sound innocent.

Villanelle scowled. "Nadia," she spat, "Nadia Kadomtseya."

Eve waited for a moment, did Villanelle think that Eve should know who that is? "And who is Nadia?" she said after a pause.

"She," began Villanelle quickly then suddenly halting because she realised she needed to choose her words carefully, "we know each other. We knew each other, when we were young. In Russia. Before I was an actress."

Eve was intrigued, someone who knew Villanelle before she was famous. "You were friends?" she asked.

Villanelle looked shifty, "uh, no. I mean yes. But we fell out."

The fact that the two remained staring each other out suggested to Eve that there was still bad feeling on both sides. "Uh," said Eve, "does she work in tv or something? Is she on the crew?"

Villanelle didn't break her stare as she answered, "she can do anything, camera, sound, light, anything."

Eve gave a little laugh, "huh, of course, that would make sense if you wanted to keep your crew as small as possible. Get someone who can do everything." Villanelle suddenly broke her stared and looked at Eve, "she is trouble," she said seriously, "watch your back," she finished in a sinister tone.

Eve sat opened mouthed for a moment. Ah fuck it, she finally thought, and drained her champagne glass. "Top up?" she said.

"Please," said Elena.


	30. Fear and Loathing in a Minibus

Fear and Loathing In a Minibus

Chapter 30

The minibus journey was unusually tense. Something about the silent loathing that Villanelle and Nadia were transmitting to each other seemed to permeate every corner of the vehicle. They didn't think they'd ever find themselves saying it, but they actually preferred it when they were just being gooseberries to the awkward tension between Eve and Villanelle. Anyone who had headphones stuck them in their ears. Anyone who had anything even remotely shaped like a book had their face in it. Even Hugo, normally so abrasive had no smart arsed remarks to make, and had his sound engineer headphones cupped over his ears. Closer inspection would have shown that they weren't actually plugged into anything, but any barrier from the dense atmosphere was welcome.

Eve did have headphones but chose not to wear them. She felt like she needed to stay alert to this threat, whatever it was. She was sitting behind Villanelle, and scarcely took her eyes off the back of her head the whole journey. Occasionally she would glance over at Nadia, just to check where she was, but then she returned vigilantly to her guard. She didn't fully appreciate why she was doing this, but really she didn't want anything to happen to Villanelle. Well, not from someone else's hands. Elena watched the whole thing in dread; this was exactly why she didn't criticise Villanelle unless invited to.

The bus pulled into the car park of the water sports centre and as before Jess and Martin leapt out as soon as the vehicle was stationary. But this time everyone else also piled out behind them like a parachute platoon jumping out of a plane door. No one wanted to stay in the haunted bus. Martin gestured to Eve and Villanelle, "same procedure as last time, get changed into your dry suits, get the kayak, meet me at the launch." The two nodded and Elena followed behind them into the building.

Meanwhile the crew were scattered around the car park like traffic cones that had been ploughed into by a learner driver. Jess surveyed the scene and wondered for a moment if Nadia was worth all this hassle. Carolyn insisted though. _She's the best person for the job. You won't find anyone with a skill set like hers. She's like a production Swiss army knife._ But Oksana, I mean Villanelle, she won't be happy. _She's a big girl. She can handle it. Tell her to speak to me if there's a problem._ Jess had thought it a little strange at the time that Carolyn offered to deal with Villanelle, but with Carolyn the only thing that's strange is when she isn't strange.

Kenny scanned the car park covertly, then went up to Jess. He stood there saying nothing. "Yes Kenny?" asked Jess, knowing that he wanted to say something.

"I just need to go to the toilet."

Jess looked at him with a little puzzlement, he didn't need to ask her to go to the toilet, "um, ok."

He stood silently again, looking at her unblinking, then said, "bad prawns."

"Oh," said Jess, "well you better go then."

Kenny gave no gesture, then walked smartly into the water sports centre.

Hugo then came up to Jess, "have I got time for a dump?" he said.

Jess looked over to the door of the building and then back to Hugo, "you maybe want to wait til Kenny's back out. Bad prawns."

Hugo nodded, "ah, yeah. I'll wait."

Inside the building Kenny scanned quickly for the signs to the changing rooms. He checked behind him, and then went in that direction. He found the door to the women's room and put his ear to it. He could hear Eve and Villanelle's muffled voices; the words unclear. They didn't sound like they were arguing, which was something of a relief to him. They also didn't sound like they were fucking which was more of a relief. He glanced around for somewhere he could conceal himself if he needed to abort his mission. The cleaning cupboard door was open, so he slid behind it and lurked in the shadows.

After a moment Elena came out and went straight out of the building. After a couple of minutes, the changing room door swung open, "you asshole!" he heard ringing out loud and clear. He peered round to see Eve coming out, and the changing room door close behind her. Now.

As she walked away from the changing room Kenny slipped silently out of the cupboard and, unusually for him, grabbed Eve's arm. She was startled but seeing it was Kenny she realised this was a clandestine conversation. She glanced around quickly to check no one was coming. She looked at him, "what?" she whispered.

"Nadia. She's trouble. Watch your back," he said briskly.

The sound of rustling came from the changing room door. He glanced at it, then darted off, leaving Eve standing there. The door crashed open and Villanelle came out, "you didn't get very far," she said pithily.

"No, I was just," and she stopped, remembering that Villanelle was no more to be trusted than Nadia, "just wondering if I need the toilet before we go or not."

Kenny walked quickly away from the building and went straight into the minibus without lifting his head. Jess motioned to Hugo, "toilet's free," she said.

Hugo hesitated, "ah, it can wait," he said.

Jess gave a shrug, and called to Nadia, "ok we're leaving now."

Hugo and Nadia filed into the minibus, where Kenny and Elena were already sitting in silence at opposite ends of the vehicle. "Not interrupting anything are we?" said Hugo impudently. Nadia stared at him. He made a small noise like a "mhmmh," and slunk sheepishly into a seat. She then stared at Diego, the creepy minibus driver, who gave the same stare back.

"Popular girl," thought Elena, as Nadia took a seat like she was claiming a piece of territory. Jess took a precautionary look around the car park in case she had missed anything then jumped in herself and slammed the door shut. The engine roared into life, and the bus sped off.

Meanwhile, still inside the building Eve turned to Villanelle, "what's the deal with Nadia? What kind of trouble is she?" She kept her tone light to make the inquiry sound coincidental.

Villanelle pulled a face like someone had put a skunk under her nose, "any kind of trouble you can think of," she replied unhelpfully.

The men's changing room door swung open and Martin appeared. "Ready?" he asked in his usual upbeat tone.

Eve paused for a minute, she was getting a bit sick of all this cryptic shit, couldn't someone just give her one straight answer? Just one? "Yeah," she finally said, fucking cryptic bullshit put aside for now, "we're ready."

Villanelle, strange creature that she was, was glad to be inside a dry suit because otherwise she feared that she might burst all over the walls. She said we. She said WE. SHE SAID WE. Villanelle went from a mostly/moderately functioning human being to a lovesick bag of jelly in a dry suit in less than a second.

Eve prodded her sharply, "hello? Earth to asshole?"

AND SHE TOUCHED ME.

"Fucking come on!" said Eve, grabbing Villanelle by the elbow and dragging her quivering mass towards Martin.

"Is she alright?" Martin tried to ask Eve surreptitiously in a half whisper.

"Who fucking knows?" answered Eve with an air of resignation, "was she ever alright to begin with?"


	31. Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Chapter 31

Apart from Villanelle being really weird, as in doing exactly what she was asked to do without making any smart remarks, the day went entirely according to plan. They landed on the beach and had camp set up in the bay again by 3pm. The tent hadn't gotten any bigger; if anything it seemed even smaller than last time, but fortunately Jess decided to invite Eve and Villanelle into the crew tent for dinner this evening. Well, Jess said she had decided, it wasn't entirely clear if it was her idea or not. There were certainly plenty of reasons why Eve and Villanelle were better off in the crew tent rather than squeezed into that little toothpaste tube of a tent, together, alone. Eve was grateful to whoever had the idea. Being squashed up against Villanelle felt particularly onerous to her right now; she was mainly grateful that she could sit upright though.

Jess called everyone to attention before she began to speak. "Well, everyone, good work. Everything has gone to plan, all the technical stuff is bang on, and I think we're pretty much ready for the final shoot." At the point she said everything has gone to plan both Kenny and Villanelle flicked their eyes to Nadia, who just stared back at them. "I think a special mention has to go to our new crew member Nadia, she's really helped us pull it all together," said Jess, gesturing warmly towards Nadia. Nadia merely responded by not staring for a few moments.

"Whoopie do," muttered Hugo under his breath, "ow!" he then said as his shin got sharply kicked by Jess. Kenny stared at Hugo, but this time it was more of an "I know mate," stare compared to his usual, "what the actual fuck?" stare. Hugo felt buoyed by his support.

Martin lounged obliviously; they could all do whatever the fuck they liked now; his job was almost over. Their squabbles would soon be no longer his problem. All he had to do was to get the two idiots, Eve and Villanelle, back to the hotel tomorrow afternoon, alive, and he was free, free at last, with a ridiculously large pay cheque in his back pocket. It certainly hadn't been easy money, but damn, there such was a lot of it. He imagined himself as a sheik in his harem, lighting Cuban cigars with £20 notes. Ah, the good life, he thought as he stretched himself out. "Any wine going?" he asked.

"Yeah mate," said Hugo, "in that case."

Eve raised an eyebrow, "oh," she said in a jokey tone, "is that what you do while we're jammed in that teddy tent?"

"I'm sure you're having more fun than us," said Hugo, "ow!" he then said. Jess rolled her eyes at him.

"I'm really learning so much about tents," said Eve, in the kind of serious but friendly tone that was her broadcasting trademark, as she glanced around the palatial crew tent, "you know until I started this project I hadn't been in a tent since 1987. Steel poles, and the rain pouring in. Sheesh. I mean this kind of tent is better than my first flat."

Jess raised a politely inquisitive eyebrow, "oh? Where was your first flat?"

"Luton," said Eve.

"Oh," said Jess, "of course."

"What is Luton?" asked Villanelle, not entirely following the conversation but feeling that it was about time she asked a question.

"It is a shit town," said Nadia, the unfamiliarity of her flat voice catching everyone unawares, "like the shit towns we grew up in," she finished, eyes fixed on Villanelle like drawn swords.

"Oh," said Villanelle, still in some kind of daze, "oh yeah, this tent is definitely better than there."

Everyone was a little puzzled that Villanelle hadn't taken up the gauntlet, Nadia was clearly inviting her to start an argument, but she was just sitting there all soft and doughy like a chocolate labrador.

_Maybe she fucked Eve_ thought Elena, _oh shit_.

_Maybe she fucked Eve_ thought Jess. _In that tiny tent? Impressive._

_Maybe she fucked Eve_ , thought Hugo _, damn I missed it_.

_Maybe she fucked Eve_ , thought Kenny _, no, no they didn't. No fucking has happened. Between anyone. Ever._

_I don't give a fuck_ , thought Martin.

"So," said Hugo, unaware, "you two know each other?"

Nadia's gaze hadn't moved from Villanelle. She was almost goading her to speak, go on, tell them, little Miss Bigshot.

Villanelle began to speak absentmindedly, "yeah, we've known each other since we we younger. In Russia. We've worked together."

"Oooop!" said Hugo before he could stop his excitement from forming a sound and escaping his mouth. It now was clear to all that Villanelle and Nadia had obviously fucked at some point in the past.

Eve found herself frozen. She really didn't know what to feel about it. With Anna she put that lurch in her stomach down to surprise, but now faced with the knowledge of another of Villanelle's lovers she couldn't understand what she was experiencing. I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous, she chanted in her mind like a mantra.

Elena, ever alert to Eve's mind state could see that she was floundering. What could she do? Taking Eve outside was too obvious. Wine? Wine might help. But not in an "I'm obviously administering therapeutic wine to Eve because she's having an emotional meltdown about Nadia being Villanelle's ex-girlfriend" sort of way. This needed some subtlety. "Where did you say the wine was?" Elena said quizzically, "how about I pour us all a glass?" she finished in her best attentive hostess voice.

Nadia's composure hadn't changed one iota. She remained daggers drawn, with eyes fixed on Villanelle. Jess shot her a little look. Remember what I said. Nadia glanced over at Jess, then put her daggers down. "Yes," she said, in the kind of friendly tone that no one could actually believe was coming from her mouth, "but that was so many years ago," she said with an alarmingly convincing smile. "And," she continued, "you are such a big star now."

No one believed for a minute that she had any benevolent thoughts regarding Villanelle's success. It felt more like she was baiting a trap for Villanelle to stumble right into. Villanelle though was barely in the room, "being a star is not important," she said somewhat philosophically, "it just happens because you are good at your job. And you are good at your job," she said nodding at Nadia. Nadia didn't even flicker.

Now it was Eve's turn to get it all wrong. She saw that Nadia was bristling for a fight, but she saw that Villanelle, unusually, wasn't taking the opportunity. This was a woman who would start a fight with a nun. But here she is, all melting and gooey like a sweet with a caramel centre that's been in your pocket all day. The irresistible surge of jealousy swept over her. She forgot that Villanelle had been like this all day and was reading Nadia as the cause of it. And now Nadia has gone soft on Villanelle.

Get a fucking room! she almost shouted, but fortunately managed to maintain as inner monologue. "Did someone say wine?" Eve blurted, "I need some fucking wine."

Elena, who had been carefully trying to cover up that she was only pouring out wine because Eve needed some, promptly filled a glass and stuffed it into Eve's hand.

"About time too," she said wearily, before draining the whole glass in one go. "I'm not jealous," she mouthed silently to Elena.

The hell you're not thought Elena. "Say," said Elena cheerfully to Eve, "why don't you show me your tent?" and with a fresh full glass of wine in her hand she grabbed Eve by the arm and spirited her out of the tent.


	32. So Not Jealous

So Not Jealous

Chapter 32

"Oh my god," said Elena, "this is tiny! I've known you for a long time but jeez, this is a bit much." She wriggled around on the sleeping bag trying her best to maximise her share of the space. Elena was smaller than Villanelle, she didn't take up nearly as much space; Eve would happily have swapped her for the lanky Russian. She was also a nicer person. Well she was an actual person, not a weird child in a woman suit like Villanelle was. Eve meanwhile was trying to figure out how to drink from a wine glass while propped on her elbows.

"Have you calmed down a bit?" asked Elena.

Eve gave her a look of pleading innocence, "calmed down? I was calm."

The hell you were. Elena looked at her in the way someone who knows you well does to elicit the truth from you.

Eve sighed, "ok. So I got a bit freaked. But I'm fine. Wine helps. Wine is good."

Elena still wasn't convinced that this was the whole truth. She had been letting Eve get away with it for too long, she decided now was the time to dig deeper. She was by nature a person who wouldn't want to upset anyone, but she felt like Eve needed to be honest with her, and with herself.

Elena thought before she spoke, "Eve, were you jealous of Nadia?" she said softly.

"No! I already told you that," said Eve dismissively.

"Well, what was it that you were feeling?" she asked.

Eve looked blankly into space. "I don't know," she said almost in a whisper, "I don't know."

Come on Eve, you can do this, thought Elena, you just need a bit of help. "What did it feel like?" asked Elena.

Eve's eyes were looking up, flicking from side to side as she brought the memory back into her mind. "Like being kicked, in the kidneys. Like being made of lead. Like the floor was melting." Silence filled the space between them.

"And what was that like?" said Elena after a long pause.

Eve shook her head and almost laughed, "it was terrifying. I didn't want... I didn't want to feel like that."

"Like what?" said Elena.

Eve choked on the words, "like I cared that anyone had already had her."

The mild jubilation that Elena felt from Eve finally admitting it was entirely overshadowed by concern for Eve. She didn't want to see her like this. Confused, lost, at the mercy of her emotions, at the whim of a heartless seductress. Yes Eve was paying her to be her PA, but she still would have protected her regardless of the money. She realised she needed to help Eve stay rational, keep sight of the bigger picture. That part of Eve's brain might be on vacation at the moment, but she could take its place. "Eve," she said seriously, "do you want her? Really?"

Eve inhaled sharply, "no, no I don't. She's weird, and she's a liar, and she's in with these Twelve guys, and fuck knows what else she's up to. I can't trust her, no one can. She's not real. The place where a person should be, there's nothing."

Good girl, thought Elena.

Eve seemed to be coming to her senses, "when I think about all the guys I dated, and Niko, they were real people. You could talk to them and kinda know what they might say next. With her it’s just completely random. A stupid question, a dumb remark, complete silence. And when I talked to those guys they would listen, well as well as a guy can listen, but I knew they could hear me. She doesn't listen. She doesn't know how to. I don't think she even knows what it's like to be anyone but her."

The sound of rustling came from the direction of the crew tent, someone was heading their way. Eve and Elena gave each other a quick "shh!" look and remained silent until their unexpected visitor arrived. The tent door opened with a zzzzzzzt.

"Room for one more?" said Hugo, only half joking.

"Oh fuck off Hugo," said Eve with a relieved smile.

"Yeah," said Elena, "there isn't even room for a small one in here."

"Lucky that's all I've got then," he retorted.

The two women laughed; he probably wasn't joking either which made it even more amusing to them. He felt pretty sure they were laughing at him instead of with him, but he didn't mind too much. "Dinner's ready in the big house," he said once their laughter had died down.

"Food!" said Eve enthusiastically, "amazing! Come on, let's go."

The rest of the evening went well, fun almost. They all sat up in the crew tent until late that night, chatting and telling bad jokes. It helped a lot that Villanelle hardly spoke, she seemed content to merely stare wistfully at Eve, and that Nadia had clearly been given instructions to chill the fuck out. When it was time to retire Eve had forgotten her jealous episode of earlier, and was feeling much more in control of her emotions. Elena is an angel, she thought to herself, I really must give her a raise. As Eve bade the group farewell for the night Villanelle followed her like a well-trained dog. If only she was really this compliant thought Eve, a rich lapdog would be a quite thing to have. She's more like a werewolf. No, no she's more like a cat. Not a fancy cat like a panther or a jaguar, just a regular cat. A herd of cats. Yes, she's more like a herd of cats.

Once inside the tent the two made their preparations to sleep, and slid themselves into their sleeping bags. They lay silently in the dark. Only the sound of light breathing filled the air. Eve rolled onto her side, facing the dark outline of Villanelle. "V?" she said softly.

Villanelle was on her back but moved onto her elbow to face towards the source of the sound. "Yeah?" she replied quietly.

"Was Nadia before or after Anna?"

"After," said Villanelle.

"Did you love her?" asked Eve, still in a hushed voice.

"Mmm, not as much," she replied, "I got bored."

"What about Anna, how did that end?"

There was a long pause. Eve wondered what Villanelle's impossible to read face would tell her if she could see it in the darkness, and if she would even understand it. "She didn't want me," Villanelle said, with something like sadness in her voice. The melancholic sound struck deep at Eve's heart, she felt incredible sympathy for young Villanelle. "But I think now," she continued after a few moments, "perhaps she was only pretending to love me all along."

How soul destroying, thought Eve, to give your innocent heart to someone completely and then think that it had all been just an act. She stretched an arm out into the darkness and laid a hand on Villanelle's solid dark mass, "you poor baby," she said unguardedly.

Mmmm, thought Villanelle, finally.

Suddenly Eve felt a surge of something, something powerful that seemed to start at the soles of her feet, but she didn't want to wait to find out what it was. She pulled her hand away from Villanelle sharply and abruptly finished the interaction in the way English people do when they feel desperately embarrassed. "Well," she said in an incongruously upbeat tone, "plenty more fish in the sea! Night then." And with that she flipped over so her back was now to Villanelle, who was lying in the dark utterly perplexed.

Wow, thought Villanelle, people say I am weird. 


	33. The Man That Time Forgot

The Man That Time Forgot

Chapter 33

A landline number. How quaint. Eve looked at the note she had just jotted down and scrawled a few doodles on the piece of paper. She didn't ask how Elena had managed to get a number for Bill Pargrave, she was too focussed on trying to uncover just what it all meant. Her name in two conversations, Anna Leonova, The Twelve.

Excitement was her dominant experience right now; life had been so samey for such a long time that having something beyond that, something outside of that, to work on gave her an energy that she hadn't felt for years. She was enjoying it all, although she would never say that. In her own narrative she just had a job to do: something was going on and she needed to find out what it was. She couldn't see that it was her boredom that had drawn her to looking in the first place, like iron filings to a magnet. Boredom is a terrible thing; boredom can lead a woman to do anything. People used to say idle hands do the devil's work. Maybe nowadays it’s more like idle minds make work for the devil.

She picked up her phone and tapped in the digits. The dial tone sounded for what felt like an age. Oh yeah, Eve remembered, you can let it ring forever on a landline. The ringing melted into the background of her consciousness, and she slipped into an almost meditative haze. Her thoughts faded. She became no one. She was just sitting, breathing, hearing. The more her thoughts went away the closer the world seemed to get to her, until she felt like it was just about to suffocate her, like she was just about to be submerged under a towering wave. She jolted back to reality; her thoughts quickly rushed back in to fill the void. The dial tone was still ringing. It stopped.

"Hello?" said a man's voice weakly.

Eve sat up straight in her chair, "Is that Bill? It's Eve Polastri," she said quickly, fearing that he might not want to talk if he wasn't sure who it was. The line was quiet for a moment.

"Eve, god, it's been so long," he said wistfully, "how did you find me? How are you? To what do I owe the pleasure?" he said, his voice becoming steadier and warmer as he spoke. It sounded like he hadn't spoken to anyone for weeks.

"Bill," she said with a smile, "oh Bill. It's a long story. But god, it's so good to hear your voice." He gave a little chuckle.

Eve suddenly felt a great comfort in that laugh, familiar, real, human. It had been ten years since she had last spoken to Bill, and it was only now that she grasped how much she had missed him. A part of her wanted to just wallow in warmth and sentimental feelings. The thrill of chasing a mystery was one thing but there was so little warmth in her life right now that these tiny moments flooded her senses. But her ego always prevailed, the part of her that has to know the answer always trumped the here and now of the heart. "Bill," she said, "I'm trying to find something out and I thought maybe you might have some ideas."

"Oh?" he said curiously.

"Yeah I've been doing some filming for a new show with the Russian actress, Villanelle, you worked with her before right?" Silence. "Bill, are you still there?"

"Yes, yes, sorry," he finally said.

Eve had a strange feeling, a hunch that she was just about to get into something bigger than she reckoned on. She wasn't sure why she said it, but the words that came out of her mouth were, "Bill, will you help me? I think there's something going on."

"I'll help you," he said, his voice quivering.

Niko was a man who never expected anything. He wasn't intuitive. He didn't have premonitions. He didn't have gut feelings. The only gut feeling he ever had was when his belly rolled over the top of his trousers after an Indian takeaway. He just let life unfold every day, in whatever way that was going to be, and mostly he was fine with whatever that turned out to be. Some days it turned out that his wife was shagging a dumbass Russian actress 14 years younger than her, and to be honest those days weren't as easy to deal with, but he plugged on. He was comforted by the fact that even though his wife was too busy chasing pussy to care about their failing marriage that he wasn't alone with it. He always had his moustache. So as he closed his car door in that supermarket car park he would have no reason to expect Villanelle to be there; except this time, she was.

"Hello Nikky," came the Russian drawl from behind him.

He knew exactly who it was and spun around furiously. "Niko, actually," he fumed at her.

She gave a single laugh, "ah yes, how forgetful of me, soooo terribly sorry," she said in a mockingly posh English accent. She dropped her voice back into her Russian accent and said in a deep register, "your wife talks about you so little it's no surprise I forget."

Bitch, he said entirely with his eyes. And moustache. He unconsciously pulled his shoulders back and stood taller. "What do you want?" he said with a visible sneer.

Villanelle put on a fake shocked face, "oh! I just wanted to say hello," she said vapishly.

The fuck you did. He returned her faux sentiment with a polite but fuck you retort, "well, how kind of you."

She smiled, she loved fucking people up, it was just so much fun. Time to step up a gear. She stepped closer to him, as if she was just about to share something that wasn't to be overheard. He instinctively stepped back.

She chuckled. She took great delight in being menacing. "You know, Nik -o," she over emphasised, "I've been spending a lot of time with Eve."

"My wife," he interjected crossly.

She merely raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Do you know when we go away that we share a little tent? It's tiny." she said, her eyes glowing with mischief. His moustache twitched in restrained fury. "Do you know how close we need to lie to each other? In that tiny tent?" She paused and slipped her voice into its lowest purr, "Only two layers of diamond polyester ripstop shell, 7-hole siliconized hollow fibre insulation and silky polyester lining keeping our bodies apart." She stared at him gleefully.

"Two layers of what?" he asked, puzzled, but still enraged.

"Sleeping bags," she said, "that's what they're made of."

Oh, thought Niko, fucking weirdo.

She stepped quickly into his space and sneered, "do you know she calls me baby?"

His eyes filled with fury, and he glowered at her, before suddenly bringing his hands up to her shoulders and shoving her away. She staggered to maintain her balance, but once she was stable, she laughed.

"What do you want?" shouted Niko, as loud as he dared in the busy car park.

She bit her bottom lip slowly and fixed her unblinking eyes on his, "I want Eve," she said coldly.

Suddenly he smiled, "well," he snorted, "you won't get her," and with that he barged past her, forcefully bumping her shoulder as he went.

She didn't move to watch him as he left, she remained where she was, smiling. "We will see," she said quietly.


	34. Little House of the Wary

Little House of the Wary

Chapter 34

She peered out of her car window at the number of the little cottage. This is it, she thought. The hedges in the front garden were thick and high, but recently trimmed, the little front gate solid but the stain fading. It looked like it had once been a pale blue colour, but now it mostly looked grey. She got out of the car, went through the little gate, and up to the aged yellow door. The front garden which had been concealed from the street was neat lawn, sharply edged, with tidy weed free borders of little flowers that Eve didn't know the names of. The impression was of the house of a retired civil servant, not a man who was once thought the best actor of his generation. The doorbell was an old-fashioned brass button, the type you have to hold down to make a continuous ring. Eve held the button with her finger and listened to the raspy ring. She glanced around the garden as she waited; she smiled; it was pretty.

The door opened and the familiar sight of Bill stood there, older but definitely him. She felt warmth coursing through her body. "Eve!" he said with genuine delight.

"Bill!" she said smiling.

The two spread their arms spontaneously to welcome the other and they locked into a firm hug. They broke the hug but stood just looking at each other and smiling for a few more moments. "It's so good to see you Bill, god, all this time I thought you were dead," said Eve with an astonished laugh.

"I feel like I've been dead," he replied, still smiling but serious at the same time. "Come on," he said, "let's get you a cup of tea," and with that he took Eve's coat, hung it on the hook by the door, and ushered her into his living room. A few minutes later he joined Eve, with a tray in his hands holding a teapot, two cups, and a plate of biscuits.

Eve smiled as he put the tray down on his dark wood old fashioned coffee table. "Custard creams!" she smiled, "you do spoil me." Bill gave a little chuckle as he poured out two cups of tea. "Thank you," said Eve, as he placed a cup on a coaster in front of her.

His host duties completed for the time being Bill sat back in his armchair. "So," he said, "you need my help."

Eve turned herself round a little to face Bill directly, "yes, I think I do," she said.

He nodded, "tell me what you think I can help with."

Eve glanced upwards, "I don't know where to start, so I'll just start at the beginning. I'm making a show with Villanelle, it's called Canoeing Eve. Basically I interview celebrities but I need to take them on a camping trip my sea kayak first to, you know, bond with them or something?"

Bill tried to politely keep his face from making any comment, "is it a Carolyn Martens production?" he asked, implying that it was shit.

Eve laughed, "yeah! It's classic Carolyn huh?" Bill allowed himself a little knowing smile before putting his non-judgemental face back on. Eve continued, "so we're at this white-water place in Northampton when my PA overhears a call, Villanelle's manager."

"Konstantin?" asked Bill.

"Yeah, Konstantin, he's on the phone to someone and he's saying something about me, and something about Anna Leonova."

Bill looked serious but he gestured for her to continue.

"So she tells me, and she says it reminded her that she heard another call when she was working with Frank Haleton last year. Same thing, my name, Anna Leonova, and something about The Twelve."

Bill couldn't hide it this time, his face drew in and he turned pale. "Do you know about The Twelve?" she asked him.

He nodded, "but tell me what else you know."

"Well," said Eve with a shrug, "not much that makes any sense to me. I spoke to Villanelle and she says she doesn't know anything about it. But I got told to look up XII Collective and I found out you made a movie with Anna Leonova and Villanelle. And I know Konstantin is something to do with it. But that's all I can really say."

Bill looked at her seriously for a moment before he spoke, "you could be in trouble Eve."

She was startled by this, "what do you mean? I am in danger?" she asked.

"Your career could be in danger. I don't think they've ever killed anyone. They just kill you in other ways," he said, mournfully.

"XII Collective?" said Eve.

"Yes, The Twelve," nodded Bill.

Eve sat open mouthed and bewildered, "well, what? Who? What do they do? Who are they?" she quizzed.

Bill leaned back in his chair, his mouth a straight tight line. He took a deep breath before he spoke, "they're a performance art collective, international, a network of artists committed to making performance art pieces in film and television."

Eve raised her eyebrows, "television?" she gasped.

Bill nodded sternly, "yes television." She felt the blood drain out of her. "They make it so the actors don't know who they're working for. You get a script and you think nothing of it. You don't realise it's one of their art pieces until you see the final edit. They made me look like a fool."

"Der Nachtklub?" asked Eve, "what happened?"

He waited a few moments, seemingly gathering up enough energy to tell his story before he began to speak.

"We had a script, it was nothing unusual, we shot it, it all seemed fine. But when I saw the final edit they had used rehearsal scenes instead of the actual ones, they left mistakes in. They had set the cameras up at strange angles so only our heads were in them, or our legs. They make the sound track not sync with the pictures. Anything that would make it look bad, amateurish, stupid," he said like he was recounting a bad memory to a therapist.

"But why?" asked Eve.

"It was a concept piece. A satire on the Hollywood film industry. On the need for perfection. On actors' egos," he finished sadly. "They ruined my career," he said quietly, "because I thought I was better than them."

Eve was puzzled, "you knew about them? I thought the actors didn't know?"

Bill nodded, "yes usually they don't, but I found out. When I first got a sniff of it I started digging around. And I thought if they want art then I can give it to them, me! The greatest actor! I was like Icarus, I thought I could fly to the sun, but they made sure I fell to the earth."

Eve thought for a while, "you weren't worried when you found out about them? You didn't think anything bad could happen?" she asked after a pause.

He shook his head regretfully, "no," he laughed, "no I wasn't worried. I was warned that they were unhappy but I didn't think they were a threat, they were a performance art collective, not the mafia! And they make regular movies too, big movies. So when you get a script usually it's something lucrative. They make a lot of money, and that pays for the art pieces. Most of the art only gets seen by about 50 people. Those arthouse movies that get played at tiny little film festivals. But Der Nacthklub got a full release." His face fell into sadness, "I didn't realise the lengths they would go to to protect their secret."

"Why didn't you just tell everyone, after Der Nachtklub came out?" Eve said, trying to understand every angle of what Bill was saying.

He shook his head, "I tried to, but the press made it a story about me being another narcissistic actor who couldn't handle the reality of how bad their performance was and blamed everyone else. They said I had lost it; I was just another big star who got so far up their own backside that I lost touch with reality. They said I was just a deranged egotist spouting batshit crazy conspiracy theories. I had an ego, I won't deny it, but I was a damn good actor. They stitched me up."

Eve's mind was a whirlpool of thoughts, ideas, memories, and concerns. Her body was gripped with an existential dread. Was her career the next victim on The Twelve's sacrificial altar. "How would I know if I was on a Twelve job?" she asked.

Bill's brow furrowed, "you can never really be sure," he answered apologetically. "The best you can do is weigh up the possibilities."

She looked at him beseechingly, "how do I do that?" she said.

He brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his cheek before he spoke, "the people, the premise, anything unusual."

Eve sat bolt upright, "oh my god," she said, "there's so much weird shit going on with this production. I'm getting paid so much money, it's ridiculous, and they got Villanelle to come and do a shitty little show like this, that'll go out on BBC 2 on a Tuesday night to, what, 500k viewers? And they're only sending a tiny crew?"

"Who else is on the project?" asked Bill.

"Uh, Jess, Hugo, Kenny, oh and Nadia," she replied.

Bill sighed, "Jess and Nadia both worked on Der Nachtklub." Eve sat open mouthed, she had literally no idea what to think. Bill sat forward, and almost in a hush he said, "I'm not sure but I've always thought Carolyn might be in on it too. She's done a lot of work with Konstantin's actors over the last twenty years. And she does make some pretty weird tv."

Eve finally did have a thought, it was fuck.


	35. Spill The Juice

Spill The Juice

Chapter 35

Konstantin opened the door of his spacious house, "Hello? Anybody home?" he called out cheerfully. There was no reply, so he hung his coat up and walked into the living room. He stopped dead in his tracks. Villanelle was standing in front of his fireplace, her face a picture of menace. "How did you get in here?" he demanded.

Lifting her hand up and pretending to blow on her nails she smiled and said, "I have a face that opens doors." She chuckled at her own joke.

Konstantin remained stony faced. He had always been a little afraid of her; there was something about her that made you feel that you could never know what she was truly capable of. "What do you want? Why are you here?" he said brusquely.

Villanelle opened her mouth in mock horror, "no hello? How are you? So nice to see you?" she said. Konstantin just stared at her. No, apparently not.

Villanelle took a few steps away from the fireplace towards Konstantin, then gestured at the long sofa. "Sit," she said, menacingly. He rubbed his beard once and then grudgingly took a seat. She hovered for a few moments before sitting at the other end of the sofa, never taking her eyes off Konstantin the whole time. He looked at her, desperately trying to glean anything from her demeanour, but she was as blank and unreadable as a freshly painted white wall. Unnervingly so. "What is this about Villanelle?" he asked, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible although he was churning inside.

She blinked and looked at him with the eyes of a snake. "I want to know what is going on," she said.

He rubbed his beard again. "With what?" he answered nervously.

She sat up and looked deeper in his eyes, "with Canoeing Eve. Why is Nadia there?" she asked coldly.

Konstantin took a few deep breaths. He was getting close to an edge that he never wanted to find himself at: the line between telling Villanelle enough and telling her too much. He wanted to be sure to tread carefully, as much for her own sake as for his. "She is good, she can do many jobs, she is worth 3 people on a shoot," he explained reasonably.

Villanelle narrowed her eyes, "I remember what she did on Der Nachtklub. She wasn't so good then. All those bad camera shots. And the rehearsals that got recorded when the camera was supposed to be turned off. I know why she's there. She's there to cause trouble, to make a mess." Her eyes shimmered like hot oil, calm on the surface but scalding underneath.

Konstantin shook his head, "no, no. She is good. She has awards. Der Nachtklub was her first job. It was your first job. And look, you are both much better now," he said, hoping this would be enough.

Villanelle tilted her head from side to side a couple of times while looking at Konstantin, like she was checking him from each angle. "Maybe," she said, and for a moment Konstantin thought that she might let it go, but she continued to speak, "but maybe not. Maybe, really, she is working for The Twelve."

Konstantin stared hard at her, deciding whether he should say anymore. "Maybe," he finally said softly.

Villanelle's eyes set into what looked like murderous intent.

He didn't put it past her that she might actually kill someone. "But maybe not," he said, "no one really knows. If the job is for The Twelve. I don't know. This is Carolyn's show. I don't know if she is making it or if The Twelve asked her to."

Villanelle's face broke suddenly from scathing to inquisitive, "she works for them too?" she asked.

Konstantin shook his head, "no, not directly. They have other companies, fronts, they make commissions with people like Carolyn. But she works for other companies all the time, there's nothing special about that. She never knows who is really behind anything."

She stared hard at him, "but is Canoeing Eve being made by The Twelve?" she demanded.

He stared back at her. "You don't need to know!" he shouted suddenly.

"You keep saying that," she shouted back, "what are they going to do if I do know? Huh?"

"You remember Bill? Hmm? How much work has he had since Der Nachtklub? None," he said heatedly. "That can happen to you too you know."

She scowled furiously; she hated the idea that anyone could be in control of her destiny. She refused to believe it was true. "Bullshit!" she spat scornfully. Konstantin suddenly broke into a laugh, "ha! You better hope it's bullshit, otherwise you'll be the next Bill." Villanelle was fuming.

He sat up and pointed to her as he spoke, "you need to stop asking questions. You are already in enough trouble with them. That stunt you pulled at the BAFTAs ruined their plans, they don't like that."

"Is Canoeing Eve the plan that I ruined?" she asked scathingly.

He looked square at her, "I can't tell you."

She scoffed, "ach, bullshit. It's all bullshit. You're bullshit. They're all bullshit," she said waving an arm out into space. "You are just trying to scare me into not asking questions. Some bunch of smart arses think they are making art and it needs to be secret because, shhh, you can't ruin the art," she said sarcastically. "And if you find out they'll ruin your career. Bull. Shit," she finished mockingly.

"It isn't just art Villanelle, it's big movies. They make big movies too. You go along with it because they make you a lot of money," he said.

She peered at him, "is it worth it?" she questioned sardonically.

He sighed, "I don't know if it's worth going along with it, but I know it's not worth pissing them off. That's a very big price to pay."

Villanelle shook her head, "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit," she said quietly but frustratedly, "BULLSHIT!" she finished. "So I need to be a good girl and not ask questions, and say my lines and take my money, huh?" she drilled at Konstantin.

"It's not, ah, they don't," he wasn't quite sure what he was trying to say. "Do you like the life you have? The movies you make? The money, the houses, the men, the women? The awards?" he asked her. "That is what you need to think about. Because if you like that life then you need to not rock the boat."

She pulled her face into a sulk. She did like those things, more than anything else. She was a nobody in a Russian jail for stealing hats before the Twelve picked her up. There was nothing about her life before that she wanted to go back to. She hated being told what to do though. More than anything.

"You don't need to like it," said Konstantin, "you are an actress, you just need to act like you do, and they won't know. Seriously Villanelle, just listen to me for once."


	36. Oh Really?

Oh Really?

Chapter 36

The sound of the front door closing made Eve jump. She knew that it must be Niko but still she was prepared for it to be someone else. She didn't think that performance art collectives broke into peoples' houses, but she wasn't feeling entirely rational right now. It was Niko, of course, and she was at once both relieved and filled with trepidation. What new, venomous argument would they have now? She didn't really have time for it, nor the energy, she needed to be ready to leave in an hour for the final shoot and was still somewhere between replying to emails and packing her bag.

They did at least have some kind of routine though. Niko would drop off whatever he was dropping off, go upstairs and get more of whatever he needed, pack it neatly, then come downstairs and argue with Eve. While he was upstairs she put her focus on the emails. She was just getting into a flow when he appeared, why didn't he take longer? She hadn't primed herself to start the shouting match so soon. He signalled that the first round had begun by scowling. "Big shoot?" he sneered, "bet you can't wait. Can't wait to spend a week inside her sleeping bag."

Eve huffed indignantly, "I will not be in her sleeping bag. How many times do I have to say this? I am not fucking her."

Niko scowled even more, "ha! I'll believe it when I can't see it, as clear as fucking day!"

Eve shrugged dejectedly, "Niko I don't know what else to say. I'm not fucking her. I'm not interested in fucking her."

Niko went through an array of micro expressions before he burst out, "it doesn't look like you're not interested!"

Eve looked stunned, "what do you mean?" she asked.

He shifted his weight around and twisted his mouth, looking up and then at the floor. "You're obsessed with her!" he finally spat out, "if you're not with her you're looking her up on the internet."

Eve leapt up from where she was sitting to face off with him properly, mano a mano. "Hey," she said forcefully, "that was research." Niko made a slight "pah" sound, and Eve became enraged. "Have you even listened to what I've been saying? Do you have any idea what kind of shit I could be in?"

"Apart from the shit you've gotten yourself into by letting Villanelle into your knickers?" Niko scoffed.

She was sorely tempted to smack him, but held her composure, just. She took a deep breath. "If I tell you, will you listen?" she said as calmly as she could muster.

"About you and Villanelle?" he said scathingly.

"No," she said, "about how I might never work again if this is what I think it is."

He rolled his eyes, tv presenters are performers but god she could be such a drama queen sometimes, he thought. "Go on then, I'm all ears," he said sarcastically.

She clenched her teeth and then forced herself to relax, I'm calm, I'm calm. "I think I'm being set up," she said, "by The Twelve."

Niko scrunched his face up, "who the fuck are they?" he said in confusion.

"They're a performance art collective. They make tv and movies. Mostly they make legit stuff but sometimes they make an art piece," she explained.

He was no less confused, "so?" he said quizzically.

Eve sighed; this wasn't so easy to explain after all. "You remember Bill, Bill Pargrave?"

Niko nodded, "yeah?"

"Well Bill isn't dead, I saw him yesterday, I spoke to him about The Twelve. He told me they made a film with him and they edited to make him look bad because he had found out about them. And when he tried to tell everyone about them they didn't believe him because everyone thought he had lost it when they saw how bad he was in the movie."

Niko had no reaction, none of this made any sense so far. "What the fuck? What has this got to do with you?" he asked in bewilderment.

"I think The Twelve commissioned Canoeing Eve," she said, thinking that this would shock Niko.

He furrowed his brow, "you think it's some kind of performance art piece? About canoes? What?"

Eve shook her head, "I don't know. It might be, but it might be legit. They make regular stuff too, to make money to pay for the art pieces. It might just be a regular job."

Niko didn't know what to think. "Why don't you ask Carolyn if it's them?" he asked, seemed like a rational thing to do.

Eve shook her head again, "I can't, she won't know. They don't just walk up to people and go "Hi, we're The Twelve, we wanna make a tv show". They use fronts. She won't know. And if you know too much they come for you, like they did with Bill."

He humoured her briefly. "What makes you think it's them then?" he asked, with a tinge of mockery.

"Villanelle," she said, "her first movie was the one that stitched Bill up. Jess and Nadia, they both worked on the same movie. Konstantin manages Villanelle so he's obviously in on it. Carolyn had done loads of work with Konstantin's actors over the years. And because it's weird. They're paying me triple what this kind of job is worth. Because it doesn't make sense. Because Kenny told me to look them up. He obviously thinks it's them." She waved her hands pleadingly, "and Anna Leonova, the Russian actress? The one Elena heard them talking about in connection with me? She was in that movie too."

Niko shrugged, it still didn't make sense, "so why don't you just pull out if you think it's them?"

"Because it might be legit! Because I need the money!" she said emphasising each point, "Because I haven't made anything this big for years!"

Niko bristled, "maybe that's not the real reason," he said, moving his shoulders as if he was squaring up to her, "maybe you're not pulling out because of her," he finished accusatively.

"No!" she insisted.

"Maybe you don't even know why you're not pulling out," he continued in the same tone. Eve shook her head, incredulous that he could think she was lying. "Maybe," he said, "you're telling me this crazy fucking story because you're trying to excuse your fucking weird obsessive behaviour, because really all this is about is the fact that you can't admit to yourself that you want to fuck her."

"Yeah?" said Eve curiously, "well you know what?" she continued calmly, "fuck you Niko. Fuck. You."

He shot her a furious look, then spun away and straight out the front door. She stood shaking her head long after he was gone, fuck you. In her incredulousness suddenly an idea burst forth. Anna Leonova. She wondered if she would actually talk. Maybe she doesn't know anything about The Twelve either, but maybe she knows something that might help her to know if this was one of their jobs.

She went straight to her phone and called Elena. "Hey, I've only got half an hour left before my taxi comes, could you speak to Bill? Ask him if he has any contact details for Anna Leonova? You're an angel! Thank you!" and with that she ended the call and went straight to where her half-packed bag was sitting.


	37. International Woman of Mystery

International Woman of Mystery

Chapter 37

"Ah fuck," said Eve looking up at the departures board. Her flight to Scotland was delayed, now by an extra hour. She had no idea what the issue was but Carolyn had paid for her to have a seat in the business lounge, so she was at least a bit more comfortable than usual. She glanced at her phone, no notifications. She had been waiting long enough that she had already managed to clear the backlog. Now what?

An errant impulse to message Villanelle shot through her system, she was the one person who would understand fully quite how bored she was. No. Don't. She sighed. Just at that her phone lit up. Elena. "Anna has given me a number, says u can call." Eve sat up staring at her phone, should she try the number now? Wait, is Anna in Russia? What's the time difference between London and Russia? Oh, fuck, too many things to think about. Just dial the number, she thought to herself.

She tapped on the link in Elena's message and the number began to connect. It seemed like an age before anything happened, she looked at the screen more than once to check that it was still dialling. Finally the ringing tone started, a single beep, repeated. It was reminiscent of the Polish ring but felt like it had a greater sense of urgency about it. Ok, thought Eve, it's definitely somewhere abroad.

After a few of these beeps and answerphone message kicked in. It was in Russian of course; Eve didn't understand a word of it but just waited for the tone that signalled that she could speak. "Uh hi, er, hello. This is Eve Polastri, I'm looking for Anna Leonova. Uh, thank you agreeing to talk to me, and, uh, I'll hope to speak to you soon. Bye." She ended the call and looked at the phone for a few moments. Well, just see what happens next, she thought.

Mentally she started doing the maths of how much phone signal she was going to have over the next week: phone off for an hour in the plane, back on at Glasgow Airport, probably no signal once they got into the mountains on the drive north to Fort William, maybe signal at the hotel, but then none in the middle of nowhere once they hit the water for the rest of the week. Ah shit! She realised she couldn't take a call from Anna while she was with the others, even if she did have a signal. She needed to keep this hush hush. If The Twelve think I know something then they'll Bill me, she thought. She sighed again. If only life could be easy. Her phone rang. Anna.

"Hello, Anna?" she said.

"Yes, hello, this is Anna," answered a woman's voice, clearly in a Russian accent but the English words spoken smoothly and confidently.

"Ah, well hello, thank you for calling me back, I didn't know what the time difference was between you and London. Sorry if I disturbed you," said Eve.

Anna gave a small but reassuring laugh, "oh, no. You did not disturb me. I was happy that you decided to call me so quickly. When your assistant told me your story I wanted to speak to you straight away."

Eve gave a little grimace, why the urgency? She took a breath to keep the sense of dread from taking hold. "What do you know about The Twelve?" asked Eve.

"No more than anyone else," Anna quickly responded.

Eve had a sense that this was her stock answer, maybe she wasn't going to be as forthcoming as she hoped. Her tone hadn't been defensive, but it was certainly guarded. Let's cut to the chase then, thought Eve. "You don't want to talk about them?" she asked with an open voice. There was a brief pause.

Anna began speaking as if starting a new chapter, "I will tell you about Oksana," she said.

"Oksana? Is that Villanelle?" said Eve, slightly taken by surprise.

"Yes, they gave her that name for the film, but she was always Oksana to me," said Anna, betraying a little sentiment in her voice.

Oksana. Eve had to keep her own mind on the task at hand, otherwise she was likely to be pulled off into sentiment too. Little Oksana. She refocussed herself. "They? The Twelve?" Ah crap, she wasn't going to talk about them; Eve hoped she hadn't put Anna's back up.

"Who can say?" she replied, making it clear to Eve that the answer was yes.

Eve smiled; Anna seemed to be more open than she had first hoped. "Do you think she works for them? Directly?" she said.

"I don't know," came back Anna quickly, "I know she was in prison and Konstantin picked her out for training."

Eve was curious, "what kind of training?" "Acting, dancing, singing, languages, martial arts, stunts, everything," said Anna matter of factly.

"Konstantin works for them?" There was a pause.

"Who can say?"

"Do you know why she was in prison?"

"Oh," Anna laughed, "something stupid like stealing hats, it was not serious."

Eve gave a nervous laugh, "ha, so she didn't kill anyone or anything?"

Anna gave another little laugh, "no, I don't think so."

The thought of Villanelle being an ex-prisoner was a surprise to Eve, but she was almost more surprised that she wasn't a murderer. She could imagine those cold eyes gleaming over the still warm dead body of a love rival. An image of Niko popped into her head. She shook her head sharply. Don't think like that. Anna seemed to be warmed up a little, Eve decided to see what she would say about the relationship Villanelle said she had always denied. "So what happened with you and Oksana?" she said as gently as she could.

"Oh," said Anna, "well, I was to mentor her, it was her first film, her first job. She didn't know anything about being on set, she was like a little child going to the big school. I helped her, looked after her."

Eve was chuckling at the image of Villanelle on her first day at the big school, she was such a slick smart ass now that it was almost nice to imagine that she could have been awkward and naive at some point in her life. "Did you have a relationship with her?" Eve probed, hoping she might be forthcoming.

"No," she replied calmly.

"She says you did," Eve answered carefully.

"No, she misunderstood. She was a teenager. She became obsessed with me. She thought that the things I said meant something else."

Eve raised an eyebrow, for once she actually thought Villanelle was more likely to be telling the truth. "Why would she think that?" she asked in a quizzical tone.

Anna paused for a moment. "It's hard to know what she thinks," she began with a note of exasperation in her voice, "when they gave her the new name I almost felt like she became a different person. It was like she never stopped acting. Sometimes I wondered if she was just acting what it would be like to be in love." Despite being an actress Anna couldn't conceal the wash sadness that coloured her voice, "I never knew if what she said was real or not."


	38. Many a Mickle Maks a Something

Many a Mickle Maks a Something

Chapter 38

The journey to the hotel had taken nearly 5 hours in total, but it still hadn't been enough time for Eve to process it all. She had been thinking about it constantly since she had to finish the call with Anna to go to the departure gate, but she hadn't found anything to make her feel like her world had any firm foundations. She didn't know what to believe. No sooner than she thought she had figured out that something must be true than another piece of information popped into her head that brought it all crashing down, no, no, it's a lie. Her mind was a site of constant motion, this thought, that though, like an enormous train station where none of the trains stopped at the platforms, they just kept swooshing past.

A cigarette became the only thought that she could make sense of. But she didn't smoke, and even if she did you couldn't smoke inside taxis anymore. It was dark outside, and the orange lit streets of Glasgow were long behind them. All she could see was inky blackness of vast dark skies, and nothing else. "Say Jamesie, where are we?" she asked the driver, the absence of anything to orientate herself briefly pulling her out of her vortex of thoughts.

"Glencoe," he replied, "ye know, where the massacre happened." Eve sighed; she quite liked the idea of being massacred right now. "The Campbells and the MacDonalds," he continued, quite uninvited.

"Oh?" said Eve pithily, "couldn't decide if they wanted soup or burgers?"

"Naw!" said Jamesie indignantly, "Clan Campbell and Clan MacDonald!"

"There can be only one!" said Eve unenthusiastically.

"Ah don't think yer very interested," said Jamesie.

"No, you're right. I'm not. Sorry, I've just got a lot of things on my mind," said Eve.

"Man trouble?" chimed Jamesie.

"No," said Eve shaking her head, "not man trouble."

"Wummin trouble then?"

Eve was momentarily taken aback but this was Scotland, not London. No question is out of bounds here. "Uh, no, not that," said Eve uncomfortably. "How long til we get to the hotel?" she asked.

"Oh, about another hour," said Jamesie.

Eve sighed again. "Tell me about the massacre then," she said mournfully.

They arrived at the hotel just before midnight. Eve found that the public areas were empty; the bar had closed and there was no one to be seen. She checked in at reception where a note had been left for her. "Meet in lobby at 6am. Carolyn." As she navigated her way past the doors to find her own room she wondered where Villanelle was. Probably in some chateaux they had on the top floor or something, with a hot tub and an infinity pool. This was architecturally impossible but still it was the image that came first to her mind. She made her way down the creaky corridors to her room and let herself in.

The cool static air of an empty hotel room can be grounding after the heat and perpetual motion of travel, and for a brief moment Eve felt her mind stop. She put her bag down and dropped herself onto the bed. It was like sinking into a marshmallow, the quilt too thick and the mattress too soft. But it was a bed, and it wasn't moving, so it felt like a blessing. She smiled a little as she heard the quiet sawing noise of someone snoring from a nearby room. Other people. She wasn't alone. She made an effort to relax her body but it was still restless from the journey, and from her endless thoughts. Minibars were a rarity these days in the UK, she was both sad and relieved about this at the same time, she felt like she would have drunk one dry if there was one.

Villanelle or Oksana? Her mind started wondering what name she thought suited her better. Oksana sounded softer, more human. She could imagine a seventeen-year-old Oksana more easily than a seventeen-year-old Villanelle. When she tried to imagine Villanelle as a seventeen-year-old what she got was an actress playing the part of a seventeen-year-old, just a bit too smart and savvy to be like the real thing. Oh god she suddenly thought, maybe she wasn't even seventeen, maybe it was part of the act? What the hell was real?

She quickly found herself swimming in her thoughts again. She was pretty sure Anna was lying about their relationship, she could hear the affection in her voice for Oksana. If you really didn't have a relationship with someone, if they were just obsessed with you and deluded about your feelings for them then you'd be creeped out by them, thought Eve. No Anna was clearly too fond of Oksana for this to be the case. And of all the things that Villanelle said, the things she said about Anna sounded the most truthful.

But Villanelle was an actress, and a liar. That she did know was true. She could make anything sound believable. Even that she was in love with Anna. A dull pain cut into the middle of Eve's chest. She could make anyone believe that she was in love with them. Eve acknowledged the feeling of pain but didn't acknowledge what the cause was. Villanelle started acting and never stopped, perhaps Villanelle wasn't a name but a character.

Eve sat up from the bed, almost panting to catch a breath. Her body was trembling as she breathed in sharply and blew out hard. Could anyone be so twisted she thought? She gripped hard onto the quilt, she desperately needed to feel like she was still attached to the earth. Would they really put her in character and send her to fuck with her head, to fuck with her life thought Eve. Is that art? Fucking with peoples' lives? Like they done to Bill? But were they fucking with her before the shoot even started?

Her mind was panicked as she tried to think back through all her memories of Villanelle, she didn't know if she wanted it all to be true or all to be fake, but she searched through her mind for every conversation, every message, every look, every gesture for clues. Then suddenly the room was gone, and the bed. She could no longer feel the quilt that was gripped tightly in bunches in her fists.

She was looking in a mirror, fixing her hair, and at her side was Villanelle, staring at her. The experience was otherworldly, but she realised now that this was exactly how it felt at the time. This curious creature with her shimmering eyes held Eve in her gaze for what felt like forever, and when she spoke it was like a siren's song, compelling, hypnotic, irresistible. "Wear it down." Like the final words of an incantation it sent the spell sweeping from the top of Eve's head, through every fibre and down to the soles of her feet. Eve gasped, she had cast a spell, Eve had been possessed since that moment. Or had she been cursed? Was it all deception?

Nothing about what had happened to Eve on that night at the BAFTAs had ever made any sense to her, but now finally she had a shocking narrative that made everything fall into place. Villanelle, the character, was tasked with a conspiracy against Eve that would start with her public mockery and culminate in her demise in a kayak somewhere off the coast of Scotland. Oh my god, that was it. It must be. She fell back onto the bed, wide eyed and open mouthed, only the veil of sleep finally releasing her from her daze.


	39. Bring It

Bring It

Chapter 39

She didn't know when she had fallen asleep, but she was grateful that her body was capable of sorting these things out itself. She awoke feeling not the panic of the night before but instead a feeling of not being completely there. In a more rational state she would know this was a bad thing, but she found it to be an improvement. She readied herself quickly and dashed down the long hallway and down the stairs to the lobby. I'll fucking get down there, and get Villanelle, and get it out of her, she thought as she got to the bottom of the stairs.

But her momentum was stopped by the sight of the camera, already rolling. Shit, we've already started, she thought. She clenched her teeth and took a deep breath. She would need to put her game face on. Act natural. She saw Villanelle talking to Carolyn, the camera was on the two of them so she had a few more moments to get into the zone.

Villanelle spotted her and smiled warmly, "hey Eve! Good morning! How was your journey?"

Eve walked into the camera shot and smiled stiffly at Villanelle, "yeah, it was quite long, but it was ok." She paused awkwardly, "so. You ready for this?" she said painfully cheerfully through gritted teeth.

Villanelle beamed and answered like a holiday rep, "yeah! Really looking forward to this. I'm sure it will be tough sometimes but it will be such a great experience."

If Eve wasn't being so false herself she might have been a bit more put out by Villanelle's over eagerness, but her mind was occupied with sorting her own shit out. "I think it will be quite an experience," said Eve with such bonhomie that it was almost creepy.

"Cut!" said Jess.

"Fucking," said Eve under her breathing, "uh, didn't say we'd be starting straight away," she said her voice becoming clearer as she spoke to Carolyn.

"No," said Carolyn in her usual clipped tone, "but you're a pro." She looked around at the crew, "come on, let's go."

Jess nodded, and they all filed out the door to the waiting bus. Villanelle allowed the crew to go through the door first, leaving her and Eve briefly alone. She smiled softly at Eve, "I'm glad you made it," she said almost in a whisper, "I was worried you would be late."

"Yeah?" said Eve loudly leaning her head away from Villanelle as she spoke. She peered at Villanelle for a moment. "I need to talk to you," she quietly in a stern voice. "Sure," said Villanelle, unconcerned.

"Privately," said Eve.

"Ok," said Villanelle, with a little chuckle, "later then."

For once the two women shared a thought: both wondered how they would get through the day without exploding. Villanelle from desire, and Eve from blind fury. Both also wondered if their game faces would be good enough to cover their true feelings. Villanelle, ever the wishful thinker, was sure that the private conversation they would be having later would be Eve finally confessing her feelings and telling her that she wanted to be with her.

Eve wasn't sure what the conversation she had in mind was actually going to turn out like, but it mostly involved her saying fuck a lot, and fuck you, you fucking lying toad fucking fucker. They both knew they had a job to do first though, and in that regard it was fortunate that neither of them was fully being their true self. Eager to cover their tracks both were as obliging as humanly possible.

The hotel was only ten minutes away from the launch where they were to get their dry suits and the kayak, and the crew boat was already loaded and waiting. The short drive was passed with inane pleasantries, how was your journey? Flight got delayed by 2 hours. Oh no, what time did you get here? About midnight. Did you get any dinner? Grabbed a burger at the airport. You must be exhausted. No, I'm fine really, fresh air will do me good. Eve had never wanted to be a serial killer before, but the mundaneness of the conversation jarred so badly against her internal fury that she thought about killing everyone on the bus. With something blunt. Like a spoon perhaps. She smiled. It was the best thought she had had in days.

They arrived, but Eve and Villanelle had to wait while the crew got out to line up some shots of them getting out the bus and going off to get ready. Eve sat like a mannequin in a shop window, staring blankly ahead of her. Villanelle glanced over at her, but she got no response. "She must be so nervous about telling me that she can't even look," thought Villanelle, misguidedly.

Jess swung her head in the open door, "Ready?"

"Yes," said Villanelle. Eve nodded stiffly.

"OK," said Jess, leaning back out of the door, "action!"

The two remained in virtual silence the whole time that they got ready; despite being out of sight of the camera both felt like they needed to stay in work mode. As they came back out to the rolling camera they both became animated with strenuous friendliness, smiling woodenly and generally acting like weirdos. Jess leaned over to Carolyn who was standing slightly behind her. "Are they ok?" she said quietly.

Carolyn raised her eyebrows, "seem fine to me," she said briskly.

Ok then, thought Jess, deciding it was probably better to not ask any more questions. "Cut!"

The scenes to camera felt like being underwater, and every time Jess called cut Eve took a deep breath in. "She's dying!" thought Villanelle, who felt like she might die too. Jess walked from behind the camera to where the two were standing. The kayak was sitting on the ground next to them. "Ok, so what we want next is a little bit of a chat between the two of you about how Villanelle thinks her past experiences will help her on the trip, yeah?" said Jess.

Eve nodded, "yep."

Villanelle also gave a nod.

As Jess was walking away Eve turned to face Villanelle and a little spark of malice glistened in her eyes. She imagined how delicious it might feel to ask her if stealing hats and being in a Russian prison gave her a broad range of transferable skills that she thought would come in handy.

"Action!"

She put her tv smile back on and doused the fire in her eyes, "so Villanelle, you've had an interesting life, you must have learnt some things along the way that will help you out on the water," said Eve intently.

Villanelle nodded, "yeah, I've learnt a lot of things over the years. I think the thing that will help the most is that I do a lot of my own stunts so I don't mind doing things that are scary or uncomfortable."

"And I suppose," said Eve in a forced cheerful voice, "even if you were scared you can just act like you're not, ha ha ha!" Eve broke into a maniacal laugh which even Villanelle found disconcerting.

"Ha, yes, I suppose I could," said Villanelle, trying to sound like she was laughing but was mostly a little freaked out.

"Because you're an actress! Ha ha ha!" continued Eve, except she was the only one who seemed to understand the joke.

"Uh, cut!" said Jess. She went up to Eve who was still laughing, taking her elbow and turning the two of them away from the others. "Eve are you ok?" she said in a hushed voice.

Eve looked at her serious expression and began laughing even more. "Am I ok?" she answered in a strange tone, "am I ok? Ha ha ha! I'm amazing, I'm just fucking amazing thanks," she finished sarcastically.

Jess looked at her in concern for a few moments, then turned around to the crew and called, "can someone bring the beta blockers please?"

Eve chuckled as she spoke, "I'm not anxious, I don't need those!"

Jess looked at her calmly, "no but I do. You should have a couple, takes the edge off."

"Sure," said Eve with a shrug, "why the hell not?"


	40. Gotcha

Gotcha

Chapter 40

The day got much better after the beta blockers, for Jess anyway. Eve thought that her day had gotten better, she felt as if she had taken on the untouchable air of an assassin. She imagined that this was how an archer felt as they became one with their target, the stillness seemed to spread out in every direction from the centre of her being and stretched as far as the eye could see. This didn't make the conversation flow any better, her screen presence was now just as stilted but with an added edge of unsettling calm. Villanelle had been in much worse situations than this and was unfazed by anything that was going on. As was Carolyn. It's just a tv shoot. Nothing to see here. 

They reached their first camp and with no delays got everything set up. They were just about to film a jolly campfire scene when great splots of rain began tumbling down on them. In the space of only a few seconds the rain became a heavy wall of water. All scattered quickly to the shelter of their requisite tents.

Inside their tiny tent Villanelle wiped the rain off her face but Eve, propped on her elbows, seemed to not even notice the water that was running down her cheeks and dripping from her chin. She listened closely to the sounds, the sound of the crew zipping themselves into their tent, the drum of the rain on the skin of the tent, the drill of the raindrops as they hit the ground. Perfect, she thought, no one will hear us.

Villanelle saw a little smile take the corners of Eve's mouth and felt that the time had come. She slid down the tent to be level with Eve, and said gently, "so we can talk now?"

Eve started nodding, "yeah, we can talk."

"So," said Villanelle smoothly, "what do you want to talk about?"

"Let's talk about you huh?" said Eve in a calm but ever so slightly menacing tone.

Villanelle raised an eyebrow rakishly, "sure."

Eve was still on her elbows, not looking. "So Villanelle," she began in a bright voice, "or should I say Oksana?" and finally she turned to look her companion in the eyes.

Villanelle didn't give much away, she seemed untroubled by this. "So you know then?" she said calmly.

Eve smiled, "yes I know, I know all about you. I know you were in prison. And I know you got picked up by Konstantin. And I know you got trained by The Twelve. And I know you're a very good actress." She stopped and looked hard into Villanelle's eyes, "and I know you've been working on this job since the BAFTAs," she said tersely, her mouth barely opening as she spoke.

Suddenly Villanelle's face changed, her eyebrows raised and her mouth open, she shook her head, "no!" she insisted, "no!"

Eve spat out an indignant laugh, "how am I supposed to believe you? You're an actress."

Villanelle shook her head again, "no, it's true. I'm not on a job. No one told me to do what I did."

Now Eve shook her head, in disbelief, "yeah? So it all just happened by coincidence? That you saw me in the toilets and freaked me out, and then 'just happened to win the award I was presenting’ and pinched my ass and made me look like a fucking fool! In front of the whole world?" She stared at Villanelle, daring her to deny it.

For once Villanelle felt like she didn't know what to say, she floundered for a few moments before realising that she had to tell the truth. Whatever the hell that was. She felt an unusual twinge of anxiety. She gathered herself as best she could for her leap into the unknown, she was going to tell Eve the truth. "Please," she said, "listen."

The predator turned prey, she was now in the position she had imagined that Eve was going to be in, nervous and scared, and about to put her heart on the line. "There is no job. There is no script. This is all real," she said softly. Eve raised an eyebrow. "Honestly. I didn't mean for things to happen like that at the BAFTAs. I was stupid. Intoxicated."

You were drunk?" said Eve in a little surprise.

"No," replied Villanelle, "I wasn't drinking, I mean I was... lost, in you." She held her soft gaze on Eve, her insides churning. She felt so exposed. Eve didn't react. She continued speaking, her tone growing more pleading, "When I saw you in the toilets, I just, ah, I just lost my brain. I could do nothing but look at you."

Eve remembered that strange look on Villanelle's face that night, that intense stare that had made no sense to her at the time. Like a woman with no brain cells, yes that's exactly what it looked like. Don't let her fool you, she suddenly remembered. "Yeah?" said Eve cynically, "and what about pinching my ass? Was that supposed to be smooth? Coz lemme tell you honey that wasn't smooth."

Villanelle dropped her eyes, apparently a little embarrassed. "No, it wasn't smooth," she said with a timid laugh, "it was stupid."

Eve nodded, "yeah, I'm glad we can agree on that."

Villanelle lifted her eyes up again, she felt so unfamiliar with all of this. Normally she would put on some big puppy eyes, or squeeze out some tears, but this telling the truth was completely different. Her eyes instead were scared, and her voice was feeble, "I was so overwhelmed to be near you, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. Because now I know you, who you really are, I would never do that to you."

No, it can't be true. She can't mean this. It can't be real. It must be an act. She put it all on. To seduce me, like she seduced Anna. It can't be true because if it's not then, then, how do I feel? thought Eve. An unbearable feeling gripped Eve, gripped at her bones, at her guts. It made her feel like she wanted to rip out her skeleton and throw it away, and all her insides with it. Anything to make it stop. Make it stop. She stared at Villanelle in terror.

Villanelle didn't understand what this meant, she peered at Eve trying to know what was going on. "Eve?" she said hesitantly.

"No," said Eve, her voice shaking, "no. That can't be true. It can't be."

"It is! Eve it is! I love you!" said Villanelle imploringly.

"No," spat Eve, "no, you don't."

"I do! I love you!" said Villanelle more forcefully.

"You don't know what that means!" barked Eve and leapt out of the tent into the driving rain with the swiftness of a cat. She didn't know where she was going but she stormed away from the little tent, Villanelle's pleading calls growing quieter as she marched off, her legs threatening to buckle underneath her.

"Going somewhere?" came the voice from nowhere. Standing in the rain under a Wimbledon umbrella was Carolyn. Eve stood completely frozen for a few moments just staring at Carolyn. In only a minute in the rain she was now completely soaked through and her normally curly hair clung hung in messy wet waves. Carolyn was her usual impassive self. "Don't just stand there getting wet. At least come and stand under my umbrella," she said snappily. "Ella, ella, eh, eh," she said flatly once Eve had joined her.

Eve just sighed, "Carolyn, why are you so weird?"

Carolyn thought for a minute, "just lucky, I suppose."


	41. Who Knows What No one Knows?

Who Knows What No one Knows?

Chapter 41

Carolyn stood silently, looking at Eve like the page of a newspaper for some minutes. Finally, she spoke. "Did you fall out or something?"

Eve stood in a stupor, the words hardly seemed to reach her brain, but then suddenly she became animated and stepped closer to Carolyn. "You know all about this," said Eve accusatively.

"Well," said Carolyn calmly, "it's pretty obvious."

Eve shot her a scorching look, "I don't mean that!" she snapped, "I mean The Twelve. You know all about how they've been setting me up since the BAFTAs," she said jabbing a finger towards Carolyn.

Carolyn remained entirely unmoved. She stayed silent for a good minute, then said, "I know as much as anyone else."

Eve was furious, "what the fuck does that mean? How much does everyone else know?" she shouted.

Carolyn thought for a moment, "I don't know. No one ever says."

Eve stared hard at Carolyn's face, trying to decide if she wanted to punch it or not.

"Look," said Carolyn, "I only know what I know. And I don't know if that's much. But I know that they weren't happy with Villanelle after the BAFTAs."

"What do you mean?" asked Eve.

She paused. "I don't know exactly but Konstantin had a lot of work to do, to make it ok. If they _were_ setting you up at the BAFTAs then it seems like things didn't turn out the way they wanted."

"What about this then, huh? Canoeing Eve? Is this one of their plans? Are they paying for this?"

Carolyn peered at Eve for a moment, "I don't know," she said.

Eve threw her hands up in frustration, "fucking, of course you're going to say that. No one knows, right?" she finished sarcastically. "Seems like plenty of fucking people know actually!" said Eve laughing incredulously.

"Hmm," said Carolyn, "yes it's all a bit cloak and dagger isn't it? No one ever really knows, not unless they're one of The Twelve, the rest of us just get bits and pieces of information here and there." She paused in her usual style, it seemed like she could never say more than a few sentences without needing a break. "Even if it is a Twelve job that isn't necessarily a bad thing," she said.

Eve furrowed her brow, "what do you mean?" she asked.

"They pay good money. They make big shows. People get exposure," replied Carolyn.

"Like how they exposed Bill you mean?" quizzed Eve.

"That was different. He crossed a line. They gave him an inch and he shot himself in the foot with it."

Eve shook her head, why couldn't she just talk sense? "Are you saying that I shouldn't be worried because they won't do to me what they done to Bill?"

Carolyn remained silent for a painfully long time, "I don't know." Eve grunted in frustration. "But," said Carolyn in a chipper tone, "I don't think they've done it to anyone since, so you might be in luck."

"Thanks, Carolyn, that really makes me feel so much better," Eve said sarcastically. She shook her head desolately and looked at the ground. Suddenly she lifted her head up and fixed her eyes on Carolyn, "tell me why I shouldn't pull out right now, huh? Why shouldn't I just fuck the whole fucking thing right now?"

Carolyn looked at her sternly, "that's a hell of a risk to take."

"What do you mean? Risk?" quizzed Eve.

"Well," said Carolyn, "you'd be throwing away a lot of money. This is a big pay cheque. And there's potential for more series. This is the biggest job you've had for years. And if they did want to do a Bill on you, well, there's already enough film in the can for that."

Eve couldn't really tell if she was making a point or making a threat, but that was just Carolyn all over.

"This isn't about The Twelve though is it?" said Carolyn. "It's about you. And Villanelle. Got bored with the moustache then some hottie turns up. And you thought why not? If I was half your age maybe I'd think the same, if she was putting on a plate for me."

Eve was too stunned to even know how to respond. "There's nothing going on," said Eve.

Carolyn perked an eyebrow up, "on a plate Eve. There for the taking. As much as you want."

"But I don't want," insisted Eve.

Carolyn scoffed, "you don't need to be prim with me Eve. I know she's got you by the balls."

"I haven't got balls Carolyn," said Eve flatly.

"I meant figuratively," corrected Carolyn.

"Why don't you go back to your tent and have a little taste of the good life? Hmm? Nothing wrong with expanding your palate. If you don't like it then at least you know. It'd be better than all of this denial. It's terribly," she thought for a moment, “hysterical Eve. And that's so unbecoming of you."

Eve shook her head, "no, I'm married. I've got a husband. I've already made a commitment to being with Niko, come hell or high water, no matter what else gets laid out on a plate or individually hand wrapped for me."

Carolyn looked straight at Eve, "where is your husband?" she asked knowingly.

Eve scoffed, "huh, I don't know, Carolyn. I don't know. He walked out on me weeks ago because of her."

Carolyn shook her head, "no Eve, he walked out on you because of you," she said matter of factly.

She was right. Eve took a deep breath and sighed. She was right. Maybe Villanelle was plating herself up and offering herself as sexy an all you can eat Russian buffet, but Eve was the one sitting in the restaurant.

"So maybe what's on the plate looks good, but I don't think it’s worth eating it. Maybe it’s just too high a price to pay," said Eve.

Carolyn smiled, "but the more it costs, the better it tastes, don't you think?"

Eve threw her hands up, "I don't know what I think Carolyn. I don't know what I feel. No. No, I know how I feel, but I don't want to. I don't want to feel like this. Not about her. It's not about her being a woman, it's about her being her. Who is she Carolyn? I mean really, just who is she? One minute she's this and then the next she's that. Is she lying? Is she telling the truth? Is she real?"

Carolyn thought for a moment, "are any of us?"

Eve realised that Carolyn was probably not the right person to pose this question to, especially since she seemed to think it was a rhetorical one. Still she noticed that the gnawing feeling that make her want to pull her guts out was abating. It's good to talk, she thought drolly.

"We've got weed. In the tent. You should have some," said Carolyn.

Eve shrugged defeatedly, "sure, whatever."

Carolyn switched the hand that was holding the umbrella, and put her now free arm around Eve's shoulders, "women," she said, "the first one is always the hardest." They walked off together towards the crew tent, "but they never get any easier," she continued.

"Yeah, whatever," said Eve, "I want a whole joint to myself."

Some three hours later she stumbled into the tiny tent where Villanelle was lying in the dark, trying vainly to sleep. "Eve? Are you ok?" she whispered in concern.

"Yeah!" blurted Eve, "yeeaaahhh, I'm good, yeah."

Villanelle peered into the darkness, "Eve are you stoned?"

Eve sniggered, "No! Ha ha ha! Shhhh!"

Villanelle stifled a laugh; Eve was clearly as baked as a cake. She put a sensible sounding voice on, "you should go to sleep Eve, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow."

"Yeaahhh! I should sleep, you're sooo right." Eve scrabbled around for what seemed like an age, "fucking, how do you even get into these things?" she mumbled, but eventually found the opening to her sleeping bag, crawled in and promptly fell asleep.


	42. Maybe It's Not So Bad

Maybe It’s Not So Bad

Chapter 42

Eve woke sluggishly; for the first few seconds she thought she was in her own bed at home but then the rocks under her sleeping mat and the incessant rustle of the synthetic skin of the tent reminded her that she was instead somewhere on the West coast of Scotland. She stretched lazily and then noticed that there was no solid Russian mass impeding her. Villanelle wasn't on her mat. She momentarily felt herself caught between being concerned and taking advantage of the extra space, both physical and personal. She could do both, she decided as she delighted in stretching her limbs and wondered where Villanelle was. The sound of metal making contact with rock answered her question, she was outside, nearby, possibly drinking coffee.

She noticed the sense of relief that came up when she knew where Villanelle was, and that she sounded like she was getting on with the day in a normal way. Drinking coffee in the morning shows some degree of self-care that suggests she wasn't having an emotional breakdown. Eve sighed; her mind was quiet. Without the thoughts of her own issues filling the space she thought of last night's conversation. About Villanelle's timid voice and her pleading eyes. She knew she was an actress, but there was something very real about. If what Villanelle said last night was true, then the poor girl must feel all hung out to dry right now. Eve felt a twinge of empathy for her, hell sympathy even; she'd been in that position before, and it feels like shit.

Maybe she could tread a line between being delicate with Villanelle's feelings and not indulging her own. So maybe Villanelle is lying but it doesn't hurt to treat someone with a bit of humanity, it doesn't cost anything. Not if she kept her own desires in check. She remembered what she said to Carolyn, that she didn't think the price was worth paying to satisfy her own curiosity, to bolster her ego by bedding the biggest actress in the world. Sure, it might feel delicious for a while but something that rich could only lead to indigestion. Ok, she thought, I can go easy on the girl. She has feelings. Maybe she's feeling like shit right now. I'm a big girl, I can keep my own shit in check, I can do that for her. She took a deep breath in and breathed out long and slow. Ok, I can do this.

She wriggled out of her sleeping bag unzipped the door of the tent. The bright light and cool air flooded in and Eve paused for a moment to take in the scene. She hadn't really appreciated the surroundings yesterday, too caught up in her internal world, but as she gazed out of the tent that fine morning the majesty of the mountains and the sparkle of the sunlight catching the light waves on the sea was moving. "Wow," she said, "it's beautiful." She clambered out of the tent in an ungainly way and stood looking around at the scenery.

Villanelle saw that she was out of the tent but thought twice before saying anything. She caught Eve's eye and gave her a nod. Eve was so caught up in delighting at the view she forgot any discomfort from the previous night's conversation. "Hey, it's amazing, isn't it?" said Eve gesturing around her.

"Yes, it's very beautiful," said Villanelle, "it's a bit like Russia. Even with the mosquitoes."

Eve chuckled, Scotland most famous biting insect, the tiny midge, was always accompanied by five thousand of its friends and was never too far away to give you a personal welcome. "Yeah, little bastards aren't they?" she said with a laugh as she walked over to where Villanelle was sitting.

Villanelle's face became animated, "yeah, I got up early to go for a piss and there was a whole cloud of them, biting my elbows and in the corners of my eyes and everything!" she said with gruesome delight.

Eve smiled, only Villanelle could enjoy being eaten by midges. "Speaking of which," said Eve, "I gotta go."

"Of course," said Villanelle, "do you want me to make breakfast?" She picked up a silver pouch of breakfast dust and waved it.

"Yeah, that would be cool. Thanks," said Eve, trying to stay as neutral as possible.

"And coffee?" asked Villanelle.

"Yeah," said Eve with a smile, "thanks."

When she returned there was a fresh steaming pouch of breakfast goo and a mug of coffee waiting for her. Eve wasn't sure that this was enough evidence to conclude that Villanelle would make good wife material, but decided it was a joke that didn't need saying out loud right now. "Breakfast at the Ritz, huh?" she said instead. She picked up the pouch and spooned some of the paste into her mouth, "I bet you get better food in pri-," she stopped speaking abruptly. "Uh, sorry!" she said apologetically.

Villanelle shook her head, "it's alright, you don't have to say sorry. And yes," she said finishing with a smile. "But my mother's cooking was much worse," she continued, again seemingly revelling in the horror of the memory.

Jess appeared from the crew tent and walked over to the two of them. "Morning!" said Eve in a playful tone, "joining us for breakfast?" she said waving the pouch of breakfast as if it was a bottle of champagne.

Jess grimaced at the thought of putting whatever was in that pouch into her mouth, "ugh, no," she said, her face a picture of nausea. "We're running a little late today," she began, "Carolyn thought you could use a bit of extra sleep," she said looking at Eve knowingly. Eve just gave a little eyebrow raise to acknowledge that she understood what that meant. "So what we're going to do to get you back on track is once you've finished breakfast the two of you can get straight in the water, we'll get the camp packed up. Kenny and me are going to follow you in the inflatable so you're not on your own; Hugo, Nadia, and Carolyn will catch up with you in the crew boat. Yeah?"

Eve shrugged, "yeah, whatever. Sounds fine to me," she said.

Villanelle seemed somewhat reticent. She peered at Jess without speaking for minute. "Yes. If that's what you have to do," she said in a stony voice.

Jess flinched slightly, "good. Good. Well enjoy your... breakfast and get going when you're ready." She gave a sharp nod and walked away smartly. Villanelle continued to watch her with narrowed eyes. Eve was oblivious to any of this, too busy trying to get the breakfast gloop into her mouth while ignoring the voice screaming in her head that this wasn't food and you might die if you eat it.

"Say, V," began Eve gently, "about last night." Villanelle shifted uncomfortably. "I hope you're not embarrassed, or anything. There's nothing wrong with what you said," said Eve not looking at Villanelle but instead keeping her eyes on the breakfast pouch. There was a pause. "I hope I didn't upset you last night, you know, with the way I reacted," said Eve, "I was, you know, kinda messed up. And maybe I didn't handle it the way I normally would. So, um, sorry."

Villanelle gave a timid smile, "no, it's ok," she said uncertainly. "Maybe, you didn't want to hear it," she continued meekly.

Eve gave a nervous laugh, "yeah, maybe. But there's nothing wrong with you saying it. I'm the one that's married. My marriage is my responsibility, not yours. My shit is my shit. And I'm the one who needs to sort that out," she finished in a comical tone.

Villanelle didn't know what any of this meant but it felt Eve wasn't closing the door on her, and that was enough. She smiled at Eve, "thank you," she said in a sincere voice. Eve nodded and smiled back, maybe things could go ok after all.


	43. Just Don't Ask

Just Don’t Ask

Chapter 43

"Heart-warming, isn't it?" whispered Carolyn from the bushes, Eve and Villanelle entirely unaware of being observed.

Nadia sneered, "she hasn't changed her routine in ten years." The bushes rustled in the light breeze and the two of them instinctively froze to not draw attention to themselves.

Once the bushes had stopped moving Carolyn chuckled, "sour grapes?"

Nadia shook her head, "no, I don't envy anyone who gets stuck in her web. All that happens in the end is she ties you up, eats you, then spits you out."

Carolyn raised her eyebrows,

"BDSM?"

Nadia stared at her in apparent disgust, "no, not literally."

"Oh," replied Carolyn, seemingly disappointed. They watched as Eve and Villanelle continued to chat. "Is she any good?" said Carolyn after some minutes.

Nadia turned her head slightly to look at her, "good?" she whispered in astonishment.

Carolyn seemed unfazed by her tone, "you know," she said gesturing with a nod.

Nadia shook her head incredulously, "huh!" she spat quietly, "that is not your business."

Carolyn pulled a face, "was just asking. I'd have told you."

Nadia shook her head again, "well I would not ask."

Oo la la, thought Carolyn, must be good then.

The two returned to silence and watched as Eve and Villanelle stood up and headed towards their ten. "Did we get all of that?" said Carolyn quietly.

"Yes," nodded Nadia, tucking the small handheld camera into her jacket.

"Good, now you know what to do with the packing, yes?"

"Yes," said Nadia, with a gleeful smirk.

Carolyn nodded, "good." They carefully made their way out of the bushes and slipped themselves unobtrusively back into the activity of the camp.

As Eve and Villanelle struggled into their dry suits Kenny watched on with a sense of growing trepidation. His eyes darted around the scene as he watched what everyone was doing. He noticed that Carolyn was standing on her own near the bushes, away from the others who were putting the crew tent down. He decided that this was his moment to voice some concerns. He checked that no one was looking at him before he walked briskly over to where she was.

He was standing next to her for a moment before she seemed to notice. "Kenny," she said.

"Mum," he replied. They both stood looking at each other for a minute.

"Why is Nadia packing the camp up? Wouldn't it make more sense to have her in the inflatable?" he said flatly.

Carolyn thought for a moment, "she's young and fit. Her and Hugo are better for packing up a load of stuff than Jess is. Any anyway, you can still film, the microphones just need switching on. You need your director with you," she replied in her usual curt tone.

Kenny bristled a little, he had something serious to say and summoned up all his bravery to get the words out of his mouth. "Why is she here?" he said sharply.

"Who?" said Carolyn, apparently unawares.

"Nadia. Why did you bring her onto the team?"

Carolyn smirked a little then regained her composure, "she's good at what she does," she replied seriously.

Kenny formed his mouth into a tight line. "What is it that she does?" he asked with uncharacteristic force, "Make things go wrong?" he finished with as much accusation in his voice as he dared, which wasn't a lot.

Carolyn let out a little astonished laugh. She turned to face Kenny and said quietly but intently, "who knows what's right or wrong?" Kenny shook his head at her angrily, scowling with disgust, then spun on his heels and stormed off.

Jess came over to where Carolyn was standing and watched as Kenny furiously paced away. "Is he alright?" she asked nodding in his direction.

"He's fine," said Carolyn unconcerned, "he takes things so," she said pausing, "seriously."

Jess looked at her with a puzzled expression, "isn't that a good thing?" she asked, "in this kind of work?"

Carolyn watched as Kenny reached the inflatable and started loading equipment boxes in it. "No, not always," she replied cryptically.

Jess knew better than to think anything Carolyn said might make sense, so she just gave a resigned shrug. "We'll get going with the kayak then," said Jess.

Carolyn looked at her like her train of thought had just been interrupted, "mmm? Yes. Yes of course," she replied.

Jess nodded and smiled uncertainly, then walked away toward the little boat and Kenny. As she reached the inflatable Kenny stopped loading and looked at her. "You ok?" she asked, not expecting any kind of real answer.

"Mm," he responded sharply. That was what she thought he would say.

"Good," she said. He remained standing tensely, Jess wondered if he might have something else to say. She put an open expression on her face, inviting him to speak if there was something.

"Do you know why she's here?" he said while watching that no one was looking at him.

"Who?" said Jess.

He glanced around, "Nadia," he said looking watchfully into the distance.

Jess furrowed her brow a little, "not really. She's got a lot of skills, but. Personally, I wouldn't have picked her," she said quietly. She stood up straight and shook her head a little, "but I don't ask too many questions. I just do what I'm asked to do."

Kenny stopped scanning and looked at her, "why don't you ask too many questions?" he quizzed.

She sighed. "You know why," she said gently, "we don't ask questions Kenny. That's not what we're here for. We do what we're told." He continued to look at her without responding. She leaned a little closer to him and said, "if we know what's good for us."

Their conversation was broken by the sound of Eve, calling over to them. "Jess, Kenny? We're pretty much ready to go now. You want any shots?"

Jess and Kenny looked over to Eve, then back at each other, before Jess turned back to Eve. "Yeah, let's get you leaving the shore and then just wait in the water until we get in the boat," she called back.

"Ok!" called Eve melodically.

Jess turned back to Kenny, "there's no point worrying about it. We never know what's going on. Not until it's done."

He gave a sulking expression, "no, we don't," he said.


	44. Dude Where's My Tent Peg?

Dude Where’s My Tent Peg?

Chapter 44

The wind started to pick up a little as the day was nearly done, so it was with some relief that they reached their camp before the weather swung in. "Looks like a storm is coming," said Villanelle peering up into the cloudy sky.

Eve looked at her, wondering if part of her specialist training had included weather forecasting, "yeah, think its gonna rain," she replied.

"We better get the tent up quickly," said Villanelle. She slid the roll of poles and fabric that constituted the tiny tent out of their long bag and went into her now well-established routine. Roll out the tent, a peg here, a peg there, then put the pole together, feed it into the tent, twist here, twist there, voila. One tent. Then get the rest of the pegs and knock them in, then peg in the guy lines and pull it all tight. Meanwhile Eve followed her routine of inflating the sleeping mats.

Villanelle stood up, scratching her head. "Hey, there's a peg missing," she said, holding a loose guy line in her hand.

Eve scanned the tent, "do we need it?" she asked.

Villanelle scrunched her face, "maybe."

"The tent seems ok," said Eve, "maybe tie the line to a rock or something?"

Villanelle shrugged, "Ok," she said looking around for a suitable candidate.

Eve went to the tent door and unzipped it, "yeah," she called to Villanelle, "it's a bit wobbly, we need to get that line onto something." Eve pushed the two sleeping mats into position. She went off to the pile of equipment and rummaged around. "V?" she called, "can you come here?"

Villanelle stopped looking and walked over to where Eve was kneeling. "Do you see the other sleeping bag?" she asked.

Villanelle looked at the various bits and pieces on the ground in front of her, "no," she said shaking her head, "I don't see it."

Eve exhaled sharply, "well maybe it’s with the crew's stuff, I'll go and ask them to check for it."

She stood up and walked towards where the crew were unloading equipment from the inflatable boat. Carolyn was standing on the beach beside the boat. "Carolyn," said Eve, "can you get them to check their stuff for one of our sleeping bags? We only had one with our gear, it must have got mixed in with the other equipment."

Carolyn thought for a moment, "mm. Yes. I'll get someone on it," she said with a nod.

"Good, thanks," said Eve, then walked back to the tent.

Once Eve was suitably far away Carolyn called over Nadia, "one of their sleeping bags is missing," she said in a flat tone, "do have a good look for it, mm?"

Nadia stifled a faint smirk, "yes. I will," she answered diligently.

The cool wind whipped between Eve and Villanelle as they sat waiting for the little kettle to boil. The gas burner of the stove popped and whooshed as the wind blew at the flames. "The stove needs some shelter," said Eve, "it's struggling in this wind." Villanelle closed the gap between her and Eve where the wind had been blowing in, and the flames of the stove gave a little dance as they got relief from the breeze. Eve flinched a little at how close Villanelle was now sitting to her. Rationally it was only a little closer than being in the tent together, but it felt like Villanelle may as well have been sitting on her lap. Or vice versa. She decided not to let that thought persist. She sat stiffly watching the kettle, willing it to boil. A watched kettle does boil, eventually.

Carolyn came over. The two raised their heads to look up at her as she stood over them. "Had a word with the crew. About the sleeping bag. They said it's going to take a bit of time to check everywhere, you know between here and the crew boat." She stood silently for a moment before starting again, "but you've still got one sleeping bag. I'm sure you can share if you have to," she said sounding like she genuinely saw nothing problematic with this.

Eve was dumbstruck. "Uh, share?" she yammered, "I don't think, you can do that, with these modern sleeping bags. They're mummy shaped, you can't open them up flat, you have to get in them," she managed to say, slightly panicked.

Carolyn looked at her with puzzlement, "well. Do that then."

Eve felt her life force draining out through the soles of her feet.

Villanelle noticed Eve was turning a bit pale, "uh," she said, "I will be ok, Eve can have the sleeping bag. If we don't find the other one."

"Nonsense," said Carolyn curtly, "you can share. Be like boarding school. Or prison. All girls together," she said straight faced looking at Villanelle.

Villanelle gave a little sneer, "find the sleeping bag," she said menacingly.

Carolyn smirked, "we'll try our best," she said, then walked away.

Ashen faced and lost in internal panic, Eve didn't even notice the sound of the kettle boiling.

Villanelle gave her a little nudge, "Eve, the kettle."

She answered, "what?" in a daze. "Oh," she said, noticing the steam rising from the spout, "oh yeah," and she lifted the kettle up by the handle, pouring the water into the waiting mugs. They sat tensely for a few moments, watching the steam from their mugs get scattered by the stiff breeze.

"It's ok," said Villanelle softly, "we don't have to share. I will wear more clothes. I am from Russia. I will be fine," she finished with a look of slight pride and stoicism.

Eve nodded, "I sure hope they find that other bag though."


	45. Cold? Nah

Cold? Nah

Chapter 45

The wind picked up a furious pace and by evening rain was driving down fiercely. Carolyn came to the tiny tent and told them that they couldn't go out to the crew boat to look for the missing sleeping bag until the wind died down. She gave them what appeared to be a scuzzy old dog blanket saying that this might do if they didn't get back out again tonight. They hesitantly thanked her for it, but mostly prayed that the wind would ease off.

The little tent wobbled with every gust, the ceiling bowing in and out each time, occasionally coming so low as to almost touch their noses. The rain pelted down relentlessly without a lull for hours. As darkness fell both realised that there would be no more trips out to the crew boat tonight. They lay awkwardly, both knowing this but neither wanting to address it.

Finally, Eve broke the silence, "I don't think they're going to find that sleeping bag tonight," she said earnestly.

Villanelle nodded resolutely, "no I don't think they are. It's fine," she said in an upbeat tone, "this blanket is fine," she said sneering involuntarily as she pulled it over herself. She daren't think where they found it. Eve felt a little guilty but was prepared to sacrifice her personal ethics for a night without complications. "We should get some sleep," said Villanelle, pulling the mangy blanket as close to her face as she dared and rolling over, leaving her back facing Eve.

"Yeah, night," said Eve.

Hard as she tried to will herself to sleep, Eve did not drift off. The incessant shaking of the tent combined with the concern for Villanelle lapsing into a hypothermic state, and her subsequently having to share her naked body heat with her to stave off death was chewing at her mind. Oh god, just count sheep or something. Villanelle wriggled in the dark. She wasn't asleep either. Damn it, thought Eve. Now she had to try to not move otherwise Villanelle will know that she's awake. She lay, rigidly, like a caterpillar inside her cosy cocoon; guilty, but unmoved.

Villanelle meanwhile was trying to not make any sound, lest she wake Eve up. She was cold, right in her bones, but she knew it was not enough to bother Eve with. This is not cold, she said to herself, Russia is cold. This is just, a little on the cool side. Her body juddered with a shiver. It's nothing. Just go to sleep, it is fine. But like Eve she did not get any closer to drifting off, no matter how hard she tried. They lay stiffly in the dark listening to the wind and rain, willing sleep, or death, to come and take them.

A great gust of wind hit the tent like a slab and the tent pole yielded so much that the ceiling of the tent smacked them both sharply. "Argh!" squealed Eve in surprised.

"It's ok, " said Villanelle quietly, "it was just the wind."

Eve caught her breath, "I thought the tent had collapsed," she said, her voice quivering.

"The pole just bends, it won't break," said Villanelle, in a reassuringly knowledgeable tone.

"I hope you're right," said Eve with a nervous laugh. If she hadn't been so preoccupied, she would have realised there was nothing reassuring about Villanelle sounding knowledgeable. She settled back down into her attempted sleeping position, but over tired, guilty, and anxious, she was no more able to sleep than at any point that night so far. "Hey," she said softly into the darkness, hoping Villanelle had gone back to sleep.

"Yeah?" came the reply.

Eve hated herself for feeling like she needed to ask, but she knew that really it was the most basic of human kindnesses to do so, "are you ok?"

Villanelle shivered, "yeah," she said, her voice shaking a little, "I'm fine."

Shit. She's not fine. Eve could hear the waver in her voice. "Are you cold?" asked Eve.

"Ah, no. A little. It's ok," she replied.

Eve's feeling of basic humanity tussled with her feeling of not wanting to ruin her life, eventually bitch slapping her self-preservation instincts out of the way and stepping forward to do the right thing. "You can lie closer to me, if you're cold," she said, knowing how reckless this was.

Villanelle wanted to keep up appearances but really was too cold to be gallant for much longer. She slid herself, still with her back to Eve, across her sleeping mat until she came to the solid form of Eve, wrapped in the soft sleeping bag. She nudged herself up to Eve and lay still. Initially the surface of the sleeping bag was cool, but after a few minutes began to hold some heat. It wasn't a lot, but it was better.

Eve lay rigid. The light pressure of Villanelle's body pushing against the outside of the sleeping bag pressed hard into her mind. Oh god, oh god, oh god. She tried to think of anything unsexy. Carolyn in a bikini. Uh, no, Konstantin in a bikini. Villanelle naked in her sleeping bag. NOT THAT. Excel. Excel spreadsheets. With boxes that change colour.

As a little warmth penetrated Villanelle's body, her mind became more able to engage with anything beyond basic survival. "You are very tense Eve," she said quietly, "am I making you nervous?" she asked delicately.

"Uh, no," lied Eve.

"Do you want me to move?" asked Villanelle knowingly.

"Uh," said Eve, "um, I, uh, no it's ok," she stuttered.

Villanelle smiled. "Do you mind if I move a little," she said with a pause, "closer?" Eve asked her brain for some help here, but it had apparently shut up shop and left. "It's just that I'm still," said Villanelle huskily, "a little cold."

Fuck fuck fuck, thought Eve, uh, fuck. "Uh, uh, if you're cold, then, uh, sure," she said uncertainly. Why did you say that? she asked herself tersely. Shit.

Villanelle rolled herself over in a smooth motion like a log in the water and pressed herself into Eve's back with a little nestling wiggle. Eve lay stiff, as if she were playing musical statues, fearing that the only thing maintaining her decorum was her own lack of movement.

"You are so tense," said Villanelle languidly, "is that something I can help you with?" she purred.

"Muh," said Eve involuntarily.

Villanelle took this as a clear not-no. She wriggled her hips sensuously into Eve and murmured, "do you want me to help you to relax?"

"Uhh," groaned Eve, unable to form any useful sounds or thoughts that would explain why she was making them.

Sounds like a yes to me thought Villanelle. She flipped the blanket off her shoulder and ran her hand over the outside of Eve's sleeping bag, looking for the zip. Having found it she slid her hand slowly all the way up it until she found the zip tag. Eve offered no resistance, her mind long since having abandoned her. Villanelle dragged the zip down almost one tooth at a time until the bag was three quarters open. She took a moment to grin before slipping her arm into the opening, following along Eve's arm from her shoulder where it rested on her side, and then across her forearm that was resting on her stomach. Eve gasped. Villanelle's eyes gleamed in the darkness.

Villanelle pulled Eve gently from her side to lying on her back. Eve felt utterly exposed, like a turtle pushed onto its shell. But she didn't fight. She lay and awaited her fate, breathlessly. Villanelle meanwhile seemed to be moving as slow as a turtle, every movement so languid and deliberate. She stretched her arm across Eve, then followed it with her shoulder, gradually sliding her body over Eve's like creeping wave.

She was almost completely on top of Eve when she put her weight on her elbow and lifted herself up a little to get herself fully in position. She moved her other arm and put her weight on her hand but as she did this it suddenly slid out from under her, sending her sprawling out of control and crashing straight through the tent pole with a sickening crack.

"Oh my god," said Eve suddenly alert to what was happening, "are you broken?" she said in a concerned voice, thinking the snap was one of Villanelle's bones.

Villanelle flapped at the tent material that was now clinging to her, "no," she moaned, "I'm ok." Her head was on the floor under her shoulders, while her legs were still half on top of Eve. The two of them groped clumsily between the folds of the tent to try to find the door zip.

Suddenly the zip was pulled open and a light shone on their confused faces.


	46. It Was Really Windy

It Was Really Windy

Chapter 46

Squinting to see what was going on they quickly realised it was the camera, and they needed to think fast. Eve gave a nervy laugh and decided to start talking, hoping she would figure something out as she was speaking. Fill. She was just going to fill until her brain sent her some useful words. This was standard live tv fare, she could handle it. "Oh my god," she said earnestly, "I'm so glad to see you guys. We were just. Uh. It was just -" She was struggling. Say something.

Villanelle piped up, "the wind. It was so strong."

"Yeah," agreed Eve, "the wind was just blasting at us. All night. And the tent was like coming down to touch our heads, the pole was bending sooo much," she said gravely.

"Uh, yeah," said Villanelle, "we were sure it was going to break," she lied unwaveringly.

"Yeah," and then I guess it did. Coz we were both asleep, right?" said Eve looking at Villanelle.

"Yeah, asleep," reiterated Villanelle.

"And we've got no idea what happened," she said implausibly.

"Let's get you in the crew tent then," came Carolyn's voice from behind the light.

Sheepishly Eve and Villanelle untangled themselves and crawled out of the broken tent, all the while under the relentless gaze of the rolling camera. They sat in a sorry slump inside the relative warmth of the palatial crew tent, both hugging a cup of Bovril in their hands. "So," said Carolyn, now that the camera was off, "what happened?" Despite there being rooms, it was still a tent, so they knew that their conversation would still be heard by everyone.

"We don't know," said Eve forlornly, "we were asleep." She had taken the lie on board so well that she was starting to think it was true.

"Funny," said Carolyn straightly, "I was sure I heard you talking."

Eve's eyes flared up, "what? Were you listening to us?" she snarled accusatively.

"No," said Carolyn, her face unmoved, "I got up. For a wee. Heard you." Eve stared at her furiously. "Just as well I did actually," Carolyn continued, "heard the pole snap. Came to see if you needed help."

Eve furrowed her brow angrily, "and you brought the camera? Huh? Maybe you were out there filming it the whole time."

"Oh Eve," chuckled Carolyn, "you would have seen the lights if that was the case."

Carolyn stopped laughing and put a more serious face on. "Really, we need to know why the tent pole broke. We need to do a health and safety report. This was a near miss. Someone could have gotten injured. And we need to know if this piece of equipment isn't up to the job because we'd need to stop using them."

Eve rolled her eyes, oh god, it was bad enough that she nearly gave up her propriety to Villanelle, but now to have to explain it to someone for a safety report was a whole level of embarrassment she hadn't experienced since the walks of shame on Sunday mornings of her university days. She didn't believe in God, but she still sent a hopeful prayer to the skies asking whoever was in charge of these things to please strike her down with a bolt of lightning right now. No lightning was forthcoming, sadly.

Villanelle pulled herself upright, and began to speak, "it was my fault," she said without a hint of discomfort. "I was moving around and I slipped."

Carolyn turned her eyes to look at Villanelle but kept her face looking at Eve. Her eyes swung back to Eve, and she scanned her for any reactions. Eve stayed impassive. "What kind of moving around?" asked Carolyn brusquely.

Villanelle gave a little head shake, "I was reaching over Eve. For the torch. It was on her side," she said in a convincing tone.

Carolyn thought for a minute, "why didn't Eve just give it to you? Why did you climb over her to get it?"

Villanelle didn't flinch, instead her eyes gleamed and she smiled, "because she was in the sleeping bag and couldn't get her arms out," she finished defiantly.

Carolyn smiled like a crocodile, "and how was the torch going to help Eve to relax?" she asked, revelling in their misfortune.

Villanelle's eyes drilled through Carolyn.

"Enough huh?" said Eve irritatedly, "you know how the pole broke; Villanelle was leaning over me and she slipped. Ok?" she finished adamantly. "You don't need to know any more than that," she continued emphatically, her eyes fixed on Carolyn's with an indignant sneer.

Carolyn smirked. "Fine," she said. "The two of you will sleep in here. I'm sure you can find a bit of room between the cases. We can fix the pole in the morning. Good night," she said curtly. "Oh," she said stopping as she walked to her room and turning back to look at them, "and if you are having trouble relaxing, can I suggest some hot chocolate? Much less trouble." She smirked then turned back and disappeared through the door of her room, zipping it behind her.

Eve scowled at back of Carolyn's head, but once she was gone she gave a deflated sigh and shrugged at her situation.

Villanelle looked at her, "any chance we could...?" she whispered hopefully.

Eve locked sullen eyes with her. "No," she said flatly.

"Ok," said Villanelle with a little hands up gesture, her tone obliging. She dropped her head down and sighed forlornly, so close, she had been so close. She was going to give her everything she wanted, right until the tent collapsed on them. Fucking tent. Villanelle glanced at Eve, but she was a million miles away, so she got up and found a gap between some bags where she could settle for the night. She tucked herself into the space and got as comfortable as she could. Once out of sight of Eve she began to smile. Actually, she had been soooo close. Like Eve was totally going to do it. It would literally have been a fucking tent if the pole hadn't snapped. She had to stifle a laugh, now was not the right time to be laughing at her own jokes. It was all coming together perfectly.


	47. Off You Pop

Off You Pop

Chapter 47

The morning found Eve stiff as a board and a mess of emotions, although most of them could be traced back to embarrassment. Villanelle's slight eyebrow raise as a non-committal morning greeting was met with a slight scowl from Eve, Villanelle considered this to be a positive response. Neither woman had much time to wallow though as the crew tent quickly became a hive of activity as people began coming out of their rooms, heading out and in; movement and noise filled the space.

Eve was exhausted. She felt like she had slept folded up like a pen knife and had woken up every fifteen minutes due to the discomfort, the cold, or some noise. But she was emotionally exhausted too, something about those few moments when she had surrendered herself to whatever Villanelle was going to do had drained her. Like her resistance to Villanelle was the only source of energy she had, and having let go it all dissipated. She found herself shaking her head, but she didn't know why. She didn't have any brain power to think through what had almost happened last night, she just had the sense that it was better that it hadn't.

The overall tone of the camp that morning seemed to be urgency, the crew apparently keen to hurry everything along. This was particularly at odds with how Eve and Villanelle were feeling, unrested and lethargic. The two felt like somewhat like the last table in the restaurant just before closing. Both had a cup of coffee stuffed into their hands before even asking for one, and a breakfast roll with some unspecified meat contents. Biting into her roll Eve merely noted that the filling was salty, whether it was bacon or sausage she really couldn't tell, and her brain had no energy or inclination to find out.

Carolyn noticed that Eve's roll had exactly one bite mark taken out of it, "ah good, you've nearly finished breakfast," she said to Eve in her curt fashion.

Eve barely registered what she had said, but glanced at her roll, then back at Carolyn.

Carolyn gave a sharp nod; in answer to what, no one knew. "We're going to get you off quickly this morning," said Carolyn.

Villanelle gave a petulant shrug, "but we're tired, look at us!" she said gesturing to herself and Eve.

Badly supressing a gleeful smirk, Carolyn responded calmly, "well, I know you had an eventful night, but we still have a schedule. You'll feel better once you get going. Get your blood pumping." She smirked. Villanelle narrowed her eyes at her. Eve continued eating her roll, robotically. "Come on, get your dry suits on, chop chop," said Carolyn.

Villanelle huffed dramatically, then left the tent. Eve wasn't paying much attention but soon became aware of the feeling that someone was looking at her. It was Carolyn. "What?" she asked with the tone of someone who didn't know what the question was.

"It's time to get ready," replied Carolyn.

"Oh," said Eve, "ok," and with that she hauled her stiff body onto its feet and stumbled out of the tent.

Kenny watched as the kayak headed out into the water, then turned away to deal with something. Suddenly he looked back towards the kayak, realising he had seen something amiss. He scurried urgently over to Carolyn. "The spray decks," he said seriously.

Carolyn just blinked at him, "the what?" she asked.

"The spray decks," he reiterated, then realising she needed more information instinctively pointed out towards the kayak.

She closed her eyes for a second before replying, "what about them?" she said in bewilderment.

"They've left without them," he said sternly.

"And?" said Carolyn, inviting Kenny to explain why this was a problem.

"They need them," he replied.

Carolyn gave a sigh, "why do they need them?" she asked with slight frustration.

"They keep the water out," said Kenny snippily.

"Out of where?" she asked wearily.

Kenny stared at her for a second, "the boat, they keep the water out of the boat."

Carolyn shrugged, "why is that important?" she asked.

"Because water will get in," he replied.

"And then what?" she replied sharply. "The boat will sink!" he barked.

"Oh!" said Carolyn, wide eyed. She stood static for a few moments before continuing. "How interesting," she said then turned and walked away.

It was an hour into their journey that the waves began to get choppy. At first neither of them thought anything of it, they'd been through rougher waters than this before. But Eve noticed that her butt was cold, why is my butt cold? She glanced down and saw that she was sitting in a pool of water. Hey that's weird, I'm not usually sitting in a pool of water, she thought. She continued to paddle unthinkingly for a few more minutes before her brain decided to send her a message: you shouldn't be sitting in a pool of water, please react accordingly. She gasped as she looked down at her legs and the cold water surrounding them.

"Shit!" she said quietly to herself, then again louder to drag Villanelle into the conversation, "shit!" Villanelle was still paddling so she reached forward and tapped her sharply on the back.

"What?" she asked, looking over her shoulder at Eve.

"There's water in the boat," she replied sternly.

Villanelle looked down at her own legs, "oh yeah!" she exclaimed almost chuckling, "I wondered why my butt was so cold."

Eve let out an angry grunt, "will you take this seriously?" she snapped. The fury in her words sent her blood pumping, fatigue gave way to fire.

The air between them was suddenly electric and Villanelle's eyes gleamed. "I will take this very seriously," she purred.

"This isn't sexy time!" shouted Eve, "it's sinking boat time!"

"It's not sinking," insisted Villanelle, "it's just got some water in it. It will be fine," she continued, "as long as more water doesn't get in."

With that a wave lifted itself over the lip of the kayak and dumped itself into their laps.

"Like that?" said Eve sarcastically.

"That was a one off," said Villanelle dismissively. Another wave splashed over their legs.

"And that?" quizzed Eve.

"Uh, it's..." but Villanelle didn't finish her sentence before yet another wave broke over them.

"It's bad, that's what it is," said Eve.

She glanced around behind her, but she couldn't see the crew boat anywhere. She hoped they were just around the other side of the rocky coast and would pop into view. Fumbling she searched for the two-way radio that was tucked somewhere behind her seat. Pulling it out she lifted it to her face and pressed the button as she spoke, "canoe to crew boat, come in." She paused. There was only silence. "Canoe to crew boat, come in," she said again more urgently. Waves kept dropping into the boat. "Canoe to crew boat, come in please," said Eve. Still silence. She looked desperately over her shoulder, but the crew boat was still nowhere to be seen.

Shit. Shit shit shit. What to do? What to do? Eve thought hurriedly to herself. She continued calling on the radio but still there was no response. She jerked her head around again, but the boat was still not there. _What are we going to do?_ Eve asked herself _. I don't know_ , she replied. _We need to do something_ , she thought. She looked behind her at the empty sea, then turned to the front again. Villanelle's passive mass suddenly entered her thought process. Why isn't she doing anything? Eve wondered. More water crashed into them.

"Fucking hell, will you do something?" she finally barked at the useless lump of Russian in front of her.


	48. I'm Terribly Sorry, We Appear to be Sinking

I’m Terribly Sorry, We Appear to be Sinking

Chapter 48

The waves seemed relentless in their desire to be inside the kayak. Eve didn't realise it at the time, but part of her bandwidth was being taken up with confusion over why water getting into the boat was only now a problem that they hadn't previously encountered. But even if she did have all her faculties at her disposal the sense of panic was starting to take over. Turning the boat into the waves only slowed down the process, Eve simply couldn't bail the water out faster than it was coming in. She sloshed the water out frenetically with her hands, but it was replaced just as quickly.

"Get out," said Villanelle firmly.

"No, you need to bale too," snapped Eve.

"No, it's too late, we need to get out," said Villanelle calmly.

"No!" screamed Eve, scooping and flailing at the water.

"Get out!" Villanelle shouted, looking back over her shoulder.

"No!" A huge wave smashed down on them and the kayak lurched ominously downwards. Feeling the boat pulling away from under them Villanelle twisted as far as she could and grabbed Eve by the scruff of her neck. "We need to get out!" she said as she threw herself out of the kayak, dragging Eve with her. With a few kicks of her legs both were free from the canoe which dived gently downwards like a graceful sting ray, and out of their sight.

Eve was gasping. "It's ok!" said Villanelle firmly, "I've got you." Her hand was clamped onto the neck of Eve's dry suit, gripping as tightly as a limpet. She pulled the flailing Eve closer to her, "you can hold onto me," she said, "I can keep you up." Eve wrestled with Villanelle's arms like a cat being picked up into an unwelcome cuddle. The struggle was sending them both under the water, "stop! Stop fighting!" implored Villanelle, "you need to relax!"

But hearing Villanelle telling her to relax just triggered more panic. Eve thrashed in terror. Something in Villanelle snapped and she threw her free arm around Eve's neck, spinning her round and turning her back towards her. Having got her into a head lock, Villanelle pulled Eve right up against her and locked her other arm around her waist. She kicked hard to keep them both above the water line. Villanelle put her hand under Eve's chin and lifted her head up. Eve thrashed like an eel. "It's ok!" said Villanelle, "just relax. We won't sink. I've got you."

The sensation of buoyancy worked its way through Eve's panic and little by little she allowed herself to surrender to it. After a few moments her struggling stopped, and grudgingly she allowed her weight to be taken by Villanelle. Silent but for the splashes of the water the two pressed against each other as they tried to come to terms with their situation. Eve knew she should be thinking more about them being in the sea and about to die, but her mind was more occupied with Villanelle's hand on her skin. Guess I'm an evolutionary dead end then, she thought forlornly to herself.

"You ok?" said Villanelle gently.

Eve kicked herself, internally. Here she was dying but the best response her body could give her was girlish excitement at Villanelle's concern. "Yeah," she said grumpily, "I'm ok."

Villanelle gave a little smile, "good."

God, I'm such a clown, thought Eve to herself.

The sound of a boat engine skipped over the surface of the waves and the two turned around to see where it was coming from. It was the crew boat, coming around from behind the cliffs. "About fucking time!" roared Eve. Suddenly forgetting her fear of death, she waved and shouted at the boat. "Hey! Hey! Over here! Hey!" She felt glad that her mind was able to focus on being rescued instead of just enjoying some one on one water time with Villanelle.

Villanelle wasn't so sure that she wanted to be rescued straightaway, so she left the waving and shouting to Eve. They'll find us soon enough she thought, I'm not going to pass up an opportunity like this, fear can be so sexy after all. "I think I saw them wave back," lied Villanelle.

"Well I can't see anyone," said Eve, "Hey! Over here!"

"Yeah. There. Did you see?" said Villanelle in her most convincing sounding voice.

"No," said Eve, "Hey! Hey!" She kept waving.

"They can see us," implored Villanelle, "you don't need to keep waving."

Eve sighed, "are you sure?"

"Yeah," said Villanelle gently, "yeah, I'm sure."

Eve scanned the image of the crew boat, still unable to see enough detail to feel completely reassured. "Yeah?" she asked Villanelle.

"Yeah," she replied with a nod, "relax."

Eve was coming to dread the sound of Villanelle's voice telling her to relax, it had now only ever preceded disaster. "Relax?" she quizzed, "relax? Are you fucking serious? Every time you tell me to relax some new level of hell opens up. I will not relax!"

"What do you mean?" asked Villanelle crossly.

"You know what I fucking mean!" snapped Eve.

"You wanted it! You wanted me to r-e-l-a-x you," Villanelle drawled.

"So?" shot Eve, "doesn't mean it wasn't a fucking stupid thing to do."

"How do you know?" barked Villanelle, "I didn't even get started!"

"Oh," chortled Eve, "oh, you done more than enough. You definitely started!"

"Yeah? Well you definitely wanted it!" Villanelle clipped back.

"Oh you do flatter yourself," said Eve acerbically.

Villanelle scoffed and shook her head, "you are a terrible liar Eve. I could feel your hands trembling, I could see your pulse fluttering under your skin, I could hear you breathing, gasping when I touched you."

Eve felt it was somewhat unnecessary for Villanelle to recount the events in such sensual detail while the two of them were fundamentally drowning, but damn, it was sexy. "Will you," said Eve in annoyance, "just, stop, doing that."

"Doing what?" Villanelle asked in a playful tone.

"You know what," replied Eve in a stern voice.

"What?" she asked melodiously, turning Eve around to face her and pulling her towards her. "This?" she asked as she put her face closer to Eve's.

"Nnhhhn," said Eve as her brain shut up shop.

Drowning is definitely sexy, thought Villanelle as her twinkling eyes gazed deeply into Eve's. Now I can get everything I want, she thought as she moved through those final few millimetres between her lips and Eve's.


	49. The End?

The End?

Chapter 49

"HEY!"

"What the?" thought Villanelle as Eve's faced suddenly swivelled away from hers.

"Hey! Hey!" shouted Eve gleefully.

"We see you!" shouted Hugo from the crew boat, "don't go anywhere!"

"We won't!" shouted back Eve laughing. "Ha ha! We're saved!" exclaimed Eve, shaking Villanelle's shoulders like they had just won a bet on a horse race. Villanelle stared at her incredulously. "What?" asked Eve confused.

Villanelle's face drifted into a scowl, "we were in the middle of something," she replied drolly.

"Oh, uh," began Eve, somewhat embarrassed, "um, yeah. But the boat's here so, you know..." she tailed off, "we're saved!"

Villanelle huffed, shaking her head, "women, seriously."

The crew boat drew close to them then cut off its engine. Hugo leaned over the side and threw the life ring as far as he could. It hit the water with a splosh just a few feet short of Eve and Villanelle. "Grab on and I'll pull you in," Hugo called to them. They swam over to the life ring and held onto one side each. Hugo and Kenny began pulling on the rope it was attached to and they inched slowly towards the boat.

"Hey," called Hugo as they got closer, "we nearly didn't find you."

"What?" said Eve, "but you saw us."

"We didn't," said Kenny curtly.

"But Villanelle saw y-" Eve turned her furious eyes to Villanelle, "you fucking asshole! You crazy bitch! You could have fucking killed us!" she screamed as she slapped at Villanelle's head.

It was only the looming presence of Carolyn standing on the deck as they clambered onto the crew boat that brought a halt to the violent proceedings. Eve glowered at Villanelle, fully intending to slap her again as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Villanelle pondered if maybe she would be safer getting back in the water, just for a little while until Eve calmed down. Carolyn stood waiting for them to break up their little heart eyes moment. They turned to look at her.

"Ladies," she said briskly, "well done."

"What?" said Eve, in utter confusion.

"Well done. That was perfect," said Carolyn in all seriousness.

Eve scoffed in astonishment, "what do you mean perfect? It was shit. It all went to shit."

Carolyn summoned a smile that make her look unnervingly like a crocodile, "on the contrary Eve, it all went exactly to plan."

"Oh, fuck!" fumed Eve, holding her face in her hands. Villanelle stared furiously at Carolyn, who stared back impassively. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," muttered Eve, shaking her head. 

Villanelle looked at the broken figure of Eve and turned her venom towards Carolyn, "Twelve huh?" she scowled.

Carolyn gave a nonchalant shrug, "who can say?" she replied in obvious delight.

" _You_ can say! _You_ know!" she growled, pointing her fingers angrily at Carolyn, who calmly shook her head.

Kenny stepped forward, "was this your plan all along? Is that what Nadia was for?" he said shooting her a scathing look.

"What? What was Nadia for?" said Eve in puzzlement.

"She makes things go wrong," said Kenny bluntly, "makes things go missing."

"I do not," said Nadia dismissively.

"Yeah?" said Kenny, both bravely and nervously at the same time, "explain this," he said pulling her duffel bag from behind him. He opened it and pulled out the contents, "a sleeping bag, tent pegs, two spray decks."

Villanelle lurched towards Nadia and was halted in her progress by a terrified Hugo.

"Oh good," said Carolyn loudly to get everyone's attention back on her. She continued at a more reasonable volume, "you found them. Thought we'd lost them for good. Well done," she said to Nadia. Nadia gave a smug glance at Villanelle and Kenny.

Kenny huffed, then took a step closer to his mother. "Why don't you just admit it, for once?" he said to her sharply.

Carolyn's face lit up, "well," she said in a low voice, "where's the fun in that?"

"Fun?" exploded Villanelle, "what's fun about this? About what you're doing to Eve?"

"What's fun about what you're doing to Eve?" replied Carolyn dryly. "Oh, wait, nothing. You haven't had any fun yet. Thought the old 'only one sleeping bag' trick would have worked perfectly but you had to go and break the tent," she continued.

"So she did steal those things," said Kenny pointing at Nadia angrily.

"Details," said Carolyn with a dismissive wave of the hand.

Eve slapped Villanelle across the top of the head, "you lied to me! You said this wasn't a set up! You said you weren't acting and you were!"

"Ouch! I was telling the truth! I didn't ask them to steal the sleeping bag," said Villanelle snappily, "their tricks didn't get me anywhere."

Eve clipped her across the top of the head again, "don't you lie to me, and don't you dare try to make out _you're_ defending me! You nearly killed us to get your end away. How long were you going to leave us in the water for huh?" Slap.

"You were perfectly safe," said Carolyn, "you have transmitters in your dry suits, we knew where you were the whole time. And it's not like we didn't give you enough time to seal the deal V," finished Carolyn, apparently revelling in adding fuel to the bonfire.

Eve stared at Villanelle. "Did you know this? Hmm?"

Villanelle wriggled like a worm on a hook, "um, may-be," she said hesitantly, "but I didn't ask them to -". Slap. "What was that for?" whined Villanelle. 

"EVERYTHING!" spat Eve.

"Ugh! Stop hitting me!" groaned Villanelle.

"Losing your touch?" scoffed Nadia. Villanelle made a move towards Nadia but was blocked again by a quivering Hugo.

"Hey," said Hugo in a conciliatory tone, "maybe we all just need to chill out, it's been a tough day."

"SHUT UP HUGO!" replied the group in unison.

"Fine," he said, slinking away to safety.

Eve turned her attention to Carolyn. "Why don't you just tell me huh?" she said forlornly, "you've got what you want. My career's ruined now anyway so why don't you just say?"

Carolyn stood without response for a few moments, "it changes everything," she finally said.

Eve shook her head in confusion, "what? What changes everything?"

"Knowing," said Carolyn, "being able to predict what's going to happen and what isn't. Knowing who you can trust and who you can't. Knowing what's real and what isn't."

"Ha!" laughed Eve, "I would never have had you as one of these arty types Carolyn."

She shook her head, "business always comes first," replied Carolyn, " but sometimes art is good business."

"Just give me one reason why I shouldn't just throw myself back in the fucking sea and just fucking drown right now Carolyn, huh?" said Eve.

Carolyn thought for a moment. "Money?" she replied inquisitively.

"Fucking money. That's no good to me when I've lost my career, and my reputation, and my husband, and my fucking mind," said Eve.

"Oh come now Eve, it's really not that bad," said Carolyn encouragingly, "you didn't have much reputation to lose. And the husband, well, get a hedgehog if you miss him that much. Don't be sore just because you think you might have been tricked."

Eve pulled herself upright with weary defiance. "Yeah well you tricked me good and proper this time huh? Got me hook line and sinker with this piece of shit. Canoeing fucking Eve! I mean what kind of stupid shit idea for a tv show is that? With a mega-movie star crazy bitch in it? Who's trying to seduce me? How could I have been so stupid? How could I ever have believed this was a real show?" said Eve, her energy finally draining away, shaking her head disconsolately.

Carolyn looked at her silently, then took a step towards her. "It isn't always art though, you know? Just because it doesn't make any sense. Just because it seems like shit. Sometimes," said Carolyn softly, putting her hands on Eve's arms, "sometimes it really is just shit."

Eve stared motionless at Carolyn for what felt like an age until she sighed and shrugged. After months, no years, of confusion finally she had the bittersweet experience of feeling certain about something. "Yes Carolyn," she said resolutely, "Canoeing Eve is definitely shit."


End file.
